Lucy laid in bed waiting with her eyes closed. Tears stained her delicately painted pink cheeks. The clock read 1:32 AM.

Lucy inhaled deeply. As she waited her mind began to drift back into the state of shock and confusion it had been stuck in for weeks. The clock’s glowing red numbers continued to change and she paid close attention.

Jake was always on time and tonight was no exception. The rasp on her window came exactly at 2:22 (she had always believed it was a lucky number). She turned her head in time to see him pulling his weight into the window. She always left the windows unlocked at night.

Lucy lay motionless in her bed. Jake took long, quiet steps towards the door, checked its lock, and walked back across the room to the bed. Jake bent over and kissed her wet cheeks. He carefully placed his lean body next to hers.

Tonight Lucy did not turn and wrap her body around his. Instead, she squeezed her eyes back shut and listen to Jake breathe. As their breathing synchronized, she began the painful process of remembering.

She started her timeline on the night they thought it had happened. Jake’s knuckles grazed the glass and he entered the room at 2:22 like he had tonight, and almost every night since May.

Lucy took another deep gulp of air. Now in mid-January she could still remember that dreamy November night that had turned her life into a nightmare.

It had been unusually warm, but the weather was always unusual in California. She remembered Jake’s surprise when he saw her sitting, not lying, on the bed as he examined her body which was covered only by a lacey Victoria’s Secret panty set. He walked by the bed to check the door without removing his eyes from hers.

That night they made love. Jake pulled her close to his chest and she wrapped her body around his. Their breathing synchronized and she held his torso tighter. Lucy had felt so safe and separate from the world in his arms.

That night was far away now. Lucy’s eyes opened as her tears began streaming again. She turned and placed her head on Jake’s chest.

“I love you,” Jake whispered into her hair.

“More,” she said.

“Most,” he argued.

“Equal,” they agreed.

Jake laid his hand on her stomach and traced her belly button with his finger tips.

“What are we going to do, Luce?”

“I don’t know, Jake.”

Lucy paused. She could feel fresh tears forming in her eyes.

“We have to decide”, she finally whispered. “In a week the clinic won’t take me anymore, Jake.”

Jake’s hand paused. “I don’t want them to take you. I never did. I want to take care of you,” he said firmly. “And him,” he added.
“Don’t call it a him.”
“Don’t call him an it.”
Lucy’s body clenched with frustration.
“Jake,” she said even more firmly, “we can’t keep him.”
“Why not?”
“God damn it Jake, you know why not.”

Jake didn’t say anything for a while. When he finally spoke, its was in a soft loving voice. He talked about the future they could have. He’d get a job, they could move in together. The could name the baby after her dad, and teach him to ride a bike. Lucy’s body filled with warmth with each word he said. But in the back of her mind she knew it wasn’t possible. Jake promised to buy her a ring and that they could get married in July. Lucy said yes.

Jake was so excited and felt so triumphant that he continued his fantasy further than he ever had before and continued to plan their whole future with three kids and a dog named Spike.

Lucy nodded and mumbled “mhhm” at all the right intervals. But she wasn’t thinking about Spike or riding bikes or planning a wedding. She was thinking about this thing living inside her. This thing that had so drastically changed her future. And she thought about how easily it could be removed. She had read all the books, looked at all the diagrams. She had scheduled an appointment without telling Jake. She would never tell Jake, she decided.

As Jake talked about the future years and years from now, she focused on the morning which would make its appearance in several hours. Her appointment was supposed to be scheduled for 2:30, but she had talked the receptionist into making it for 2:22.

She knew that this is what she had to do. She knew it was best for all of them, and that the “thing” would be none the wiser to living or “not living”. But she listened to Jake’s voice. As their chests rose and fell at the same time, she couldn’t help but wonder is “his” would too. Jake said he was going to buy baby clothes tomorrow after his classes and they could plan a family gathering to break the news. He promised that her ring would be princess cut with white gold, the way she had always imagined.

Her stomach grumbled and she wondered what it would feel like when her belly got huge and the baby kicked at its walls. But she refused to think about the baby. Or a future with the baby. Or any future that did not involve her going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon.

She closed her eyes again. Jake’s voice continued to speak dreamily into her ear. Then she heard him say, “I love you.”

Jake said, “Thank you for keeping our child. Thank you for agreeing to the beautiful life I will make you. Thank you, for being you Lucy. I trust you more than anybody. I’m so glad it’s you.”

Lucy loved him. She loved him with all her heart. She wanted this future, but not now. Not so unexpectedly. Not so young. Not now.
Lucy whispered back that she loved him too.

When he fell asleep, his hand was still on her stomach. As she closed her eyes, she saw a baby’s tiny face staring into hers.

Lucy held Jake closer. She knew he was already sleeping, but she still said “I don’t want to name him after my father. I want to name him Gabriel.”