To be perfectly honest, I didn’t like Chris at all. Maybe it was the fact that I met him in the sixth grade and he wasn’t mature yet, or maybe it was because he was going through that whole awkward stage in puberty. Either way, it took me three years for me to develop a crush on him. You know how during summer everybody tries to get ready for the school year so that they can look different?

Well, that’s exactly what happened with Chris. Before summer started he was 5’5”, skinny , with curly hair, but when school started, he stood 6’4”, tanned and muscled, and had gotten rid of his curly hair. When he walked into class, I thought he was a new student until he sat right next to me and said, “Hey Maci.” And then it hit me that he wasn’t a new student, he was just a new and improved Chris. From that moment forward, I developed the biggest, dorkiest crush on Chris. And it wasn’t long before I found out that he’d had a crush on me since sixth grade and after that, Chris and I became a couple.

Chris was going to join the US Army and we all knew what that meant: there was a chance that he was going to be deployed and according the the military, if you have a significant other, that person cannot come with you unless you are married. So after seven years of knowing each other, and four years of dating, Chris got down on one knee at our graduation and asked me to marry him and of course, I said yes. On June 3rd, 2006, Chris and I got married in a small church wedding in Lexington, South Carolina. If you’ve ever been in a wedding party, you know how stressful it is to plan a wedding and then on the day of, get ready and make sure everything is in it’s place so the bride doesn’t have a breakdown and freak out. I think if it was anybody but Chris, I probably would’ve ran from the altar, but as I walked down the aisle with my father at my side, there stood Chris in his dress uniform waiting for me with the biggest smile on his face.

The both of us were in tears by the time we said “I do.” The wedding was absolutely gorgeous, the color scheme navy blue and white and it came out better than I expected. Neither one of us wanted a big humongous wedding so the small intimate wedding with a few close family members and friends was enough. After the ceremony was finished, we ran out of the church, got into his truck and drove off to Charleston to get on our cruise to the Bahamas.

That was probably the worst trip of my life. A five-day cruise would’ve been perfect and for me it wasn’t. Probably because it was unknown to Chris and I that we were expecting a new addition to our small family. When we got back from our cruise, Chris got news that he would be deploying to Afghanistan, something that we had been dreading. So as the days and months passed for Chris to get ready for his deployment, I got bigger and bigger carrying our child.

Finally after nine months of wild mood swings, morning sickness, and annoying weight gain, Chris and I were blessed with a bouncing baby girl named Kelsey Kali Knight. Right after she was born, Chris was deployed on a three year tour. It wasn’t ideal being left with newborn by myself but thankfully, I had family members I could rely on. A few times a week Chris, Breanne and I Skyped with each other and every so often we would receive letters from him telling us about how dangerous it was there, how hot the weather was, and how he couldn’t wait to “see his favorite girls again.” The more dangerous it was over there, the less time we got to Skype and the fewer letters would come in.

Each day Kelsey grew more and more and it was painful to me that Chris was missing out on all the important things like her first birthday, her first word, her first gymnastic meet, her first tooth, and many more firsts. I remember when she got her first place medal for winning the gymnastic meet, she ran up to me in her navy blue leotard and I immediately thought of Chris in his blue dress uniform at our wedding and she said “Mommy look! I won Mommy, I won!” She had the biggest smile on her face with one of her two front teeth missing so she had a slight lisp. That medal shined in the light of the gym and I looked at her like any proud mother and told her “You sure did baby. Good job.”

As Kelsey and I lived out our lives in South Carolina, Chris was living his life thousands of miles away from us. In his letters he wrote of how there are miles and miles of sand and deserted buildings that weren’t completely there. He said it was so hot his first day there that he thought everything was going to disintegrate. He would tell us in every letter how he missed us more than we would ever know and how he couldn’t wait to come back to his family again. He couldn’t wait to go to Triangle City and get some Zesto’s either.

Then three days after our four year anniversary, the doorbell rang. Kelsey, my sister and I were baking cupcakes and I walked to the door with the cupcake batter in my hands. When I opened the door, two of Chris’ superiors were at my door with a folded up American flag in their hands. And right then and there at that moment, I knew that Chris had died. I dropped the cupcake batter and fell to the door screaming “Chris” over and over again. My sister and Kelsey came running to the front door and then at that moment, my sister knew what had happened.

I remember that his superiors said, “I’m sorry for your loss. Chris was a great man and I know this is going to be hard on you. If there is anything you need, please call us.” And I just looked up at them and said “Chris. I need Chris.” They handed the flag to my sister and went on there way as I sat there in front of the door crying and screaming. I don’t remember much after that, I just remember laying in bed for days. I just kept thinking that he died three days after one of the happiest days of my life. The more I thought of it, the more I felt like I got my heart ripped out of my chest.

He had been so much more than my husband and the father of my child, he was my best friend. Somebody I could tell everything to. He was right there in front of me on the computer three days ago smiling and telling me and Kelsey how much he loved us and now he’s gone. He had never met Kelsey in person and she has never met him in person and now she would never get the chance. She was robbed at meeting her father and the more I thought about it, the more angry I got.

The only thing I had left of him as living proof was Kelsey. So while I was crying and crying, Kelsey came and laid with me. She rubbed my head and told me that she loved me. Those little gestures were what got me through. When Chris’ body was flown in and Kelsey met her dad, she looked at him and said “Daddy, I love you.” and kissed him.

So as I stand here in front of you, I know that my journey as a single mother and a military wife is going to be difficult but I’m lucky that I have you guys as my support system. So thank you for being there for Kelsey and I in our moment of grief. I’m going to miss having Chris by my side and it saddens me that Kelsey will never get to know what a hug from her father feels like, or what he smells like but I know that I am Chris’ wife and he wouldn’t want me to stand here and suffer. I’m an army wife and I can make it through this.
As I finished my speech I walked with Kelseys’ hand in mine and we placed a white rose on Chris’ casket. As we said our final goodbyes Kelsey said she wanted to say something private to Chris so I walked away and let her have her moment as I talked to Chris’ parents. When she came back to me I asked her if she could tell me what she had told her daddy and she told me, “Even though I didn’t get to meet you, I still love you and I know that you are waiting on me and Mommy to come with you so we can be together.” As soon as she said that a tear came down my face and she wiped it away and told me, “We are Army girls.” I looked at her and said “You’re right baby.”