“I wanted to die, wanted to leave all my pain behind and start a new life”
I wrote that in my journal two nights ago with hot tears rolling down my cheeks. My parents were fighting again; they were fighting about something that happened three months ago. It was about my dad’s business trip to Australia. My mom accused him of cheating again just like two years ago she accused him of cheating on her. Throughout the night there were stomping and yelling, I couldn’t get a wink of sleep that night. I woke up from the two hours of sleep I managed to get. I got ready, putting on a pair of skinny jeans and a teal camisole. I went downstairs for breakfast and saw everything on the floor either broken or damaged. I saw my mom in the kitchen cleaning up the broken glass.  “What happened?” I asked.  “Your dad and I were fighting yesterday and we got out of hand,” my mom mumbled. “Damn it you guys! What the hell, do you guys really have to break everything in this house?” I said raising my voice. I grabbed my bag and ran out the house into my silver car. It was raining hard and I sat in the car in silence, thinking.
“Everyone says that everything is going to be alright, that’s bulls*** because not everything in life can be alright all the time. “
I jotted this in my journal at school after all my friends said “it’s going to be alright”. I know that they’re my friends and all but I can’t help the fact that the word “alright” is always somehow squeezed into their sentences. I thought today would get better but I was wrong, extremely wrong. I blame my parents for my misery and pain, they don’t seem to care and see that other people cry at night when they do their little scene of arguing and fighting. When I’m holding so much pain up in me, nothing is alright.
“Wanting the same things as everybody is probably better than having something that no one else has.”
I got this pain in my chest that makes it hard for me to breathe and it’s pounding rapidly, it feels like my body is boiling but I’m not even sweating one bit. I stood up all night crying, my eyes are swollen from crying so much they look terrified not wanting me to cry again. Everyone at school looks so happy and full of excitement, whereas I’m dying slowly, quietly inside. When someone waves at me and say hi I give them a small grin and look away. I wish I was happy and cheerful every morning like the rest of the world but I can’t because my family and my screwed up life that really has no meaning.
“When will there be new open doors that will lead me to find someone who understands and has gotten out of this mixture of bulls***?”
I felt cold and empty like an empty cardboard box being blown all over the place having no control of anything except the form and shape of itself. My stomach hurts so much I feel like every step I take I feel like taking a puking session. I know I didn’t eat anything this morning for breakfast so what is it? Oh no! It must have been yesterday’s lunch with Kamie and Carma. Damn it I ate too much of that cream pie, I wasn’t paying attention at how much I was eating. Oh well guess I’ll have to try to go through the day.
“You were supposed to be my best friend, my best bud, my sister. You were the one who taught me how to live and what not to do. How could she do this to me?”
I slapped this into my journal after I saw my best friend basically making out with my biggest crush. I liked him ever since the 4th grade! How could she? Why would she do this to me? I’m crying lakes of tears, people can hear my waves of sorrows in the bathroom. All I have left as true friends is Kamie and Carma now. Jasmine betrayed me, she broke my heart, and she took all of what I had left. I cried and cried, just thinking back to when I had decent conversations with him and Jasmine helping me make it  through everyday bearing the pain that was in me. I truly thought that I was getting closer to him because of her and I also thought that she would always have my back instead of stabbing me right in the back. I would have been a lot happier if she just came and straight up punched me instead. Starting today Jasmine will be out of my life, no more being friends, no more sleepovers, no more helping me getting through my pain.

“Was he worth my tears, was he even interested in me a bit? Did he actually want to be at least friends with me? Am I even the one that he wants to be around? Did I only like him because of Jasmine? I don’t know and I don’t think I want to know.”
My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my mind hurts, and everything hurts. School was out the weekend came by. I didn’t feel like going home, didn’t feel like going to Carma’s or Kamie’s. I drove around and as I turned the corner of a street I didn’t recognize it was a clear straight road and trees. I didn’t know where I was going but I kept on going anyways. Like my aunt said “go with what you don’t recognize, it may take you to something you recognize and will eventually take you to where you need to go most”.  I always thought that was a stupid saying but this time I thought it wasn’t such a bad saying after all. My sad thoughts vanished, I felt warm and cozy for some reason. I thought of only the road and a mysterious guy. I don’t know why he would pop into my head but he did. I drove and drove, it seem like it was a never ending road. Part of me wanted to turn back around and get the hell out but then part of me wanted to keep driving and find out what’s on the other side of this road and forest of tall green trees. It was already 6:00 in the afternoon and the sun was already setting in a beautiful bright orange purple sky. I took out my phone and dialed Carma but there was no signal, I tried again but didn’t do anything different. I set my phone aside and kept on driving focusing on the road and my surroundings closely. An hour past and I was still driving, my stomach growled yelling at me to feed it. About another half hour has passed and I finally come to see lights and houses and people. It looks like a city almost like Downtown Chicago where the city lights light up the streets with that glow of big smiles and warmth when you enter the town. It’s absolutely amazing; I’ve never seen such a lightened up street like this before. What I noticed when I drove into the town was it didn’t have a sign that said “Welcome to…” it was odd to me. The feeling was almost as if this town didn’t want to be found out or wanted to be found.
“I want to have a bright smile like others, I want a loving family like others, and I want everything like others.”
I smiled for the first time in a long time.  Seeing all these friends and family smiling the night away enjoying each other’s company made me wish my town was like that. My town has many judgmental teens and oldies that are strict on traditions. I shouldn’t care about people’s judgment about me but some just hurts so much I hold a grudge on them. I want to let go and forgive like in movies and books but it’s not as simple as it sounds. I just wish that people would accept me and help me get through my everyday pain. All I want to feel again is happiness and warmth. I drove past a few bars and then parked in front of a café. I headed in and sat down, many people looked at me but I just grinned. A lady gave me a menu and walked away, I looked at the menu then my stomach growled. I realized I didn’t get to eat at all today so then I ordered a bowl of creamy beef stew and a cup of hot coffee with whipped cream on top. I quietly ate my meal and paid then walked out. “Where to next?” I whispered in my head. I walked to my car and unlocked my car then got in.
“Here I don’t have to look away from smiling people. Here I can be happy and no can ruin it for me. Here my heart felt warmth. Here I didn’t think of my life back with my family. Here I was free of everything”
I smiled holding onto the wheel firmly thinking why I haven’t found this place earlier. I looked around deciding where to go next but everything was so unfamiliar I didn’t know what to do. I drove off anyways looking side to side for somewhere to go. About 5 minutes later I drove by a mall, it was beautiful and it glowed like a big light bulb. I found a parking spot and parked my car slightly uneven. I grabbed my purse and walked in to the mall, I was amazed at how the building  was built. It was nothing like our malls in town at all, it was a building with a couple floors full of stores and a small attraction in the center. This whole place made me carefree and full of energy. I was happy that in this place everywhere shined like the sun and stars. Everyone was nice and the people were polite; no one was rude to each other and no one was giving each other attitude. I was happy and finally relieved from reality.

“Finally I spent time to repair myself from the rips and tears that everyone did to me. I didn’t have to fake smile in this place; I didn’t have to say I was fine in this place. I also didn’t have to hide my pain in this place.”