Anxiety 

**trigger warning: anxiety, depression, and self harm is involved** 

The first time I realized I had anxiety was when I was in 5th grade. I had a group of friends, i trusted them with my life. I was a naive, young girl because I was very wrong. 

Finally tomorrow’s the last day of school. I had a group of friends I’d hang out with everyday at school and on the weekends. Their names are Hope, jess, Catie, Maci, and Diane. I wonder what all the girls are gonna do, probably have a huge sleepover, I can’t wait. I didn’t really know or understood what depression was, but looking back I had it without even knowing. Everyday after school I’d go right to sleep. So on the second to Last day of school I layed in bed, I’d feel overly tired everyday when I’d get home, especially since I had an hour bus ride home. I told my girls in our group chat that I was going to sleep for a little. About 2 hours later all I heard was my phone blowing up. *ding* ... *ding*... *ding ding ding*... *DING DING DING DING DING* The notifications woke me out of a Deep sleep. Rolling over in my bed rubbing my eyes to gain back sight, still half asleep. I looked at my phone. My heart started beating fast. I was wide awake now. Only being 11-12 I panicked. Started crying and breathing heavy and not being able to even move. “Kill yourself” , “we f***ing hate you”, “you’re so weird” “we don’t want an ugly little girl in our group” and even worse texts being sent to my phone over and over again. They didn’t stop. My anxiety went through the roof. My heavy breathing turned into short, hard, loud breaths, tears filling my eyes then suddenly I’m shaking and crying. After having a mental breakdown for about an hour, they still never stopped. My brother heard me in my room and came in. My brother has been my best friend my entire life no joke, so of course I was gonna tell him what happened. Instantly he texted one of the girls brothers flipping on him. I felt like I was numb. “Why are these girls saying this to me. We were all hanging out at school I don’t understand.” I thought to myself. I never would’ve put myself in a category as depressed or anxiety prone but this was how it all started. What these girls said to me forever changed my sight in who I am to other people. I knew that nobody says anything unless they mean it. Which made me believe what they said to me was true. I considered ending my life. Sitting there thinking to myself that I just want to die. I looked in the mirror then looked at my desk. Pencil sharpener. I wanted to die so bad that I unscrewed the tiny 5th grade pencil sharpener and put it against my arm. I stopped. What am I about to do. Why am I doing this? I’m not that girl. This isn’t me. The thoughts holding me back slowly disappeared. My naked arms now are red and my eyes are blurry. Self harm... The loneliness and grief of my own self. This was the first time I’ve ever been bullied, and it’s by my closest friends I’ve ever even had. Self harm turned into a big problem for me. 7th grade came along and I had nobody to call my friends. Everyday it was the same thing. Wake up late, get driven to school by mom, go to school, halfway through go to the nurse instead of going to lunch and sleeping on the bed in the back room for two hours. Then fake being sick and call my mom to get me. This was an every week thing. I’d come home, go right to sleep. Once I woke up from my depression nap I’d go right into the bathroom. Break down. Come out with red lines covering me. Crash right back into bed and sleep again until the next morning. And the cycle continued the whole year. 7th grade was by far the hardest year for me. When I wasn’t asleep at home I’d take care of my younger siblings— Try basically raising kids to be their best and to never give up then go into the bathroom once you tuck them in and tear yourself apart. The only thing my mom was good for was driving to school because she knew she had to. That was the only way we could even get her out of bed, or even out of the house. Pretty messed up right? It messed my head up a little bit and I didn’t want my siblings to be the same way. I always tried and still do try to be a good mother figure to my younger siblings. My little sister was only a baby when I lived there. She started to call me mom and I knew things were odd around my house. 