Unsaid feelings



The everlasting school routine continued the early morning of September the 13th around 7 A.M. and wouldn’t seem to stop for another few months. I rolled out of bed, straightened my hair, and slapped some make-up on to make myself somewhat presentable to all the judgmental people at school. I threw on a sweater that I stole from my sister’s closet the night before praying she wouldn’t notice and hopped on the dreadful bus. Sitting alone listening to music for those 7 minutes seemed like eternity before my friend Jackie came running down the aisle.
“Morning Angelina!” She said ever so peppy and yanked my earphone right out of my ear and accidently pulled my sleeve back a little.
“Hey ha-ha,” I replied quickly pulling my sleeve back down so she wouldn’t see.
It has basically been the same bus ride for the past 4 years. I had the right earphone she had the left and we listened to music the whole drive to school. Every once in a while we’d have small conversations but we didn’t need to talk to each other to understand how each other’s mornings were going, and in this case she knew I was having yet another bad one.
“Why can’t he just shut up and apologize,” I mentioned to Jackie. She knew who I was talking about without even having to look up. Sam. He was a few seats in front of us and happened to look back right when I made that comment. I diverted my eyes back to Jackie hoping he didn’t see me glance over there. That triggered something in her and I was soon approached with an inspiring 2 minute lecture.
“Ya know what, live the life you love, love the life you live. If you don’t exactly love the life you are currently living, then make changes! Make changes until nothing can stop you. Ang, people are gonna come in and out of your life. You get to choose who comes in, but not who goes out. He walked right out of your life so you get to choose if he comes back in or stays out. It’s your decision and I know it’s not an easy one.”
I had to admit, that was pretty confusing but I didn’t know how to respond to it. There was a moment of silence where I thought she could actually feel my heart beating out of my chest. Thankfully this random girl asked me about the biology test today and I instantly snapped out of that faze and was able to answer her question while changing the subject.
As the day progressed I was thinking about all the homework I had tonight. The projects I procrastinated on and the test I still needed to study for. I was thankful I had study hall next though. The one free period I could do absolutely nothing.
“Omg did you see his status update?! Apparently they’re dating now!!” I overheard from the gossip girls themselves.
“Hey, who’s the ugly boy we’re talking about now? I butted in trying to join the conversation ever so casually.
“Oh he’s deff not ugly! It’s Sam! Ah! But guess who he’s dating,” she inquired as all six of them started pretending like they were puking into an invisible trashcan, “Carly Smith! Now shoo you little mut!” I was bombarded with a pool of puppy faces trying not to laugh.
I stood up immediately and excused myself to the bathroom so I could cry in private. I texted Jackie and Hanna, my other bestie, and told them to come straight to Wing A’s bathroom. Turns out they found each other in the hallway and rushed to come find me.
“Angelina…?” they both said so softly, almost as soft as butter spreading on hot toast. However, the last thing on my mind was food.
“Look!” I tried to say through the tears. I held the phone out and showed them both of their profiles and they’re jaws dropped at the exact same time like synchronized jaw swimmers. However, Hanna’s dropped not because of the new found relationship but because she saw my scars. She looked me in the eyes and I mouthed ‘Shhh’
“But I though…he...? He knew you liked him…and…and he liked you too?” Jackie muttered out.
“I never told him how I felt,” I choked.
“Oh forget him! You’re way too good for him trust me!” Jackie encouraged, but also interrupted, “wait what? Why not?”
“How was I supposed to tell someone that kind of thing when it’s hard for me just to carry out a short conversation with him? I mean that is without saying something stupid,” I sighed, “it’s too late now so I don’t even care.”
The tears dried up and I walked back to class and put on my fake smile that everyone thought was so real, but really it’s almost as fake as Carly herself. That’s when someone latched on to my arm and whipped me around the corner. Instantly I knew it was Hanna.
“Angelina!! Those better be from your sassy cat Cheshire because if it wasn’t Cheshire then omg Ang. This can’t be serious,” she rambled on.

Finally I interrupted her and said, “It’s is.”

“Ang why?!,” she exclaimed. She obviously had no clue.

“Shhh! Someone might hear you! Look, I’m sorry I never told you or Jackie but now that you know you can’t tell Jackie you just can’t,” I tried to explain as fast as I could.

“Okay okay, I’m worried about you,” she whispered.

“I’m fine. I stopped,” saying between deep breathes that ended the conversation.


