ARGH!!!!! This is heartbreaking and very very well written. :D I don't know what to say. You took me on a ride from the playful fight between sisters to dips on a boy to frighten news about cancer to finally dependency between them.

I didn't care about any mistake because this is sooooo well written. And at the end when Leah told Kate of how she was scared....it brought chills to my nose. Love, love, love this!! :D

P.S. Okay, so I reread this when I was watching Parent Trap. Naturally, I pictured the twins as Lindsay Lohand and how mischievous Hallie-to-Kate can be. :)

The first thing that I want to tell you is that I really liked your story, and that's something that I can't honestly say about most stories that I read on Teen Ink. You have a great writing style, and more importantly you understand the importance of substance and technique in a story, something that many people have trouble comprehending.

Now that you know that I like it, you don't have to be nervous.

First, the problems.

You have the tendency to-how do I say this-go overboard with your descriptions. I really liked the way you wrote, “At lunch, the noise is a dull roar behind every conversation—it’s like some kind of twisted theme music, but I don’t know the show.” Very good. Very.

But you seem to overdo it when you add, “Probably something shallow and dull.” It takes the poeticness (not a real word) out of that part of your story.

And in another part you say, “I’m starting to wish Leah were here, just to break up the vapid conversation I’m trapped in.” This is good, it shows that Kate has an emotional if not psychological attachment to her sister. But you ruin it when you write, “Maybe she’ll show up to save me, right now. Okay, maybe not. But how about now. Again, not so much.” This part doesn't flow very well with what you wrote before and is my biggest problem with your story. It is also kind of confusing to read.

I always like to say, “If you aren't sure how something will sound in your story, read it out loud.” That helps. A ton.

Otherwise, on the lighter side, you have great descriptions and your story flows very well. I actually couldn't have put it any better than banangela29 when she posted, “I really liked how you interwove the small, somewhat petty problem with the boy, and then BANG! reality! cancer! Very good, very startling.”

You obviously know how to craft a story.

Please keep writing and let me know if you come out with anything else.

P.S. I like your story so much that I went and read 'The Door' and liked it equally as much, if not more.

I never grade grammar.

Firstly, I'm a Texan.

Second, it usually doesn't affect how well the story is written or how original and creative it is. Thirdly, grammar is neither original or creative.

Fourthly, I have problems with it myself. (See number one)

I really liked how you interwove the small, somewhat petty problem with the boy, and then BANG! reality! cancer! Very good, very startling.

Thatsaid, I thiink for a story this deep and sober, you need to use more serious language at certain points. Very good use of syntax, maybe smooth out the dialogue a bit.

Excellent job overall, though, very very good.

Be sure to take a look at some of my work if you get the chance :)

Simon Cowel feedback (you asked for it!)

Ok so this is the first article under SC feedback that I've reviewed where I could only find 2 mistakes, neither of which took anything away from the absolute masterful writing of this paper. Usually I tell people what they did good first, but for this paper i have to tell you the bad first so that I can talk about how great it is without interruptions :)

first thing was the sentence "But that's... huh." You forgot to put a ? after "huh"

then was "I’ll make sure she’s forgiven me then (she will, I know)." Forgiven for what? Also are the parentheses necessary? The narrator uses dashes and semicolons--which is GREAT. Stick to those because you use them VERY well :)

except in the sentence "She says it quietly, slowly..." where you need to replace the commas with semicolons or dashes because commas are not proper punctuation there.

NOW FOR THE GOOD STUFF

Narration was very realistic; it reminds me of Laurie Halse Anderson's style except not as annoyingly pessimistic. So you're competing with "the bard of high school tales" and that says a lot.  The begining hooked me right away and I actually got really excited for a minute because I thought there was going to be a fight, then I realized it was just something friendly and warm but I was still hookd nonetheless!

There was a great twist in having Leah come down with cancer--very sad of course but it keeps th reader interested. It was especially great since you set up everything before it as a normal boring, but pleasant day, setting the guy up with her, etc. It's excellent. The writing is excellent, the environment as Kate goes from room to room is excellent; I truly think that this might be good enough to be considered by professional publishers if there's more to the story and it's just as well written and developed. But even if it's not, I still think it's probably the best article that I've read on this website so far, and you get a 5 star rating from me :)

this piece is so real.

u have real talent!

im a twin:)

Wow, this is simply beautiful. It's so sad as well. I really, really like it. You should probably try to continue with this. It would be nice if it was a full story. Also, I love the description you used.

Keep writing!