“Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe. In. Out. In. Out.”  I followed the nurses’s orders as best as I could. The pain was unbearable, how could women go through this pain and keep going through it again and again. I have waited nine months for this moment. Nine months of worry and concern about this precious cargo inside me and finally it seemed I would get to meet the little person whose tender kicks caused a flutter of emotions.
“One more big push Sarah. Just one more, so we can meet this little one.” It took every bit of strength left inside me to push as hard as I could. As soon as I heard a faint cry I let out the breath I had not known I was holding.
“Welcome to the world little guy.” I hear the doctor say. As I stare up at the ceiling the white fluorescent light and white ceiling make it all even more surreal. I feel something warm and very much alive pressed against my arms. My child. My precious baby boy.
“Here is your son he is in perfect health.” the doctor says. I could not wait to see my child’s face after nine months of wonder.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the one of the happiest and scariest days of my life. On one side I was ecstatic and excited about finally being a mom. But on the other side I was afraid, afraid of being responsible for the life of another human being. Afraid about not being a good mom.
My husband could not be happier about the news and immediately began to contact our relatives to reveal the special news. I saw the pride in his eyes as he told them how we were now going to be a family. After three years of marriage it was a surprise that we had not conceived a child in these years. But I guess a child comes when it is the right time. At that moment with the warmth of our family and the love that radiated from our home I could not have been happier about my pregnancy. I was surprised at how quickly my belly was growing. As the days passed my clothes began to fit snugger to my body and soon enough I no longer fit into my clothes. My round belly peeking out from almost every shirt I wore.
My routine checkup and screenings would come out normal. There had been some inconsistencies in my blood test so I had to continue to have checkups more often than normal. On one appointment the look on my doctor’s face immediately caused a shrill of ice cold sweat to shoot straight down my spine. Good news was not on its way I could tell by the guarded expression on my doctor’s face, I prepared myself for the blow. Something must be terribly wrong. There was something wrong with my baby I could feel it.
“It seems that your blood work shows abnormal levels of PAPP-A and HCG.” Said the doctor but his words had no meaning to me. My confusion must have been stamped on my face because the doctor cleared his throat before continuing.
“This means that your child is at risk of having Down syndrome. Now you are not to be alarmed sometimes this does not mean that your child will have Down syndrome. However if there continues to be abnormal levels of PAPP-A and HCG you have the option of terminating your pregnancy. Since, you are still early in your trimester there is a lower risk if you terminate the pregnancy now before more time passes.” He continued to explain how it would be to a greater risk to my health if I waited more into the trimester and could have dangerous consequences. At this point though I was no longer in the cold plastic chair at the clinic but submerged in my own thoughts. What does this mean for my baby? Will my baby be at risk of many health risks? Heart failure? Will he be able to speak? Or Walk? Will he be able to go to school? Fall in love? All these questions and doubts bombarded my mind. I was nervous about being a mom for the first time but now I was flat out afraid. I did not know how to be a mom how would I care for him when I do not have the minimal idea on how to care for a baby much less a baby with special needs.
The green light took me by surprise as I drove down Imperial toward home. I still did not know what I was going to do. Was I really considering terminating my pregnancy? No I was not, the doctor had assured me that there was only a risk of my child having Down syndrome it was not a one hundred percent guarantee. There was a chance that the exams were not accurate enough, but then again how high of a risk was it?
How would I tell my husband about this, he always spoke about how our baby would grow up strong and healthy. As I pulled into the driveway I could not bring myself to tell him about the news. I knew that my sweet husband who has always been my best friend and my partner in crime would react with nothing but kindness and warmth. There was never any point in our marriage were I doubted our relationship, every day I was more sure that he was my strength. I liked to think of us as a bottle of wine, we got better with the passage of time.
