Allie Rainy had a deep, longing love for Christmas. Allie Rainy had a healthy, loving family. Allie Rainy had straight A’s and a pretty little car that her older sister didn’t want anymore. Allie Rainy ate an apple and an orange a day; and had every serving of vegetables she needed. Allie Rainy had two little dogs, one older sister, and perfect married parents. Allie Rainy had a perfect head of hair, two perfect swelling breasts, one toned, tiny belly, one tight, lovely butt, and legs that went on for miles.

And Allie Rainy had a secret.

Christmas was coming around th­e corner, and Allie Rainy was exited, as always. She would take the car, and Daddy’s credit card, and go on a shopping spree for Christmas decorations and presents.

“Oh all my friends are gonna love me! I’m like a Christmas Angel! What a good person I am,” she would say to herself, and smile. Because she was a good person!

But Allie Rainy had a secret.

Allie Rainy found “just the right present” for everyone she knew, and when the credit card bill totaled thirteen hundred dollars, she shrugged and figured a home-made, home-cooked dinner “just for Daddy” would make it all better.

Allie Rainy would come home happy as anyone could be, kiss Mom on the cheek, hug Daddy goodnight, and skip up the stairs to her room. After twenty minutes she would open the window and sneak her boyfriend in. Mom and Dad would come by and say goodnight while Johnny hid in the closet. After Mom and Dad went to sleep Allie Rainy would turn on the shower, slip off her clothes, and make her boyfriend a happy man.

Because that’s just the type of person she was.

She always made people happy.

But Allie Rainy had a secret.

Allie Rainy woke up on Christmas morning, drunk and dizzy. Johnny was lying by her side on her soft, purple bed, and continued sleeping while Allie Rainy crawled out of bed, gripping her stomach, and made her way, slowly to the bathroom floor, clutching a sheet over her nude body.

Because Allie Rainy had a secret.

That day Allie Rainy entered the hospital under the same fake name she’d been using for the last fifteen months. And that day, like on any other hospital visit day, Allie Rainy made her alibi by texting all her friends and family some excuse or another, making sure not to use an old one. That day Allie Rainy talked to the same doctor as always, about the complications of her condition, and made sure, with a couple hundred dollar bills, to mention the confidentiality agreement made some time back. And on that day, just like on all the previous days that she had been put in that special hospital room, Allie Rainy faced her problem head-on, expecting it to be just another unfortunate disadvantage of the earlier procedure. Allie Rainy expected it to be just another precaution test run, and some new prescriptions.

But Allie Rainy was not going to leave the same way she had so many times before.

Allie Rainy was about to face her secret.

On that day, after the medication had been given, the pain did not subside. Allie Rainy clawed at plastic rails of the bed, and screamed at nervous interns, and annoyed nurses to “GET THE DAMN PAINKILLERS!” But there weren’t painkillers for this type of problem, because Allie Rainy’s problem went deeper than just the skin. It stained into her soul. Allie Rainy had made a deal with the Devil, and she had broken her vows. She’d misused her new power, and the Devil—under the face of modern medicine—was coming back with the punishment. Allie Rainy had been given what she had always wanted, but she used it for her own benefits. Selfish, evil benefits. Allie Rainy never wanted anything but to be the best, to be liked, adored, fawned over. Allie Rainy went to any length to get what she wanted. And Allie Rainy got what she deserved.

Because Allie Rainy had a secret.

Ever since that adorable couple came into the orphanage, and Allie set eyes on them, she knew. She knew they would be her way out, first of all, and then her way up, and all the way to being Allie Rainy. So after the love-at-first sight episode between the Rainies and little Allie, she was taken into a whole new world. The people at the agency never bothered to tell the adopting parents about Allie-newly-Rainy’s secret, simply because it was a touchy subject, and they would soon find out on their own. After you adopted a child, you couldn’t just give it back, like a dog. Allie Rainy, little Miss Allie Rainy, was now someone else’s problem, and someone else’s secret.

But the Rainys never found out abut the secret.

Not even after the disappearance of their favorite adopted child.

They never found the connections between the dead little girl in the morgue, and their precious little Allie Rainy.

Because Allie Rainy could keep a secret.

And she had been keeping one, all her life.

Little Miss Allie Rainy’s secret.

The summer of Allie’s fifth year of life, Little Allie discovered the mistake that had been made in her pants. She knew what she was, and what was down there wasn’t right. She knew how she dressed, how she talked, what she liked, and who she didn’t. Little Allie knew the nurses at the orphanage, and the ladies at the foster homes didn’t like the way she dressed, or how she acted, and the other kids didn’t like her when they noticed—because Allie was a little girl, with a little problem.

So she had to start a secret.

Little Allie never let anyone know again. And one day, little Allie-of-seven-years found a family, who tripped over their Italian leather shoes, and diamond-studded heels. A family who was dissatisfied with their own child, now that she was a teenager, and didn’t do as they said. A family that would take her in. A family whose money could make her the way she was supposed to be.

Because Little Miss Allie was tired of keeping secrets.

So Little Allie grew up as pretty, sweet Allie Rainy, and kept her secret for eight more years. Saving bit-by bit, by the time Allie Rainy was fifteen-years-old she could pay her way through two genital reassignment surgeries and back. Allie Rainy knew what she wanted. So Allie Rainy did what she had to.

Allie Rainy was going to get rid of her secret with a new secret.

Allie Rainy found out that money does wonders for people who don’t want to say too much to too many people. She found just the right Doctor, at just the right office, with just the right specialty. But what Allie Rainy didn’t know was that God didn’t want her to get rid of her secret. So Little Miss Allie Rainy went under the knife. And the saw. And the implants.

The frequent visits to the doc were no problem, once Allie Rainy got her sister’s car, and the hormones she was taking to keep everything in its place made her happy, and only more emotionally developed than before.

“I’m the perfect woman. That I most certainly am.” She would say, admiring herself in the mirror. And she most certainly was.

But God didn’t like Allie Rainy’s secret.

God didn’t like Allie Rainy’s lies. He didn’t like her clothes. He didn’t like her face. He didn’t like her perfect head of hair, or her perfect swelling breasts, or her toned, tiny belly, or her tight, lovely butt, or the legs that went on for miles.

But God loved Allie Rainy.

And God knew about her secrets.

And God forgave poor Allie Rainy.

Poor, misguided Allie Rainy, who was reared by lesbians, and given up by cheaters, and clothed by liars, and fed by crooks, and taught by the cruel, and “told-so” by national television, and catered-to by richies, and “fixed” by the greedy. Poor, helpless Allie Rainy who thought she was smarter, who thought she was brighter, who thought she was better, and prettier, and worthier. Poor, defenseless Allie Rainy, who wanted to be what she wanted to be.

And maybe Allie Rainy would’ve made an awkward Allen Rainy. And maybe Allen Rainy couldn’t wear men’s clothes right. And maybe Allen Rainy wouldn’t have been able to touch a girl. And maybe Allen Rainy couldn’t look at himself in the mirror.

But at least in the end Allen Rainy wouldn’t have had to be God’s dirty little secret.

And maybe Allen Rainy would have lived a real life. And maybe Allen Rainy would have been able to smile without knowing it wasn’t really his smile. Maybe Allen Rainy would have had a better life, better than the life of Allie Rainy.

But Allen Rainy decided to have a secret.