I had lost complete control, I was angry, I was pissed off. I didn’t know the fires that I would cause that day, I didn’t know the people I’d hurt that day, all I knew was I couldn’t fix it. I had lost control of everything around me. November 18, 1963 was and still is one of the worst days of my life. That day I woke up in my same depressed state as I normally did everyday, but this time along with the sadness there was an anger hidden beneath. I put my clothes on, pulled out my bible and began reading the book of Job. As I was reading I began thinking to myself, ‘why did God let Satan take everything from Job, what was the purpose of it, just to prove a point. If Job was such a righteous man why did God let him get hurt, why would God curse Job in this way,’ I thought. Taking him through the pain of losing his family. The more and more I read, the more and more angry I grew, I stored up this anger in my heart. This anger stayed with me throughout the rest of the day.

I rode to school just like every other day and like every other day I went to my classes, listening to the lectures my teachers prepared that day. As I went from class to class I realized I didn’t feel like going and instead I left the school building and rode to Debbie's Diner. It was isolated and not many people were there, it was quiet and peaceful just the way I liked it. A waitress named Lucille came to me and asked me what I wanted to order, I ordered the cherry pie, with coffee on the side. The waitress brought my food to me,“what’s got you bummed out,” she asked me. “I’m fine,” I answered back bitterly. “We’ll alright enjoy,” she said to me with a smile. I ate fast because I was hungry, I couldn’t remember the last time I ate anything, I then went on to pour the coffee down my throat. “Careful honey you’ll burn yourself, did you want anything else,” Lucille asked. “Bring me your one of your specials,” I answered back. She brought me back a plate full of eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Before I knew it all the food had left my plate. My stomach started to turn right after, I pulled out my money and laid it on the table and exited the diner. I rode back home, my parents were still at work, I went inside and searched the cabinets. I searched until I stumbled across my parents liquor cabinet. I drank everything I saw, the taste was foul to me, but it was tolerable. I cried over and over again.

Later on I heard police sirens outside my home, I heard someone turning the doorknob of our house and my parents walked in. “Oh honey there you are, what’s going on with you,” my mother said frantically. “I’ll tell you what’s going on, your boy here polished off all the booze in the house,” my father said sounding enraged. “Sure did, I’m sorry was that a bad thing,” I said sarcastically to my dad. “You think this is funny don’t you, your mother and I were worried sick, what the hell is going on with you,” my father yelled at me. “Honey, he’s going through something he-,” my mother starts to say but my father cuts in. “He’s been going through something Lucille, he hasn’t been eating, we’re finding tissues of blood in the trash; you can’t tell me it’s not bothering you,” my father yelled back to my mother. “You wanna know what’s going on with me… you wanna know,” I said now crying drunken tears, “your son’s a f*ing faggot.” It was silent in the house for a couple seconds,“C'mon we're going to church, we need prayer right now,” my father said gently grabbing my shoulder but I shrug away. “I’m not going anywhere, you think God cares about me, you think he f*ing cares,he doesn’t care. I’ve been praying, reading, and fasting but it doesn’t work. If he gave a s*** about me I wouldn’t be so screwed up,” I yelled attempting to stand. I hear something hit the ground and I see my mother lying there, my father rushes to her. “Oh God, what have I done”, I said sobbing uncontrollably.

The next few hours were so surreal to me, I remember the ambulances. I remember the car ride with dad to the hospital, we said absolutely nothing. Though the hospital wasn’t far from our house, the ride there seemed almost endless, I stared at my dad and he’d stare back at me. He started trying to speak to me, but struggled to find the words. What could he say, his own son put his mother in the hospital. I looked out the window, staring out at the night sky. Hoping this was just a nightmare, hoping I could die. The car stops at the hospital, we quickly exit the car. We rushed inside the hospital, ran to her room, the nurse was waiting by the door. “Now stay calm, she’s had a mild heart attack, she will be fine but please do your best not to stress her too much she needs to rest,” the nurse said quietly to us before entering the room where my mother was. We each walk through the door into the room slowly. My mother is sat upright on the bed with a smile on her face. “Where’s Amy,” she asked my father. “She’s still with Nora, I asked if she can keep her through the night,” my dad replied back. “Please don’t just stand there, please I need you guys,” she said beckoning us to come near her. We crouch down near her bed side and hold her as she starts to cry, as we struggle to keep our own tears in.

Later on we went home, I walked slowly up the stairs to my room. I flipped on the light and began sobbing uncontrollably. I started throwing things against the wall, I then go to my desk ready to dump all my things on the floor, but then I see my bible open to Job, I read a couple lines silently to myself. I started reading a conversation Job had with his wife,“His wife said to him,‘Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!,’ He replied,‘You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?’”(Job 2:9). I didn’t understand why Job reacted this way, why would he continue serving a God who caused him so much agony. I asked myself this but couldn’t come up with an answer, I shut my bible went to my bed and layed there with eyes wide open. I was no Job, when everything fell, I fell right along with it. That day I lost control, but you can’t fix the past, what has been will be forever.