Neat folds and iron creases were scattered across his murky green, polo shirt. His matching dark, khaki shorts were draped above his knees just as they always were. A smile of surrealness spread across his lips, but hidden at first glance, were the cracks that lay beyond the image of the dream. The truth he so desperately tried to conceal seeped out, creating an uneasiness in the air. My mind started to fade back in time to the moment where the walls of our relationship started to crumble.

*****

Car tires come to a sudden halt as he applied the brakes a little too late. My body jerked forward only to be yanked back in my seat. Moaning at the force, my dad waved his arms in an attempt at an apology. I looked up at him through the rear view mirror, and his green eyes shimmered back. They seemed to be missing something, almost like a plastic cover was stretched across his eyes giving off the shimmer.

Puzzled, I turned back around to get my stuff from next to me, when I saw an open letter in the back seat. I hadn’t noticed it before, but then again I hadn’t really been looking for a letter. My little eight year old eyes swallowed the words, quickly, before my dad could take the letter from my sight.

We are glad you have decided to accept our offer.
Those words seemed to prance around in circles in my eyes as they continued to stay glued to the now empty seat where the letter used to lay.
“Pey, get out of the car.” My dad said opening my door signaling with his hands that it was time for me to get out. As tempting as it was, my attention span didn’t seem to let go of the spot on the seat. He continued to provoke me to get out of the car, but for awhile I just sat there. I didn’t know why I sat there. It wasn’t like I knew what the letter was about, but what I did know scared me deep within my core.

The letter wasn’t from any place I had heard of, nor was it from this state. It had come from a place in Georgia, a place called Gulf Stream. Peeling my attention away from the emptiness, I turned toward my dad only to find a emptiness staring me in the face again. He looked at me as if waiting for me to ask. He thought I knew everything. He thought his secret was up, but little did he know, that the way he started through me showed me that there was something I had to worry about.

“Dad, what's the letter about?” The words sputtered out of my mouth before I could think twice. He paused, studying his answer a moment. Should he tell me the truth or should he say it was nothing?
“It’s a job offer.” He stated.
“ A job offer in Georgia?” My voice cracked.
“Yes.”
“But you didn’t take it right?” I offered a smile, not for his comfort, but for my own. There was no answer. His face straightened showing no emotion. My dad didn’t know what to say to me. However, he hadn’t thought he would have had to.

“I wasn’t even going to tell you I was leaving. It would’ve been like old times except I’ll only see you once a month versus every week.” He brushed off his comment like it was an everyday lie he told to a coworker.

*****

His eyes told the same untold story as they did on that day. They were worn by past years as if they were a jacket with one too many rips. His smile cracked, as if the pressure was too strong. Deep down, thinking back to his statement, I knew I wouldn’t see him once a month, but I could hope. I could hope that maybe he would do what he said. I could hope that maybe he’d be there this time. I could have false hope if it let me keep the smile on my face for him.

Casually, he grabbed his suitcase from the back of the car and rolled it onto the walkway. Tick,tick,tick went the wheels on the rolling bag resembling the soft hum of time moving by. Fumbling with the zipper, he pulled out his fading yellow post-it-notes that were strategically crumpled to his liking. He knew exactly where everything was, and where everything would be. Small, messy letters that were supposed to be words were sprinkled carelessly throughout the notes. Nodding with delight, he had everything he needed.

Standing still, he was trying to cope with the situation at hand. He began to contemplate whether or not he was making the right choice. Was this what he needed out of life? Is this benefitting his family, or just himself? Deep in his mind, buried somewhere under numerous, scattered thoughts, he knew that what he was doing wasn’t the right decision. However, no matter how he felt deep down, it was too far buried to be found. He couldn’t find that thought amongst the others.

“Do you really have to leave?”

Black and White. His eyes, blank showed that the mechanics of his emotions functioning. Black and White was how he was analyzing the situation. It was fascinating watching the gears of his mind fumble over the idea of what was asked. His eyes, moved back and forth, slightly, as if reading a font that I could not see. The tips of his fingers curled one at a time against his leg.

He didn’t know what to say, and neither did I.  Arms encircled me holding me tight as if I was the wind being dragged off in another direction. He held me like I was a moment in time that he didn’t want to forget. He held me like time could be stopped for just a second, but time could never stop. He pulled back, looking down at me, taking in my little eight year old smile that I had plastered to my face to hide my emotions. His eyes didn’t have tears glossing them like mine did. No, he was happy with the decision he made. Little did he know it was tearing me in half, but it was all hidden behind my crevices in my smile.

He marched off like he had accomplished the situation, that he did what he could because it would be better in the end. Meanwhile, I stood there thinking about why he was worried about the future when his present was passing him by as they spoke? Why run towards the end when he’s missing the life that’s growing in front of him? Then I knew exactly why he did it. Dad never needed a rear view mirror in his life. All he could see what was coming on the horizon. He was too focused on the sunrise to see the sunset, and over time it showed in his eyes. Over the years they started wearing regret like a perfume. Of course he didn’t talk about it, but he didn’t have to.

He disappeared behind two doors off towards his future, leaving his past and present standing with the broom to pick up his mess.

“Goodbye, daddy.” I whispered.