Caught Between Two Thoughts | Teen Ink

Caught Between Two Thoughts

October 9, 2013
By Calliashi SILVER, Litchfield Park, Arizona
Calliashi SILVER, Litchfield Park, Arizona
6 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The man with the key is king and honey, you should see me in a crown. ~James Moriarty

Dear Diary,
I don’t know how to find out. There’s no real test, no real characteristics. You see it on T.V. I’ve mostly seen it on Glee, but I’ve seen it elsewhere as well. I don’t want to be open about it because I just DON’T KNOW. I’ve felt that urge with some people. And not the usual boys either. Evan’s picture still makes my heart flutter and do a squeaky shriek pop out of my mouth. But other than him no boy has made me feel that way. But some girls, I get that slight urge that I want to give them a kiss on the cheek. Or I want to say “I love you,” when I leave.
I’ve only admitted this to one person, and that’s my friend Sarah. She kept telling me that I’m not, but I’m just not sure. We talked about my symptoms. Sarah says she feels that way occasionally too, but she’s not lesbian any more than I am. I kept insisting that I felt the way that I did. She kept denying, so then I told her how easily I could imagine kissing her. She went quiet. She said she could with Sabrina as well, and I DO believe her. But it just confused me more.
You can’t pick who you love. You can’t choose what sexuality you are either. Sometimes you find girls attractive, sometimes you find boys hot and sometimes you’re just not sure. What are the options? Straight, gay, and bisexual? I guess I would be bi, right?
The whole reason this thought occurred is that I tend to try and remember what I had just looked at. So after I look at a person and I look away, the image of the person flashes in my mind. I know it’s weird. Anyway, when I look away from girls the main focus of the flash is either their bust or their rear. I really hate it because I end up feeling perverted about it. But with guys I don’t end up looking lower, I look at their face.
Maybe I’m only overreacting, but I can’t shake that feeling out. The only person that’s mostly making me feel this way besides Sarah is Canary. Canary is just her nickname I gave her because she has a beautiful singing voice like the bird. Really, her name is Lisa and she is STUNNING! She has darkish blonde hair that’s always curled a little and it’s so cute! And her eyes are just gorgeous and so pure, so clear. I feel as if with those eyes she can see into anyone’s soul and tell if they’re lying. But mostly it’s her voice. Her voice gives me some kind of security. Her voice is steady, and comforting, and just so CALM I can’t help but be drawn to her.
Sarah had given me some ideas on how people can tell if a girl is lesbian. A few of the ideas apply to me, like baggy clothes and staring into girls’ eyes . . . and others don’t. But I know the real way I’ll be able to know for sure, and it’s simple, really. You have to kiss. I have to kiss. One boy, and one girl, then I’ll know. One should have some kind of spark and the other dull as a rock. But I can’t do that! I can’t kiss a boy, and kissing a girl, like my friends, will ruin my friendship with them.
How will I know? How can I find out?
How can I know if I’m a lesbian?
All I know is with some girls and some guys . . . I get the sensation of love.

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This article has 9 comments.

on Nov. 14 2013 at 8:10 am
ChristianGuild GOLD, Grand Ledge, Michigan
17 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
Perception is reality.

Enjoyed the Diary layout! Great job :)

on Nov. 3 2013 at 4:44 pm
SpeakerOfTheDead PLATINUM, Lemont, Illinois
27 articles 31 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”
― Henry David Thoreau

I loved how you did the diary entry. It flows great. 

Tamy24 said...
on Oct. 27 2013 at 12:35 pm
Tamy24, Brooklyn, New York
0 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
" Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary." Cecil Beaton- note to self

I hope she does too, because everyone in life has a goal and that is to find you as a writer and as yourself. Because, you want to be comfortable with who you are and your story is very inspiring and I mean who I'm I to judge. But Great job, overall.

Zolenz DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 22 2013 at 4:56 pm
Zolenz DIAMOND, Musquodoboit Harbour, NS, Other
65 articles 0 photos 173 comments

Favorite Quote:
The pain that have cost us, the evils which have never happened.
- Thomas Jefferson

I feel exactly the same! Its a touchy subject and everything you said is true. thankyou for submitting this.

on Oct. 22 2013 at 3:50 pm
The_Capricornian GOLD, Marietta, Georgia
12 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Ernest Hemingway

Nice, I feel you captured the thought process of a diary entry well, not to mention writing it on a controversial subject.

on Oct. 21 2013 at 2:40 am
TanazMasaba GOLD, Dhaka, Other
16 articles 10 photos 214 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's Heaven on Earth."

---William W. Purkey

Wow this is a really good piece. I mean, first of all you are writing about a very sensitive subject that most teens are insecure about, and writing in diary format is a great idea cause that way the thoughts of the narrator seem more personal and convincing. I didn't find any faults with grammer or sentence structure, so that's a huge plus and over all it was a good read.   The bad side? (please don't hate me!)...I think it lacked a bit of emotion. You know how they say "show not tell"? Well that's what happened here. You were telling the reader everything, which often tends to make the writing seem plain and boring. I know its hard to do the "showing" part in a diary entry, but perhaps you could have written a flashback in the diary and include a few direct speeches? Just one or two would have been fine. Just a suggestion. Hope I helped :)

on Oct. 20 2013 at 7:23 am
FinnWinterfall GOLD, Rochester, Massachusetts
10 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There, there."

Great job with this diary entry.  I hope your main character finds the answer she is looking for.

on Oct. 19 2013 at 10:22 pm
Fallen_ PLATINUM, Quakertown, Pennsylvania
25 articles 3 photos 433 comments

Favorite Quote:
" a shattered world is only an opening into a new beginning with laughs, smiles, and love all around enter the world of the light and away from the broken darkness"

Great story i love your imagery and deiscriptive writing style i lvoe how you start it with dear diary becuase it instantly becomes more personal. well done my friend

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 17 2013 at 3:45 am
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Great story! The description you used was really good, and it was very detailed, especially the emotions of the narrator. The story flowed well and it was interesting from the start. My only advice would be to include a little bit more background information on the main character, but apart from that it was really good. I'd definitely read more of this story and I like your idea. You're a great writer! :)