So this is what it feels like to die, I think because it is the only thing about me that still works the way it should. I hear a faint but obnoxious beeping sound that seems to be coming from the end of a long tunnel, and I waste a few seconds trying to think of what it could be before deciding that it can’t possibly matter. I can tell my senses are failing; my eyes see only blurry, disconnected images that come as if swimming towards me in a black void. I can see my mother’s haggard face screaming, but I’m not sure who she’s talking to anymore. I can see my brother’s tear-filled eyes staring at me with horror, because he knows that there’s no hope of me living to see another day. All I can think for a moment of is how glad I am that she’ll have him to lean on after I’m gone when they're whisked from my view, replaced by unfamiliar people in scrubs and masks, fluttering frantically over me. I can vaguely feel someone pushing up and down on my chest, and I’m grateful that they can keep my heart going for a while because I am certainly no longer up to the task.


Someone grabs my left hand, squeezing my fingers until I’m sure they must be numb, and I empty the last of my strength to turn my head and satisfy my curiosity. It’s Matthew, and although his blue eyes are frantic I can’t help but feel much more at peace now that he’s here with me. I find myself fixated on his lips, his perfect lips, which I know so well. They’re saying something, but I am beyond being able to decipher his message, so I just watch them and imagine he’s singing me a lullaby. The deep voice I almost hear soothes all my new fears about what comes next. I feel tiny pinprick of new pain on my finger, and I force my eyes away from his face to this interesting sensation. His diamond, so shiny and lovely on my ring finger, has cut into my skin, and I see a tiny drop of blood fall from my hand onto his strong fingers. It doesn’t seem a fair trade; tonight, he has given me my ring, and his promise to love me forever, when all I can give him now is my own blood and the fate of becoming a widower before he even reaches the altar.


I look deep into his eyes and hope he understands everything that I want to tell him now, that I love him more than I have been able to let him know, that I hope he can live well and be happy when I’m gone and maybe even find someone else who loves him like I do. I try to make my lips move to match what I’d like to say, but my time on Earth is up. I slowly succumb to the swirling vortex that engulfs me, tugging me wherever it chooses because I don’t have the strength or even the willpower to fight anymore. Just before I leave my body, I see a small smile light his face and I can believe that he understood my message, or at least that he knows that I left this world thinking of him. I capture his image in my memory and vow to savor it forever as I am pulled away to the other side.