Dreadfully, walking into the cool high school, seeing everybody after summer was great, I got to catch up and chat. My friend, Kathryn, of 12 years, walks up to me, her colorful shirt swaying back and forth. Her shiny brown hair with blonde highlights falls right below her shoulders, as she finally stops in front of my adjacent locker. I spot a wrinkled piece of paper, she tries her best to hide, but still the frayed corner stuck out like a sore thumb against the pocket of her jean skirt.

“Hey, how are you girl?”, she says with a slight tinge of sadness in her voice, it was shaking.

“I’m good. What’s wrong? You look upset”

With a shaky breath she sighs, “Nothing”, pasting a smile on her face, but her eyes

tell a different story. Her eyes show a look of pain, that I have never seen before.

“I just… I don’t know. I don't know if I should tell you". She's always like this, second guessing herself, having everybody's best interest at heart. So when I urge her to tell me, I don’t believe what I see on the folded and deformed paper she pulls from her pocket.

“What is that?”, I utter in a voice filled with dread.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I didn’t know how and… just promise you won’t hate me when I give you this". The sound of her voice engulfed my every sense as she gave me the note. The roaring of the students walking by down the hall became a distant muffled sound as my shaky hands slowly reach for the note. I open it.

It reads, “Jasmine, im sorry but i can’t do this anymore. Love, Jake”

My eyes furrow as I read the note, my heart quickens, and my chest tightens. “He breaking up with me. My boyfriend of three years is breaking up with me”. Tears continue to well up in my eyes.

A pang of hatred overcomes me as he walks over. He has short brown hair, that ends just above his ears, that is curly when he washes it, but turns straight when he blow dries it. And his eyes. You could stare at his hazel green eyes for days and not get tired of them.   

“I don’t want to see you", I scold, yelling, attracting the attention of my classmates in the hall.

“But --?”, he pauses as I cut him off. His hair falls in his face covering his tearful eyes.

“Save it, if you don’t want to be with me”, I say, and lowering my voice, this time, “then don’t talk to me”. Clutching my bookbag, knuckles turning white, I whip around and walk to my next class -- Math, more specifically the ever dreaded Pre-Calculus. But, at this point, pre-calculus is heaven compared to the hell with Jake.

~~~   

“Jasmine, you have to give him a chance!”, Kathryn exclaimed while leaning down to get her tray for lunch.

“What chance should I give him. I gave him a chance in June. But, he decided to kiss another girl when he left for his vacation to Florida”, I sigh with frustration. But, I can’t help but notice how Kathryn looks away as I say this. I brush it off and move forward in the lunch line, not amused with the options. Pizza, that tastes like cardboard, and breadsticks that smell like stale, week old bread.  

We continue to walk down the line getting the recommended serving sizes of fruits and vegetables mandatory by the school, one cup of each required. As Kathryn and I finish in the line, finally grabbing her portion of fruits and vegetables, we head towards our table. It was near the main doors, but not too close.  

The disgusting smell of sweat and body odor fills the cafeteria like an overflowing garbage can with spoiled milk. I could notice that stench from anywhere, anybody could. It was the football team, going through the corridor of the main doors, coming from their mid-day practice. As required by the school, all members of sports teams are to take a gym class that is for their sport, in order to attend these mid-day practices.   

Jake is on the team. I wear his jersey for his games, to show my support for him. Or at least I did. The blue and white jersey would swallow me whole as I put it on. I had to tie it in the back with a hair tie and tuck it into my jeans for it to fit properly.  

“Jasmine, stop staring”, she says in a aggravated tone, almost mad. “You have to get over him, he’s not good for you and you know that”, her voice changes from harsh to calm and gentle tone, trying to get to me.

“I know… but I can’t. We were together for three years”. My face dropping to a frown and tears form in my eyes. My mind lingers to the thought of him and I going out to dinner to Carrabas, as we would for date nights. He would always get his usual, the chicken soup with parmesan cheese on top. And for his main meal, he would get the chicken trio with a side of fettuccine alfredo. Then, for dessert, he would get the chocolate dream for the both of us to share.   

Tears begin to stream down my cheeks. I use my hands to cover my face, attempting to be strong and not let my best friend see me breaking down. Even if she was the person who would do her best to comfort me of the excruciating pain on my broken heart.  

“Jasmine, are you crying?”  

I respond with a sob. Getting up, I pull my backpack off the ground and onto my back, exiting the lunchroom through the door the soccer team entered moments ago. I could not bring myself  to look at her or even try to talk to her.

