My life changed forever last Saturday night. One moment, I was reading in bed and the next I was standing on the corner of a busy and unfamiliar city street holding a cardboard box.  My first thought was that I was dreaming. Then the lights went out.

       That very moment, a bowl of soup noodles was served in front of me. I was clueless for a while. My senses came back when a stunning-looking lady walked past me. Who else could that be, if it wasn’t my lovely and caring mother. “Good morning, my dear child. Looks like you just woke up from a bad dream”. It is more kind of a weird dream, I guess. If I were to tell her that, it will be sheer embarrassment, so I decided not to.

      “How about you getting ready quickly and join us downstairs? I’ll take your bowl with me downstairs, okay? she said. A short “Okay” was my only reply to her. I bathed, brushed my teeth, put on worn-out t-shirt and a funky pair of jeans and headed downstairs to join my family for breakfast. While enjoying the morning scrumptious ‘nasi lemak’, I couldn’t help but to notice my dad’s empty chair. Before that, it was never that empty. I felt the sudden surge of longing for my dad after his tragic death……

      I remembered clearly what had happened. I was studying in boarding school when that tragic news arrived. It was a fine Friday morning. I woke up early, had breakfast at the dining hall and went straight to school. On the way to school, I saw a dead black bird lying beside the road. It was a horrifying scene if you may say. Suddenly somebody patted my back and said, “People say this is a bad omen, you know.” It was actually my classmate, Asma.” Stop kidding with me, will you!” I shouted and smacked her shoulder lightly.”Sorry” was her only reply to me.

     After the assembly was dismissed, I went into my class and after a while, the respective teacher for the period entered. And the lessons for that day started. At the fifth period, suddenly I saw a boy in a hurry and stopped just in front of our class. “I got a bad hunch about this”, I whispered to myself. I thought the boy whom I thought was a prefect was calling a mischievious student who had broken a school rule but from the looks on his face, it was far more serious matter.

    Little did I know, my name was called by the boy. I was perplexed since I knew I did not break any school or hostel rules. My friends did not call me “Miss Goody-two Shoes” for nothing. I was instructed to go to the school office immediately. He said it was something urgent. The bad feeling came to me again. I went to the office as told. There were an officer and my class teacher as soon as I walked in. She approached me and said “I am really sorry to tell you this, Akhmar but you have to know the truth of what happened. Your father was involved in a car accident this morning. He…. He died at the scene…” as soon as I heard those words, I felt my knees failed me and I collapsed to the ground. That moment my world shattered in pieces. Se were my hope and spirit. Tears flooded down my cheeks and my vision was blurred. I was in ultimate shock and disbelief. I could not stop wailing, crying and quivering. A few teachers and prefects escorted me to the hostel blocks where I noticed my mother and the two of my crazy bunch brothers crying.

        After that, I packed my luggage and went straight to the car. The tears did not stop even for one second. I put my luggage in the the back seat and seated beside my brothers.  I hugged them as tight and as close as I could. It must be rough for them because they were only four and five years old. As soon as I reached home, the grief did not stop. My eyes were puffy red and my cheeks were never dry because of the flowing tears. The feeling of losing your very own family  who had never failed to be by your side through thick and thin or bitter and sweet was really undescribeable. With all the courage we had left, we went to see him for the very last time. The atmosphere in the morgue was as sombre as it had always been.

     Then, on the evening of that tragic day, we witnessed his funeral and a pair of tombstones were hiked on his grave. People recite a few verses of the holy Quran as prayers so he may go in peace and under of Allah’s care. That was the time which I cried the most.  It was a really heart-rending moment to ever be forgotten. In my prayers soon after, my only wish to God was for his sheer happiness in heaven and for his past sins to be forgiven . Well, that was a true story which happened a few years back. The dark, sad and painful moment had already imprinted in our family’s history. The sad story of our life.

     Reality set in and I realised that time had really gone by. After breakfast, I tried to calm my mind with playing some video games and watching television. I got bored and felt really sleepy. Hence I decided to take a cat’s nap. What I dreamed was rather bizarre. In my dream, I saw a figure in black digging the earthen ground of a tombstone. In the grim silence, I stepped nearer for a better look. Sensing that my presence was not felt, I tapped his shoulder. “ Hey man, what are you doing?” I asked as curiosity overwhelmed me. That very moment, he looked up. To my surprise, he was a she. And she was ME. I simply couldn’t believe my eyes. How is it possible to have seen myself. Despite the wrinkled lines and grey hairs on the forehead, I saw the regrets and guilt in the sombre hazel eyes. No doubt it was me though the one crouching appeared to be the older version of me. Without uttering a word, she continued to dig up the earth with her hands- the hole was nowhere near big enough yet , but soon it will be.