My mind is the Colorado River. There are stretches of long torrent rapids, and there are stretches of calm smooth flows of water. Sometimes my mind really enjoys itself, taking slow boat rides between the orange clay cliffs and admiring the blue sky above. These times can be great. Just me, the sound of the wind, and the mirror that is the steady flow of the river. Other times, my mind is a stretch of class V rapids that sinks me and pushes me around like a feather in a hurricane. I feel helpless, alone, and desperate. And just as the teenage mind is unpredictable my mind is no exception. Sometimes the slow flow speeds up into a faster current, giving me a warning of what’s to come. Maybe I change courses, switch to a calm brook or creek that branches off of the main river. Other times, I just prepare myself for the uncontrollable torture that is to come. Sometimes, there is no warning. The river just rushes me into rapids the size of tsunamis. I know I will escape, but I’m scared, almost terrified of the time I don’t escape. That the waves get too big, and I stay down for too long. This is my mind, the interior of myself, however the Colorado River is just one part of a vast world that terrifies me even more. 

I go to a high school that is one of three in my city. It has a cast of people and groups. I don’t truly belong to a group I guess. I mean I am part of a big group of people, but when it comes to cliques and friend groups, I feel like I’m auditioning for each clique everyday. So yeah I don’t have, like, a true friend group but I’m not lonely. I do have Ben. He’s my brother from another mother. We hang out together all the time and we help each other out when things get tough. It feels good to know I have someone to sail with me through the torrent rapids of my mind. 

I go to a big high school too, so it helps to have someone to talk to before school, and during lunch. However, even with my non-blood brother, everyday has its massive amounts of surprises. Today’s main surprise came in the form of a girl.

She was standing with Ben, arms wrapped around him. I was cautious for what this was. I knew her, not really well, but I had 2 of my classes with her. She had straight brown hair, some freckles on her cheeks, and dimples. She spoke with a strong voice, not one that is too overbearing, but makes her presence known. Sort of ironic for her 5’5” frame.

“Hi, I’m Emma, and you must be Ben’s ‘brother’.” 

“Um, yeah I’m Jeff, and uh, how do you know Ben?” She was taken aback by this question. Not in a dramatic way, but I could tell she felt stung by my question. “Sorry, just I never noticed you with him before.”

“Oh, um we’re actually good friends, I’m surprised he hasn’t talked about me with you.”. This was surprising. I felt like the president during the Cold War talking with the Soviets. I wanted to prod for information, but not too much that a bomb would be dropped on my world. I just noticed that Ben has been quiet this whole time. 

I turned towards Ben, “yeah why haven’t you told me about Emma, Ben?” He grabbed me by the arm and we walked to the corner of the patio. “Dude, how could you not talk to me about Emma? Are you guys together?”

“Yeah we’ve been dating for a while now and I wanted to keep it a secret.”

“How long is a while?” He hesitated, then gave his answer.

“For three months.”

This information shocked me, how could he keep it a secret from me? I would be happy for him. This pains me to think that my best friend wouldn’t share something as big as a new relationship with me. This news would end up ruining my day. My mind trying to survive the tsunami sized rapids of my thoughts and imagination. 

Eventually, these rapids smoothed out. I came around to appreciate Emma. She helped Ben feel more optimistic and confident about life. I have even struck up conversations with Emma. She likes the outdoors and is actually really sweet. She is also very cute, sometimes I catch myself staring for too long. It also helps to have a part-time hand helping Ben and I navigate the river that is my mind.

My 17th birthday was coming up and I was talking with Ben about the party.

“How’s everything going Jeff?”

“Smooth-sailing here Ben, how about you?”

“Everything’s fine, Emma is good and we’re coming to your party, so I’m excited for that.”

“Good, good, so yeah I’ll see you Saturday?”

“Yes, Saturday.”

“Alright Ben, bye man,”, I hung up the phone and felt excited for my party.

Saturday February 26th  is a day that’ll live in infamy for me. I remember how there was a good amount of people there. I knew everyone, and I was having a great time. Eventually, I made my way into my bedroom, and I was surprised to find Emma looking in a bag for something. “Hey, Emma.”

“Oh, hi Jeff, I’m just looking for your gift, annnnd here it is.”

She handed me the gift, it had a flat surface on one side and was curved out on the other. “Is it okay if I open it now?”

She thought about this for a second then replied with “I mean it is your party so...”

I decided to open the gift right then and there. Tearing apart the wrapping paper in an urgent matter. “Woah, this is really cool.” It was a hunting knife, about 8 inches long. It was a sharp blade, with serrated edges on the back of the blade. The blade was a pristine stainless steel blade, light reflected off of it as if it was a mirror. “Thanks Emma.”

“You’re welcome.”