~~~

The door creaks as I open it. The winter’s frigid wind enters the house along with me. I walk up the stairs two steps at a time, and then jog to my room. When rush into my room, I see the strung up fairy lights decorating my grey and white striped walls. I throw my phone onto my bed, which sits next to my desk. Above the two black foldable lamps on my desk rests a corkboard, with a card Kathryn gave me for my 16th birthday pinned to it. She, also, gave me a scrapbook of memories and pictures of our past 12 years of friendship. I decide to pull it out, as a way to cheer myself up. As I flip through the pictures I see the dozens of memories made between the two of us. I realize through the good and bad in these past 12 years, Kathryn has always been there, and is the person I need here for me now. I reach for my phone, the plum purple case stands out against my white comforter. I dial Kathryn’s number and the phone rings three times, but ultimately goes to voicemail.

~~~  

The ringing of the bell as I walk through the door fills the dinner. Customers are occupied by their conversation and food. I immediately recognize two customers sitting alone in a corner booth. One with shoulder length brown hair, blonde highlights peeking through. The other, is the boy I gave my heart, only to have him shred it to pieces with a simple note. Jake and Kathryn. They were talking. But why? She knows that I absolutely hate him right now.

As I walk past, to get to the register, I hear Kathryn say, “Maybe she found out we kissed over the summer”.

They don’t see me when the disbelief washes over my face. Then, the anger and hurt came. The memories of Kathryn and I break into pieces as I absorb the shock at her words. I didn’t think that she would do this. I didn’t think she was capable of doing this. But more than anything, I trusted her.

“That will be 12 dollars and 34 cents”, the cashier says. Snapping back to reality, I hand her the exact amount.  

As I exit the diner, I can’t help but feel as though my whole world is collapsing. The two people I trusted more than anyone, became the two people I hate more than anyone in a matter of hours.

~~~   

Standing at my locker was Jake. He is in a white t-shirt and dark wash jeans, finishing his outfit off with a pair of black and white checkered slip-on Vans. If every part of me didn’t want to yell in his face, or punch him, I would have told him how cute he looks today.

“Hey”, he states glumly. I walk up to him and keep quiet. After overhearing their conversation I didn't want to talk to either of them.   

“Jasmine, will you talk to me?”

“Your blocking my locker", I say with no emotion.

“Jasmine, please”, he begs.

“No!” I nearly yell. You wrote a note to break up with me. Then I overhear you talking to Kathryn that you kissed her over the summer”, I seethed through my teeth. “I have nothing to say to you". In front of me, he just stood there, jaw gapping and eyes wide. I take that as the end of our conversation and begin to turn around.

Grabbing my arm to stop me, he says, “What do you mean I wrote a note!”,  he adds quickly, as if it will help his case, “I didn’t write any note”. Every word out of his mouth I want to believe is a lie.  

I ponder his statement. Do I believe him? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

“Really? You have no idea what I’m talking about”, my voice dripping with sarcasm. I pull the note out of my backpack. “Here” I say, anger raging through me as I hand him the note.

“This...this is the note you wrote and had Kathryn give me because you didn’t have the balls to do it yourself". He slowly takes the note, still obviously confused.

I should’ve stopped there by the look on his face, but the anger inside of me took over. I continued, “Don’t act like you’ve never seen it before. Your the one who wrote that cheesy line,‘“Jasmine, im sorry but i can’t do this anymore. Love, Jake”’.

At this point, I’m ready to break down and cry. I don’t know how to process what happened yesterday, and I’m certainly not ready to confront Jake about all this now. It's too soon. I just need everything to slow down. Before I have time to think of what to say or do next, Jake responds.

His voice is so broken and filled with emotion as he says, “Jasmine, I swear to you I didn’t write that note. I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you. Not like that. I made a mistake over the summer by kissing Kathryn, and you have no idea how sorry I am". His voice cracks as he finishes pleading for me to understand. “But please, Jasmine, please believe that I didn’t write that note".

Now maybe it was the way his voice was sopping with emotion. Or maybe it was the tears forming in his eyes, accompanied by the look of raw pain on his face. Maybe he was just that dang convincing, but I believe him. I believe he didn’t write that note.

“You swear that you didn’t write the note?” I ask, needing the extra confirmation.

