I thought the employee of the month award was just a scheme to keep employees from getting depressed or quitting. Maybe I was wrong. It felt pretty good to see two people walk by me, carrying a white plack that read, “Bianca Romano Employee of the month March 2022.” The photo of me above those words was distinct. My dark brown eyes and curly brown hair stood out against the white background. 

Mr Stoke, my boss, turned to face me. A giant grin was plastered across his face. He gently patted me on the back. His eyes were gleaming in the morning sunlight like pools of obsidian rock. I was genuinely surprised by how excited he looked. 

He exclaimed, “You should be proud, Romano. Earning employee of the month at Apple is a big achievement. You’ve earned it with all the extra hours you’ve been putting in.”

“Really?” I inquired. 

“Really.” He replied. 

“Party at my house!” My friend Anna exclaimed, butting in our conversation. The  coworkers around us cheered. 

Mr. Stoke stated, “ Remember to not announce work parties when I’m around. You are technically not supposed to be having them. But if I don’t hear about them, I can’t stop you.” 

Anna’s face turned bright red, “Noted.” 

I chimed in, “Have a good evening, Stoke. Anna and I will have a fun time watching movies. Just the two of us.” I shot Anna a look. 

“Well I hope you both have fun,” Mr. Stoke chuckled. 

As we made our way back to Anna’s house the high crashed. My chest felt heavy again. Nothing lasts forever. I hate that fact. I was hoping to feel special a little while longer. I guess my brain just won’t let me. I felt exactly the same as I did the day before. I hoped Anna’s party would cheer me up.   

Anna always throws the wildest parties. She’s just that kinda person. It’s in her nature. There hasn’t been a single party at her house that less than 50 people have attended.  The cops get called to almost every party. But Anna never stops. I wonder if it's because she enjoys her parties ending in chaos. 

That night, her party started just like any other. People flooded her house like flies. Some clumped together around the kitchen counter. Others wandered the halls. Music throbbed through the walls like the house's giant heartbeat. Large garish posters hung in every corner. Weed and Smoke fills my senses. Beer bottles were scattered across every countertop. Anna lay against me on the couch. Her elbow pressed up against my side.  Her messy brown hair plastered, against her sweat filled forehead.  Stomach pressed against my jeans.  She squeezes my leg with her other hand.  Mouth opens wide like a fish. The smell of liquor clung to her face. Small specks of vodka were stuck on my sleeve.  My pants leg twitches under her grip.  Locked in an embrace with the screaming mass of people. Pressing up against me.  Pushing against me.  Leaning into my chest.  Hands draped across my chest like moss draped over a rock.  Weaving people around us.  I couldn’t breathe. 

Faces glued together.  Embracing.  Joints pasted between mouths.  Anna's hand wraps around the back of my neck.  Shoving me into the center of the mob.  The mass of people fell away. The outside air hit my face as we snaked out the back door.

Sliding around the edge of the house.  The cool wind caressing our cheeks. Our boots silent against the dirt covered ground. I took in a huge gulp of air. Anna pulls her hands away from my neck.  She stands.  Her back pressed against the brick wall.  Anna wipes her mouth with her sleeve. 

The night was quiet. The garden was dipped in moonlight. It reflected a ghostly blue. But it wasn't the color of water.  It was a pale yellow. I blinked twice.  And we were back in the real world again. The eyes of neighbors locked onto me as I stumbled across the yard. My hair was mangled around my cheeks like a thorn bush. I frantically brushed it away from my face. 

"You don't seem happy." Anna states. It wasn't a question. 

"I am." I plastered a fake looking smile across my face. 

"No you're not," She replied.  I didn't say anything. I avoided her eyes. Her patio suddenly became super interesting to me. Silence fell over us before she continued. "Why aren't you happy? You just received an award at work today. You are the youngest employee to ever receive that kinda recognition. And your best friend threw you the party of a lifetime simply because she loves you and wants to celebrate you. What more could you ask for?”

My chest felt heavy. I stood there shaking. I had no idea what she wanted me to say. I sighed, "You throw parties every weekend. I know that award just gave you an excuse to throw another. I know it wasn't actually about me."   

Anna's eyes grew wide. I could tell I'd struck a nerve. She spat out, “You are so freaking ungreatful.” I noticed her hands were visibly shaking. She continued, “ Maybe I throw parties to forget that I’m not gonna accomplish anything at work. I’m five years older than you. And you’re already twice as qualified as me.” 

“That’s not true. I’m not that qualified.” Deep down a part of me knew that it was. 

Anna scoffed, “Is this not enough for you? You’re lifes freaking amazing.”

“I don’t know if anything will ever be enough,” I mumbled. 

Anna rolled her eyes, “well there. The cats out of the bag. I’m just a jealous girl. But I’m happy for you! Why aren’t you happy for yourself!?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well you should figure it out,” She spat out, like the words were poison. 

“I don’t know how. ” I did want to be happy. Would I ever let myself be happy? If you're never happy then you have nothing to lose. I don’t deserve to be happy. But at the same time I don’t deserve to be depressed. Many people have it far worse than me. My life is great. 

I drifted away from her lost in thought. I sank into her patio chair. My head hung low against the fabric. I crossed my arms, eyes glued to the floor. Anna remained silent. Her pale blue eyes painted a ghostly hue in the moonlight. Her lips pursed in thought.  

She turned to face me a few seconds later. “I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with your masochistic crap.” 

“Neither can I. I know. I suck. ” 

 “Bianca, you are all that. I wish I could give you my eyes so you could see you the way I do. You’d be an unstoppable force of nature, if you were even a little more confident.” 

“Does it even matter? Any of this?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe? Maybe not?” She placed her hand over mine, “All I know is this counts for me.” Her hand radiates warmth. She leaned in to look in my eyes.  She wanted me to be happy, so she was trying to make me happy.  In the end?  It was not her fault.  I saw this all from a bird’s perspective, ten thousand feet up, her reaching out trying to break through my existential wall. 

I didn’t say anything.  We sat in silence.  The moon high in the night sky.   Anna pulled her knees to her chest, settling into a fetal position. She laid there, staring at the night sky.  She smiled, “It’s a strange feeling. Realizing you don’t have forever. But not having forever almost makes everything matter even more.”  My eyes turned toward the stars, slowly blinking, like I didn’t believe they exist.  Then I closed my eyes, and felt Anna’s warmth and faith slowly start to thaw the wall around me.