7th grade was coming to an end. My mom caught on. I’d wear a headband around my arm or wear pants or long sleeves in the heat. “Damn, I’m caught.” I thought to myself when I saw my mom looking at me, she looked as if her heart died but the anger in her eyes startled me. “What’s with the sweater, huh?” She said in a weird voice as I walked up the steps to my room. She grabbed my wrist. Exposed. I felt empty looking into her eyes. This women. Where have you been? Now you care? I thought but was too scared to say out loud. She was angry. We fought. The next day it was going to be the second to last day of school. Monitoring my every move I was so anxious. When you have all eyes on you, it makes you worry if your not doing something right, which of course I wasn’t. She finally left me alone for a few minutes. Angry, I snuck into the bathroom. Staring at the mirror I wondered. “It will be a better place without me. Why am I even here anymore?” I thought looking at all of the imperfections about myself. About to go deeper into the rabbit hole.. *BANG, BANG* “OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW” I didn’t move position. I knew what was waiting for me outside this white, wooden door. My mom and brother threatening to break the door down. I opened the door. “Im fine calm down.” I said calmly leaving the bathroom. Went into my room and fell asleep. The next morning everything felt weird. Nobody said a word to me. I guess I scared everyone. I didn’t mean to. And that time I really didn’t do anything besides look in the mirror. I went to school all day. Got off the bus and started walking home. On the walk I realized my dad’s truck was in the driveway. I knew exactly what was going to happen. And I was right. Forcing me to get into the car I panicked inside. My dad finally got me in. I gave up and got caught in a stare. Looking out the window at the trees flowing in the summer air, a vision I would shortly forget... I will shortly forget what a nice summer breeze feels like, the smell, the warmth, the freedom of being outside at all in general. I started to breath deep again. “Hi, welcome to horsham clinic” the lady at the desk said. “They’re really doing this to me” I thought. Sitting in a waiting room with a guy with no leg, a guy who stared at me like a creep, and an old women trying to get her adult son to stop screaming. I had no clothes I had no blankets I had no jacket, nothing. They just signed me in, dropped me off, and then I didn’t see any of them for about two days. When having anxiety the one thing you truly want is to feel loved and wanted. They didn’t even show up, yea send me away then go ghost for a few days. Finally my mom and step dad came to visit me. Who does that? Sends their daughter away then doesn’t bring your clothes or anything for two whole days then shows up with a smile like, “oh hey what’s up” like what? Believing that I was crazy and that’s why I’m in here, I actually made a life long friend and realized that what I was doing wasn’t the answer. Me and my new friend, Kraina became so close so fast. We were basically the same. I realized that girls at school aren’t real. Popular people care about being popular, me and Kraina, we cared about real issues. Being mentally and physically healthy.  I realized this after days of sitting there observing everyone and everything. Listening closely to people’s stories and their emotions. In circle groups and therapy. That’s how I knew me and her would be friends forever. To this day me and her still talk and check up on each other. Although, I knew I didn’t belong in a place like that, I did see more people with more, bigger problems. I was harming myself because I was in my head so much. I was harming myself because I always thought I wasn’t good enough. I finally got discharged and everything changed. I realized more truth about my home life, about school, and especially about people. I found more information on coping skills and figured out ways I can calm myself instead of turning to self harm. A letter came in the mail. I failed seventh grade. I fell into a deep deep depression and slept always. Great. again. Things got worse and so did bullies. I did the entire year all over again. After this re do of a year I knew Something had to change. So I did. I moved with my dad and started a new life. Met new people, real people, with real problems. That’s where relationships help. I was a whole new me. I stopped self harming for months at this time. I met someone who helps me through anxiety every day for two whole years. For me to trust someone and let them in means a lot. Especially if I don’t even know you. But the day I met him I knew that I could. Michael and I saw each other the day I moved in and then formally met a month later. We met and we clicked, he’s never left my side ever since. Michael has helped me day and night through everything. With patience and love he’s showed me how to love who I am as a whole. I met new friends and they helped me be more true to myself. Everyone I’ve met in my life here living away from home I’ve made so much progress and it’s safe to say I’m proud of myself. That’s where you readers come in. I wrote this story to show that maybe change isn’t always a bad thing, and if you have similar issues, treated or not, take this as a lesson and a road to recovery because each of you can get through it, you have to WANT to get better in order to get better at all. 

❤️