“Yes, I swear on my life, you know that’s not the kind of person I am”, his deep voice says in a pleading tone.  

“Then I believe you", I say as a matter of fact. “Come over after school”. With that I turn around and walk away.   

~~~

After school, I’m sitting on my bed analyzing every inch of the note. I see Jake’s black Toyota Camry pull into my driveway, through the window across from my bed. About a minute later, he walks through the door of my room, plopping down on the red bean bag as he usually does -- or did.

“So detective Jaz, any verdict on the fraud who wrote the note”.

I laugh, “Stop acting like a smartass and just help me with this”, I say, still angry about him kissing Kathryn in June.

“Okay, fine”, he says, “Let’s start with the fact that you said Kathryn gave you that note, right?”

“Yes, she said that she didn’t know if she should give it to me, she didn’t want to hurt me”.

“But she never said I gave her that note did she?”

“No, I guess she didn’t”, I say slowly, already putting the pieces together in my head. I almost regret yelling at him all those times, for something he probably didn’t write.  

“So then who gave Kathryn the note? Or did anyone give her the note at all?” He asks cautiously, not wanting to hurt me with the probable truth.

“Hang on”, I say, not ready to believe that my best friend of 12 years could possibly do this to me.

I grab the card Kathryn gave me for my 16th birthday off my corkboard. Opening it, I begin to compare the hand writing in the card to the handwriting on the note. Identical. The handwriting on the two were identical from the crossing of the T’s to the dotting of the I’s. It’s all the same.

My hands begin to shake as I absorb the truth of the matter. My best friend, practically my sister over the last decade, was capable of doing something like this.

Jake walks over to me, already understanding and processing the truth. He wraps his arms around me in a bear hug. He puts his chin on top of my hair, and whispers “It’s okay. It’s, okay. I know it hurts now, but it will all be okay. I’m here. I’m here and I won’t leave you Jasmine, I promise”.

With that, I begin to break down and sob into his chest. He kisses the top of my head, comforting me as best he can. I don’t mean to think about it, but as he kisses me, I remember that he also kissed Kathryn once too. He probably held her like this and kissed her head the same way he just kissed mine. I pull away, not sure I want his comfort anymore.

“I’m sorry, I… I just can’t”, I whisper, my words barely audible.

“Its fine, I understand”, he says quietly and turns away. But not before I see the look of hurt across his face.

I feel bad for pulling away, for hurting Jake, but I need to learn to love him again. I need to process everything and figure out how to forgive him.

“I just need time”, I say as an excuse.

“Don’t worry about it Jasmine, really. I should probably get home to work on homework anyways”.

As he says this, I feel hurt suddenly. I know I pushed him away, but still I wanted him to stay, I needed him to stay. I needed to know that he wanted me.

“Oh, okay. You should probably do that then” I say, since I’m not quite sure what else to respond with.

He grabs his bag, and begins to head out, “I’ll see you tomorrow Jasmine. And, call me… if you need anything”

“Jake, wait!”, I say almost desperately. “I… I didn’t mean to push you away like that. It’s just, I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I moved on from finding out you kissed someone else, but now that I find out it was my best friend, or at least ex-best friend, it hurts more. And after everything with this note. I just... I have so much I’m upset about all at once”.

With this my voice cracks, and I begin to cry again. “You said you wouldn’t leave me, that you were going to be here for me, so please, please don’t leave”.

With that, he drops his bag at the door, walks over to me, and takes my face into his hands. Looking into my eyes, with his hazel green ones he says, “You never have to ask again. I’m so sorry for what I did, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if I have to. I love you Jasmine Grace. You are the light of my life, brighter than all of the stars in the sky. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. I know you’re hurting right now, but I will stay by your side and help you get through it. I promise”.

As he says all this, I stare at the tears forming in his eyes. I hear the raw emotion in his voice, and realize that I still love him. Maybe even more now. If he stays true to his word, I know I can forgive him in time too.

~~~

“Hey girl!” Kathryn says happily as she bounces up to me at school. “How was your night? You never responded to my texts”.

I ignore her, not quite sure I have anything to say. She looks at me obviously confused, but continues, “What’s wrong with you today, Jasmine?”, she asks.

“Ohh, your still not over the jock, what’s his face, are you?” Kathryn exclaims condescendingly.

