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The Day that Changed Everything Chp 1
My mom and I went on a camping trip and we stayed there for 2 weeks. There were a lot of mountain peaks, so we went mountain climbing. We had a great time, my mom and I love the outdoors.
On our way back home there was a call from a policeman, and I’m sorry to say that it was not a good one. When my mom swerved the car a little and dropped her cell phone I started to wonder what was wrong. I waited until I could wait no longer at the red light I asked,
“Are you ok mom?”
No answer. So at the next red light I almost screamed which on a regular basic I would get yelled at myself, anyway I said,
“Hey mom you aren’t the only one in the car now tell me what’s wrong!”
She quickly snapped her head at me like a twig being stepped on but still nothing and the red light turned green so I pointed towards it. With nothing being said for the whole rest of the half an hour ride home I promised myself I would find out what happened even if it meant doing a little eavesdropping!
So when my mom called her friend over I lay in my bed and listened to their conversation. Once I heard what happened my eyes widened. I didn't say anything to my mom until dinnertime. once it was dinnertime though, I asked “When is Dad coming home?”And my mom looked like she seemed to know I had heard through the wall. But she didn’t tell me ANYTHING so I screamed “You never tell me anything, what am I, two?”
I paused for a moment and losing all facial expression under the dim lighting I said emotionlessly “I know what happened” and this time her eyes widened.
That was a mistake, because at that moment she stood up from the table quickly and said “You were listening to Doris and I weren’t you? You know better than to do that!” I stood up too, “Oh my God you finally want to talk to me?”I said in a smart voice.
Then she said “Oh that, I’m sorry Jane but I didn’t how!”
“Know what”? I asked
“How to tell you I didn’t know how to tell you”
At that time I sat back down my seat and stared at our family photo, still looking at the once happy family we were (with a mom and a dad)
“So what happened to him” I asked with a hint of curiosity.
“Uh that’s going to be hard to explain…”
Then I gave her a look that even I knew was funny “Hard to explain?! Hard to explain?! Mom that’s not right Dads not even here with us, tell me what happened to him NOW!!”
So my mom started to explain “Ok, ok calm down” She sighed, “Now it all started on that trip that your father went on even though I begged him not to go, you know because it was Christmas time, and well anyway he was on his way to a gas station and as you know Dad was rushing and in his case he was backing up out of the slot where he was pumping gas when the tractor trailer was on its way in and” Her voice trailed off.”
“And what,” I asked
“And the tractor trailer hit him causing him to crash into the gas pump, I let you figure out the rest.”
I didn’t know it was that horrible, I thought it was just a bad car accident. So I quickly put the forkful of carrots into my mouth, put my dish in the sink and went upstairs. While in my room I thought some TV might cheer me up, not by much, just to get my mind off of the subject.
I flicked to the news channel and only making it worse was a picture of the accident at the gas station. There it was, even worse than I had thought. I couldn’t imagine the pain my father had suffered in that tragic accident. Then I turned the TV off, put my pajamas on and went to bed. I was hoping that tomorrow would be better, not knowing what would await me tonight.
JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 3 comments.
32 articles 2 photos 329 comments
"There’s no such thing as true love, just spurts of insanity—falling over and over again, thinking that won’t happen to me"
6 articles 0 photos 195 comments
The only thing necessary for the triumph of
evil is for good men to do nothing."
"Bless the children, give them triumph, now!"
Aeschylus, The Libation Bearers
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky
A very interesting piece.
Good aspects- The beginning was very mysterious and kept the reader guessing for just the right amount of time. I also liked how you narrarated her thoughs, it made the story much more interesting and it built the character very well and discreetly.
Confusing aspects and/or mistakes- I would definately recommend touching up grammar and spelling on this. Simple things, like capitalization and spacing make all the difference. I also thought several sentences throughout this piece have very awkward wordings and structures. When you dropped the bomb about the accident, I would have though there you be a bit more emotion involved, too. It seemed pretty unrealistic when a girl hears her dad was in an accident and then goes upstairs to watch TV- without a tear or batting an eyelash.
Overall, I thought this piece had a good premise, but I thought there were also many parts that could use revisions.