The moment I knew he would be a great father was when I saw him with my two year old niece, Carlee. She always wanted to play dress up with who ever went to visit, running after all her uncles and aunts. Of course all the men in the family would not do so, but not Kevin he was more than willing to make this little girl happy. Kevin was happy to be her life size toy. Carlee could not contain her excitement at finally having one of the adults take part in her game. Her little legs jumping up and down with joy as she watched her creation come to life, her little brow would fur in concentration as she dressed up my poor husband with pinks and pastels. I remember looking at him and thinking how on earth I got so lucky to find a man like him. He caught my gaze and smiled that big dorky smile of his; at that moment there was no doubt in my mind that he would be the best father to our children.
I look up to see Kevin’s face before anything else. He had stood by my side from the moment we arrived at the hospital. He had only left my side to change into the medical scrubs given to him by the nurse and even then he left with such a reluctance. I thought he was going to remain by my side. He was back in a matter of minutes reaching for my hand like he always does when I need him. He holds my hand just the way he did that day when I told him about the circumstances in which our baby might arrive with. With one touch he can erase my fears and unease.
As I pulled into my driveway that day, my heart tightened at the thought of Kevin’s reaction. The knees shook lightly causing my swollen belly to tremble. The walk from the driveway to the step of the stairs could not have been longer, I knew Kevin was home he had an early shift today. I knew he would ask me about the doctor’s appointment and I would have no choice but to tell him. The moment he heard my shoes hit the tile he peeked his head from the kitchen with that adorable smile that got me to fall in love with him from that first day.
“How did the doctor’s appointment go?” the shine in his eyes showing no indication of the fear that my eyes now had.  Just from the look on my face he knew something had gone wrong. He reached for my hand giving it a firm yet gentle squeeze, his eyes imploring me to confide in him. The question was not whether I confided in him but if this piece of news had the power to break us.
“The doctor told me that I have a high risk of giving birth to a child with Down syndrome.” I watched his face searching for a reaction that would give me a clue as to what he thought about the information I had just given him. The first thing he did was hug me as tightly as he could, I braced myself for the worst case scenario which was if he would want me to terminate the pregnancy. I would understand him if that was what he saw as being the best decision. After all raising a child with special needs would not be easy. I knew if this were the case it would cause a great impact on our marriage.
“How much of a chance is there that this will be the case?” he asked me, brushing his fingers through his hair a habit I knew only came out when he was stressed or nervous.
“There is a chance, he could not assure me a hundred percent chance due to other cases where the blood work shows a high risk but then the child is normal.” This was exactly what the doctor had told me. The unknown had more to be feared than the known. I watched him take a deep breath all while never letting go of my hand.
“Well this baby is our baby and if he is meant to be born with special needs then so be it. We will be the best parents to our baby and will help and support him throughout every moment in his or her life.”  There was no going back after that we both knew that terminating my pregnancy was not a choice. We would have to be strong and be ready for both outcomes if our child was born normal we would be grateful and happy. If our baby was born with Down syndrome we would also be grateful and happy. The next months we spent enormous amounts of time informing ourselves about raising a child with Down syndrome. I no longer had that fear that I would not be able to be a mom to a child with Down syndrome. I knew it would be not be easy, my child may have a weak heart and severe mental retardation. My child could never be able to speak or walk. The thought that I would never hear my child call me Mommy or walk towards me with open arms brought me to tears every time I thought about it. But like always Kevin would ease my worries and make me think of other possibilities. For the last few weeks of my pregnancy I would imagine how our lives would be with our baby with or without Down syndrome. My child would be able to talk it might take him many years or only a couple of years but he would call me mommy one day. My child would take his or her few steps with me waiting a few feet away with my outstretched arms waiting to embrace him or her. My child would go to school and learn as much as possible. Every little moment that our baby has we will be there with nothing but love and support.
The exhaustion is extreme and my legs feel limp, just extensions of my body lying on the hospital bed. The warm little piece of life in my arms is so warm and soft, softly cooing calling out to me. As I glance down at my new born baby boy I feel Kevin’s hand squeeze mine but this time it is not to provide strength but to share the pride and joy of this moment. I stare straight into my baby boy’s eyes, his eyes open and filled with life.  His flat facial features accentuating his small nose. I kiss his upward slanted eyes.
“How is the little champ?” the doctor says as he moves toward the baby and me.
“He is perfect.”