At that, I snap. “God what a bitch you are!” I just about scream. “I talked to Jake. I know he didn’t write that note. In fact he was completely dumbfounded by the note.” Now my anger is here, and geared towards Kathryn. I’m not holding anything back.

“I couldn’t figure out where you would’ve gotten that note from, but then it hit me. You wrote it. I know you’ve always been jealous of me because you don’t have a boyfriend, while mine is the captain of the football team, but I never thought you would take it to this extreme. Sabotaging my relationship, really? I can’t believe your that shallow.” If I were a cartoon I would have steam coming through my ears and nose with how angry I am right now. All I want to do is hurt Kathryn. Hurt her the way she hurt me. I guess that’s where these next words come from.

“I hate you Kathryn. I hate you, and I never want to see you again. Your selfish and shallow, and deserve to rot in hell. If I ever have to lay eyes on you again it will be too soon. Go jump off a cliff for all I care.”

With that, I turn away from her in disgust, and head to find Jake, the only person who can comfort me now.

~~~

I curl up against Jake on my bed as he strokes my hair. “It’s not your fault, sweetie”.He says, I sob into his chest, because no matter what he says, it won’t change the fact of what happened.

The news came at about 5:00 pm this evening. Kathryn’s mother called me exasperated, telling me the hospital she was at, expecting me to drop everything and drive there, obviously not knowing that our friendship was over. I told her I would be there soon, and hung up the phone. That’s when I broke down crying. Jake held me, and looked into my eyes with panic for a good 10 minutes before I could get the words out.

“She’s gone. She’s gone and it’s all my fault”, I sobbed.

“What do you mean she’s gone? Who? Jasmine, please talk to me”, Jake exclaimed in a scared voice.

“Kathryn!”, I shouted. “She’s gone! She committed suicide, and it’s all my fault.”

“Oh my god”, Jake said obviously stunned. “Jasmine, listen to me please. It is not your fault. Okay? You didn’t tell her to do that. It was her decision.”

“But I did! I told her I hated her. I told her I never wanted to see her again, and that she should go jump off a bridge. And that’s exactly what she did. I wanted to hurt her! I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me, but I never wanted this!” I sobbed uncontrollably now.

How would I ever explain this to her mother? Would I be blamed for her death? Be punished for it even? How would I be able to live with myself for this? I looked at Jake, waiting for him to say something. Anything to try and make me feel like this wasn’t my fault. But he didn’t. There was nothing to say.

After regaining his composure, Jake holds both of my hands, looks into my eyes, and says “Jasmine, you never could’ve had any idea she would take you literally.”

“That doesn’t make it any better! She killed herself because I told her to.”

“Jasmine…”

“No! I should’ve known better. She has a shitty life at home. Her mom’s a drunk. Her dad’s nonexistent most of the time. I was her escape. I was her escape from her home life, and I took that away from her. I was all she had to live for, and…” I stopped talking and fell back onto the bed, curling into a ball, as if I could block out the world.

Jake came and laid down next to me, stroking my hair, “It’s not your fault, sweetie.”. he says, while I sob into his chest, because no matter what he says, it won’t change the fact of what happened. What I did.

~~~

I decided I wasn’t going to tell Kathryn’s mother the truth. As far as the world knew, Kathryn’s death was a shock to everyone, including me. Jake was the only person besides myself that knew the truth in the events leading to her suicide, but we were both taking those details to the grave.

I walked home from school, the world around me looking dreary as if I was looking through a clouded lens. I was going to go change right away for the wake that would celebrate Kathryn's life, but also announce her death. I grab the mail and begin to flip through it as I walk up the driveway to the front door. Halfway there, I stop dead in my tracks. In the midst of bills is a envelope addressed to me. Swallowing slowly, I open the envelope to reveal a letter inside. A letter from Kathryn written the day she jumped off that bridge in the center of town.

“Dear Jasmine,

I understand why you were so mad at me today, you have every right to be. I’m sorry for what I did, there is no excuse for it. Your my best friend and I never wanted to hurt you. All I wanted was a boyfriend, and to be like you. I wanted to have a loving family and boyfriend. All I ever wanted was to feel wanted. I’m sorry I ever tried to take away your happiness. I hope one day you can find a way to forgive me, even though there's no way I will find a way to forgive myself”.

As I read Kathryn’s letter, I sank to my knees and cried. She may not have found a way to live with herself for trying to sabotage my relationship with Jake, but how will I ever find a way to live with myself to being the reason she committed suicide?