“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” I believed this because my life and I had a love hate relationship. It wouldn’t give me something unless I inhaled courage in the air and took extra steps, sometimes it didn’t even accept the hundreds of steps I took for a gain. Perfectionism has always been a thing of mine, a rule of being. This, in particular, was the most perfect moment. The ceiling ornament dangled under the soft light. It was so pleasing, so tempting. I wondered why no one was looking for me, I knew, though. Nobody wanted to look for me. Nobody cared. Neither did I, of course. That’s why I was doing this. I thought I’d find something better through a knot.
If I did this, would life give me something better? I took a step, this would be one of the extras. Such an explosive end of a reel. If I hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t be where I am now. The reaper kindly looks over us, watching, listening. Waiting. He giggles at our thrusts, our extra steps. Not abusing his power. He finds amusement in it. I wonder what he thought of me. Maybe I was one of the boring ones.
I drew the necklace of braided fiber around my neck. It felt comfortable, for once. This time, no one would interrupt. No one would catch me; and if they did, they couldn’t do anything about it. I took another step into nothing, the final step. For a moment, I felt pain. Not very much of it. If it was pain I felt the whole time, I liked it. It’s a bad thing to enjoy, only twisted minds and gargled souls like it. I remembered, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” I believed this because I didn’t cry when I went. I just did.