Then, there was this odd silent moment of just us looking into each other’s eyes. Her eyes were green, like the leaves that were being blown around by the wind outside of my window. Everything in my mind came to a stand still. There was no current. The once mighty river of my mind in one moment, became a lake. I have never felt this way before. I had the feeling that I should kiss her, or hold her, or something, but I knew that I should act on this moment before it was over. I stepped towards her and leaned forward.

I kissed her.

I kissed her for around 30 seconds (which felt like forever) when she pulled away. Unfortunately this is when I heard the voice of despair coming from my best friend.

“Jeff?”

Sometimes one word can carry the weight of so many emotions that it can’t be truly described, words such as love or maybe death. It’s just that, I never would’ve thought my name, would be one of those words. I turned around, and sure enough there was Ben, standing in my doorway. Confused, hurt, he stood there, looked at Emma, then looked at me.

“Why?”

Emma beat me to the answer, “oh, no, babe, this isn’t what it looks like.”

“Why?”

She beat me again, “He advanced onto me, ok? Jeff kissed me, but I backed away, babe it was nothing.”

“Why?”

I won the race this time, “Ben it was nothing, I swear, she did nothing, it’s my fault.”

At this point Emma decided to act, she pushed by me, but she uttered the faintest of words. “Freak.” 

Just so I could hear it. My ears only. She quickly grabbed Ben, and headed for the door, I tried to catch up to them, to reason with them, but I wasn’t fast enough. They drove off, as Ben and Emma left a hurricane of thoughts and emotions followed. Causing the current to pick up again. I rushed inside and shouted “Everybody out. Get out! GET OUT!” They all left, it was just me. I paced down the hall towards my room. Where on the floor was my birthday gift. The current was picking up, faster and faster. The rapids got bigger and bigger. I was barely surviving in my mind when I picked up the knife. The water started to rise, my mind was becoming an ever dangerous place now. Then, a wave hit my boat and threw me into the water. 

I took the knife out of its sheath, the stainless steel still so clear and pristine. I turned my head towards my wrists, and then back to the knife. 

My mind, which was once a river, became an ocean. The water rose above the cliffs and now was going higher and higher. I tried to swim up but as I tried to reach the surface, the surface would seem to “run away” from me. I was drowning inside my own head.

I sat down, observed the knife and placed it to my wrist. I barely pressed down, when I started to cut myself. It started out as a trickle of blood as I ran the blade down my forearm. Then it turned into a stream and then into a river of blood escaping my arm. 

I was drowning when the water started to boil, I don’t know what it was, but something urged me to keep swimming. To reach my boat at the surface. Despite the rising ocean and the boiling water I felt compelled by this unknown feeling to keep going. Surprisingly, I was getting closer and closer. I was barley hanging on, but only ten feet away from the surface. I willed myself to push through the pain. I started to reach for the boat, when I really started to drown, slowly closing my eyes, all the energy in me gone.

I weakly grabbed the knife with the bloody hand and raised it to my other wrist, I had almost begun to press down when a body hurtled into me.

My eyes were on the verge of shutting for good, when I felt a hand grab my wrist and pull me out of the water and onto the boat.

I awoke to blinding lights, and muffled voices. There were some people huddled around me but I couldn’t make out their faces. Then I heard shushing and everything was quiet. I was barely able to mutter out “Hello?” From what little I could perceive it seemed like a great pressure was lifted after I said that one word. As my vision cleared I saw my parents and some doctors around me. The doctors informed me that I lost a lot of blood, but I’m alive and I will take some time before I regain my full strength. Apparently, my parents were scared to death, they came back right away from their trip after they were told that I was in the hospital. I looked at my arms and there were a lot of stitches so much that I actually passed out again.

The next time I woke up it was dark, but two of the lamps were on so I could see who or what was in the room with me. I noticed a figure that looked familiar. “Ben?”

“Hey, how you doing?”

I could sense a sort of defeat in his voice. “I’m really, really sore and tired, I guess this is what you get for going through a near-death experience.” He chuckled at that. 

“Yeah, um...”

He stuttered or hesitated to find the right words to say. 

“Jeff, I’m just, I’m just glad you’re okay.” He started to turn and walk away when I called for him.

“Hey Ben.”

“Yeah Jeff.”

“You were the one that saved me, right?”

“Yeah, I slammed myself into you, and I, I, drove you here,”, he started to tear up, and seeing your best friend or better yet, your brother start to cry makes you start to get emotional. “There was so much blood man, I was scared, but I got you here, and then the hospital staff took you in.”

I lifted my good arm for a hug and we embraced. He broke down crying explaining why he went back to my house, how he was so scared to lose me, how I shouldn’t scare him like that ever again. We stayed like that for a while, embraced in the comfort of each other’s arms