I don’t talk to a lot of people, not even my own family, so I don’t know why I’m doing this. Is it to release anger? Release stress? Pain? No, it's none of those reasons. I’m doing this because I have to. I made a decision to, witch I’m not good at doing. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life that I wish I hadn't done, these decisions I wouldn’t tell anyone, unless someone I trust obviously. I’ll tell this one though, a decision that I made that shaped me the way I am now. A 17 year old junior in high school.

I was a freshman at the time; young, gullible and stupid. But I was able to keep my ground, not falling into the cliche freshman roll in high school. Probably because I didn’t fit the part of the typical freshman, the small, weak, scared, shy, little freshman. I was only 5’8, but already had a mustache, goatee, long arms and an athletic presence, which helped me get passed all the name calling or “your just a freshman” statements. It wasn’t  like I was trying to express how tough I am or threaten anyone, it was just the fact that if you wanna bully me we were gonna fight. Wasn’t anything I said, just a person I know named Michael, he was a Junior, short 17 years old and didn’t look strong enough to hurt even a child, but I respected him.. I didn’t take pride of what he said, I didn’t smile, I didn’t grin, I didn’t say, “Thanks”, I just said, “ok” and kept walking. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I figured out a while ago that most people thought the same about me as him. 
As good as it sounds, my decisions made my freshman year harder. I barely paid attention in class or studied and my grades reflected that, so when my mother found out I knew there was going to be trouble. My mother was very strict with grades and didn’t accept anything lower than a B, a C ment sitting at the table hours on end, a D meant we need to talk, and a F? I wouldn’t dare. She was talking to me about grades one day and said something that would always hunt me to this day.

“Come home with a F and I’ll f*** you up.”

I didn’t know what she meant by “f*** you up” because those are usually words you use before a fight and never in my life I would fight my mom. But the fact that a mom would say that to her child is shocking to some, but that was just how she showed her love. She wasn’t really affectionate, she would curse frequently when she was in any mood but knew when and not to. But would always wear makeup to hide who she really is in the inside, a cold unaffectionate women. Though the makeup would make her look like a bright, loving young woman. She shows her love time to time in unexpected moments, which gave life to her seemingly cold soul. Her smile was something to look at. For as long as I’ve known her, smiles don’t come as often as they should. But she would always flash this perfect hollywood smile and would nod when she was in conversations she didn’t wanna be in. When she smiled and nodded, I knew it was her saying, “WOW! I don’t give a s***.”

It was a Thursday when I had made that life changing decision, rainy and gloomy day it was, clouds covered the sky like a blanket, raindrops pelting my home with constant, Tap Tap Tap, lightning and his companion thunder make the effort to cause a ruckus shortly after it rains. Shortly after dinner, my mother calls me in the kitchen with a howl, jumping me awake from my deep slumber, even though it was around 8:30 pm at the time. As I came to stand in front of my mother, I looked in her eyes as a soldier looks at his lieutenant, tall firm and has the utmost respect. Her eyes were with rage. It seemed like red hot fireballs were in replacement of her eyeballs as they burn with a furing rage. It took awhile for her to say what happened through her stuttering rage, I could understand a little of what she said, “Teacher. . . Called . . . You . . . Failing?!!!!!!!!”

At this point I knew that I was in huge trouble. Things started running through my mind. Bad things. Things that a child shouldn’t think a parent would do. She did something unexpected. She, told me, “Sit-down and think, sit there all night and think. I've done the same thing and it changed me. If  you decide to go to bed, so be it.”

As I stand there still in shock that she didn't kill me at the spot, she just walks away causally like nothing happened, like I didn’t look like I was gonna die of fear. So I did as she said and sat on that chair all night. Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like years. Darkness would consume me so often that I had to keep the oven light on all night. During this experience I thought about my future, thought if I keep the getting bad grades then I would end off homeless and financially off. Thought that all of life's bullshit would come crashing down on me in the future. I thought a long while about that and it came crashing down on me like like a car wreck. It came to me that I needed to start doing better in my studies, start being diligent and work my homework when i get home, pay attention in class, Strive for A’s not settle for C’s. This stuck with me all night, me just sitting there thinking. I don't remember when, but my mom woke up, walking down to the hallway to the kitchen to pass me and say, “How are you?”

“Good.” I said, surprisingly she hugged me.

In the morning my view on life completely changed. Everything came to life. I started to strive for every possible way to get an A or B in all my classes, paying close attention in school and going deep in my studies. From then on things looked up for me in school and in life. My grades picked up and my drive and attitude towards school grew dramatically, all because my decision to stay and think of what my life is going to turn out changed me. It changed me for the better. This decision, one decision that shaped me to the way am now.