Right when I walking back into study hall the gossip girls plus a few were all staring at me, it’s like then knew I was going to walk in right that second. All those judgmental eyes were all on me. I even heard one whisper, “Look you can tell she was crying!” They all just started giggling and pointing. Then again they were just being the brats they always were so it wasn’t hard for me to ignore them.
Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse it seemed as if everyone had turned on me. My regulars stopped saying hi in the hallways and everyone just glared at me. Was it all just getting to my head or what is really let’s all ignore Angelina day, maybe even pretend Angelina is dead day. It was utterly heartbreaking to realize that Carly and Sam were now a ‘thing’ and it left me with hmm…no one. I knew I didn’t need a boy to be happy, I just ruined my chance with him because I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to tell him.
About 3 hours later, if I can even keep track of time with all this drama, I found myself sitting at the foot of my bed scribbling all my feelings into my tiny journal. The tear drops that fell from my eyes splattered the ink making it harder to read than it already was. Next thing I knew my mom barged in and saw me crying.
“Honey, are you okay? She stated in a concerned tone like a normal mom would do.
“I’m fine,” I responded.
“You know you can talk to me about everything, right?”
“Yes, I know mom,” I said with a little bit of attitude so she would know I didn’t want to talk about it. Which she picked up on very quickly and left. I was pleased to be alone in my room again.
I walked out to the kitchen to grab some cheese-its thinking no one would see me just to find out that my sister was right there on the couch watching my every move.
“ANGELINA IS THAT MY SWEATER? TAKE IT OFF. TAKE IT OFF NOW! WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK?! UGH MOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!” she screamed so sharply I thought I heard glass break.
Right then and there I took it off faster than you could say ‘broken’. I raced up the stairs, slammed my door, locked it, and cried right when my face hit my pillow. I had no one. No one anymore. Jackie and Hanna wouldn’t care. My mom wouldn’t care. My sister is just always mad. So, I stayed in my room the entire night with only cheese-its for dinner. It actually wasn’t too bad until I was famished at 12:00 A.M. My mom tried multiple times to get in my room but I wouldn’t let her, what was I supposed to say to her? How would I explain things? How am I even supposed to go to school tomorrow? How!

“You’re gunna be late, you’re gunna be late, you’re gunna be late, you’re gunna be-”
“Dead is what I’m gunna be!!!!” I yelled back at my alarm clock.
Quickly I put jeans and a t-shirt on and rushed out the door just making my bus. No makeup or anything. My hair was a mess so I had no choice but to bundle in up into a bun. Talk to no one, trust no one, look at no one. I didn’t say a word all day. Jackie and Hanna kept asking what was wrong but I just kept walking. I probably looked like a zombie. I didn’t think it would be so easy to not talk to anyone the whole day. The only people who tried to talk to me were Jackie and Hanna and they eventually faded out when I didn’t even acknowledge their presence. It was just me for the next couple of months.
I used to sleep every day; I came home from school, did my homework, and slept. My parents think I’m depressed and to be honest, I don’t really know if I am or not. I lost my boy and all my friends, so I basically had nothing. What else am I supposed to do besides shut myself out from the world? I had worn that fake smile way too long. Everything was always bottled up and my mom always said that I just need to let it out, but how am I even supposed to do that? How do I explain how I feel? How I feel about Sam, my friends, my family, school, everything. I just couldn’t put it all into words.

December 29th
On that Friday night I sat in my bed and just thought for a good 2 hours. I thought about everyone in my life and that’s when I remembered what Jackie had said to me that morning about Sam. He walked out of my life and I can’t control that, but I can control who walks in. What Jackie said to me that morning a month ago now changed my whole entire perspective on things. You have to do what you want and be who you want to be in order to be happy in life. I will admit it. I was depressed, I cut myself, I was at an all time low and I never want to reach that breaking point again. I had this reoccurring dream of people yelling at me and bullying me and it just wouldn’t go away. I even had to take these nasty anti-depression pills. I felt worthless and alone, but now I feel as if I’m nowhere near those things. I have people who love me and people who will never leave me and just because it took me kind of a while to realize it doesn’t mean it ever changed. Jackie, Hanna, and I reunited and promised we would never split up again. It’s funny how fast a situation can go from good to bad or vice versa. I see kids in school and wonder if they’re going through what I went through. You just don’t know. That to me, is what breaks my heart. I never showed how insecure and upset I was until it finally just came out and then I just couldn’t help it. However, before that I was quiet, I didn’t say a thing. I pretended I was happy for the longest time wishing it would come true. After times of despair it finally did.






Yours truly,







Angelina