James realized he was different from the rest of his classmates in 4th grade. All the boys always talked about girls they had a crush on, but James didn’t have a crush on any. He would always find himself thinking that the other boys were the cute ones. He didn’t tell anyone of course, that wasn’t the normal thing. He pushed the thoughts out of his head and pretended to have a crush on the girl that sat next to him in art class.
     In 7th grade, the thoughts came back to James. He had just gotten his first girlfriend. He found himself not wanting to hold her hand, and he rarely spoke to her. They lasted for about a week before James broke things off. He told his friends his mom didn’t want him to be dating, when in reality, he didn’t like girls. He’d rather be called a momma’s boy than gay.
     When 9th grade rolled around, James had become a completely different person. He stopped doing his work, he pushed all his friends away, and started smoking. He became very sad. He would hide in his room whenever he wasn’t at school, and his parents stopped trying to get him to come out. In 10th grade, he met Caspar.
     Caspar was a transfer student from Australia. He had curly brown hair, and he was very tall and lanky. While most students laughed at him for being different, James thought he was beautiful.
     Everyone knew Caspar was gay from day one. A guy from the football team asked if he had any girls back in Australia, and Caspar had told him that he wasn’t interested in girls. The information spread like wildfire, as it does in any high school, and Caspar was immediately rejected from nearly everyone. Grant High didn’t accept gay people easily, the student body saw it as some sort of disease.
     Caspar and James somehow became best friends. It was a funny way how their friendship started. James was hiding out in the bathroom, skipping gym class. “I don’t like gym either,” Caspar told him, “My legs are really pale and skinny, everyone tells me I look like a chicken running around.”
     The two boys made it a habit to meet in the same bathroom every day during 6th period. They spent the hour getting to know each other. James learned that Caspar could sing, and he was known around his hometown. James would occasionally light a cigarette, but Caspar never would.
     Caspar knew James was depressed. James never told him why, and Caspar never pushed. He would wait for James to tell him.
     “Caspar?” James asked one day as he lit up a cigarette, his red lips kissing the end before continuing, “What am I doing with my life?”
     “What do you mean?” Caspar replied, confusion clear in his voice.
     “I wasn’t always like this, you know. I had friends, I was a straight A student. I wouldn’t go near anyone who smoked. I’m failing all of my classes now, and I go through a pack of cigarettes within two days. What am I doing?”
     Caspar was silent. James could tell by his face that he was thinking; he knew Caspar better than the back of his hand. “James,” Caspar started, “is there a secret that you’ve been keeping? One that you haven’t even told yourself?”
     “No,” James said immediately, “there’s nothing.”
     “Yes there is.” Caspar stood from where he was sitting on the tiled floor. He walked to the mirror hung above the sink and stared at himself. “It took a while for me to admit it to myself, too.”
     James watched Caspar, just like he always did. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said as he took in another breath of smoke.
     “I know you do, James. Come here.”
     James followed Caspar’s instructions. The cigarette was thrown in the toilet, forgotten. James stood next to Caspar, staring at himself in the mirror. His hair was dyed lilac, and he had a barbell through his eyebrow. He had yellow circles around his eyes. He could barely recognize himself anymore. Compared to Caspar, James was a mess. “What now?” he asked.
     “Say it,” Caspar said.
     “Caspar, you’re confusing me.” James really wasn’t confused, he was just afraid. He didn’t want to admit what he’s known for so long.
     “We both know, James, don’t hurt yourself like this.” Caspar placed a hand on James’ shoulder. “It’s okay.”
     James took a deep breath. “If I say it, it makes it true. I don’t want it to be true.”
     Caspar patted James' shoulder. “You can do this, James.”
     James stared at himself in the mirror. He watched his lips move as he said, “I’m gay.”