Journal Entry - August 22, 2014
I signed the divorce papers today.  I never saw myself divorced with two kids at 26, but here I am.  We were married for six years.  But in the end, Matt and I didn’t love each other anymore.  I came to the realization that I was no longer in love with him, instead I was in love with the memories we shared.  I never expected this to happen to me, to someone else, but not me.  It is what we all think.  In the end I couldn’t escape the inevitable.  At times I feel guilty.  I wasn’t able to stay with the father of my kids.  They won’t be with me and him everyday, instead they will be split between the two of us.  As much as I will miss being with them, I am glad they have a good dad.  I want to hate Matt, but I can’t.  He was a good husband and he is an amazing father.  We just grew apart.  It happens. Everyone has been telling me to put myself back out there.  Should I?  I think I am just going to wait and let love find me.  Right now my main concern is my children.  Avia just turned five and Carson is only one.  I hope they are too young for this divorce to really affect them.  I’ve learned that life doesn’t have a straight and narrow path.  Sometimes life is a highway.
  - Adrianne

Journal Entry - September 3, 2014
The past few weeks has been a whirlwind of long days and tiring nights.  I have been working twelve hour shifts at the hospital.  Twice this week I had to leave work to pick up Avia from school complaining of a fever.  To top it all off, Carson decided to no longer sleep through the nights.  That is the thing about kids, no matter how exhausted you are, they always seem to put a smile on your face.  I have realized this won’t always be the case, especially when they are teenagers.  I dread the day when they no longer need me, but instead are embarrassed to be around me.
I have slowly gotten used to not having the kids on the weekends.  I have to admit that it is a nice break, although I miss them terribly when they are gone.  Sounds like Carson desperately needs me right now if his screaming in any indicator.  I guess I will have to stop here.
- Adrianne

Journal Entry - September 26, 2014
It has been quite a while since I have written.  I haven’t been able to fully process  everything that has gone down.  I noticed some red spots along the back of Avia’s neck while doing her hair one morning.  I took her to the doctor soon after only to discover it was petechiae.  I was not expecting something as small as fevers and red spots to open Pandora’s box.  The test results confirmed it.  Avia had chronic lymphocytic leukemia. Cancer.  The word you hope to never be associated with your child.  She is in stage C, and has already started chemotherapy.  Yesterday I shaved her head.  She had already started to loose her hair.  It is just hair, so I don’t know why I felt so horrible.  I felt as if I was losing a part of her.  She has been acting so strong.  I don’t think she has fully realized the severity of the situation.  You always hear about tragedies happening to people.  You see it all over the news, or even happening to people close to you.  You feel bad for them, but secretly you are glad it isn’t you.  I wonder if it was bound to happen to me.  Is this karma; or is it an inevitable circumstance that was written in the stars?  Was this always going to happen to me; or is it the world punishing me?  I have been trying to not blame myself.  The doctors have all said there was nothing I could have done.  Matt has been there every step of the way.  It has reminded me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.  In a messed up way, the cancer has brought us together again.
- Adrianne

Journal Entry - December 18, 2014
She is gone; Atropos cut the thread.  We lost her to the cancer yesterday.  She fought hard, but in the end it was too much for her.  She suffered more than any five year old should ever have to.  No mother should ever have to watch the light go out of their child’s eyes.  I lost a part of myself that day that I can never get back.  She was a bright light in my life.  Matt and I sat by her bedside after she said her final goodbye.  Both of us put aside any differences we had and focused purely on our daughter.  We both knew it was coming, but there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the pain.  I wonder if a sudden death would have been easier for everyone.  She told me she was glad she knew she was dying, it was worth the pain.  “I’m happy that I know I am going to heaven soon, this way I can make sure to be nice and I can say goodbye”  This is what she said to me when I asked her how she felt about everything.  I told her that she would be a beautiful angel and would watch over her little brother. 
I don’t know how long before I will stop grieving, only time can heal.  Carson needs me, I know I have to live my life again soon.  I don’t know how to anymore.  I feel like I am just dragging myself along, barely living.  Losing a child is the worst possible thing to go through.  The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I will see her again someday.  Cancer is an evil disease, sometimes it can’t be beat no matter how hard you fight.
- Adrianne

Journal Entry - July 4, 2015
Avia would have turned six today.  As much as I miss her, I have slowly let her go.  I feel her presence everyday.  It is no longer a sorrowful one, but a joyful presence.  I know that she is looking down on us with a smile.  I will never forget her, and the light she brought into my life.  Avia brought Matt and I together from the moment she was born.  She gave us purpose.  Life is complicated, and we may never know why things happen to us.  I’ve never been a religious person, but I have always hoped there was a bigger meaning to life.  Was this trial supposed to happen?  Was Avia born for the purpose of bringing Matt and I back together?  I like to think that she was.  Matt and I have patched up our marriage.  We have created new memories to fall in love with.  We lost what we had the first time by letting life get in the way.  Our relationship is even stronger than before.  We have grown up a lot since we were twenty and naive.  This time we are determined to make it work and give Carson a great life.  Who knows, maybe we will even give him a little brother or sister in the future.
- Adrianne