“It's all going to be ok” that's something my therapist loved to say to me. She would say it in a calming manner as a smile gleamed across her face as I poured my heart into the grey walls of her office. It was like my sanctuary.  I felt my leg shake as the reflection of the week sunk into the couch. “I don't know if I can do this anymore” my thoughts stopped. I paused in my conversation about the events of the week that seemed fresh out of a horror movie and just stopped as the thought of the end buzzed off the scribbling of the notepad. There was nothing but silence, which was something I feared. “Are you ok, Anna” I stumbled to find the right words. The feeling sat in my stomach, i closed my eyes for a moment as the pain hit me like a truck. “Yes, im fine” I said lying right through my teeth. “This seems like a good stopping point’’ she said with a tone of concern hidden by joy. ``I'll see you next week and remember to keep writing in your journal when you feel something ''ok i will, thank you” i got up and walked out of the room, my heart was pounding. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I felt numb. “Wake up, just wake up” my request was denied by the voices of my self conscious. I was officially in fighter flight mode.  I focused on my feet as i tried to train myself to breathe again. It was like my body was shutting down. I fought the feeling to cry and went about my day the best I could. My boulevard of broken dreams I had going on in my mind continued as I drove home. I remembered the voice of my therapist about my journal so I picked it up and flipped to a clean page. It was like I had been flipping forever, each page with a new pain or feeling. The ones not about my subconscious were about the people I had gone to school with, and at this point I couldn't tell what was worse. Today, however was a little different. 

    October 21st 2021, ‘’He texted me today. My heart pounded through my chest, similar to a sense of utter panic, but warmer. I don't know how a person would ever want to talk to me. I hate myself, and every day it gets worse and worse. Nobody will ever fully understand the hatred I face with my mind. I can't do this, I just can’t. How could someone like him ever want to talk to me. I Am unlovable, how can someone love another person when that other person, wants to be dead’’   I stopped writing. My tears quickly began to seep into the words on the page. I am worthless. The voice in my mind took over as I heard my phone buzz. “Hey, how was your day? It was him. It was like it had been fate. My mind instantly paused in its track of self hatred as the glow of my phone shined on my tears. “Good how was yours.” My hand shakes as I pressed send.i was lying but i couldn’t bear to bear to bring him into my life. What was I supposed to say? ‘’I have been called every single name I could possibly think of by my classmates and I contemplated taking my own life, but hey you should totally fall in love with me.’’  I closed my eyes as the thoughts of him flooded my head, and fell asleep.

The next morning I was woken to the buzz of my phone. It was not the alarm clock however, it was him. It was unfamiliar to me to wake up happy. It was unfamiliar to me to feel any sort of happiness at all. My day usually consisted of an alarm clock wakening and the immediate reminder of all the hell I would have to face that school day. This morning was different and I enjoyed the feeling regardless if it was going to last or not. The conversation consisted of small talk. It was sweet and almost seemed to pause the mess of my mind. “I want to go out with you, like a date. I really like you.’’ Reality hit again. What do I say? I want this, maybe I need it but how much longer will I be there? How could anybody love me? I am not beautiful, I know that. Not on the outside and today the insides don’t even fully seem to matter? So why would he want me? There are seven billion people on this planet, so why me?  I knew I liked him though, and if he liked me I would have had to act on it. I hated myself, but maybe this was my chance. I stared at the message on my screen, “yes, I would love too.” I felt a sense of relief as I got ready for school. Which was something I needed, it seemed the voices in my head had stopped for a moment, Although I knew it would not last.

    November 3rd, 2021. “We had our date last night and honestly it was perfect. He looked at me like he thinks I am beautiful, like he actually sees something in me that I cannot see in myself. He is perfect. We have so much in common, it is like I have known him my whole life. I told him things I have never told anyone before. It was like for just one night i was living in a dream, I could just be myself without any repercussions. For the first time in awhile, I smiled, I was happy. I could have talked to him for hours I just felt myself slipping into a daze of just normality and happiness. For the first time in a while i wasn’t alone. I wasn't so caught up in the voices in my mind persistent on death, or the things that girls had said to me that day, I was focused on him. I was focused on me. I was focused on us. It was a foreign feeling but for just one night I welcomed the feeling. It was pure and I have been longing for this happiness for a very long time. I loved it, and I think i was starting to love him...’’ 

Everything had been going really well. In therapy I have always told a support system can go a long way and maybe they were right. Maybe all I needed was a little bit of support. Just someone who understood me well enough to listen. Maybe I just needed one person in my life to care. The voice seemed to get quieter. Like it went from a sound that could fill a stadium to now just enough to fill a small room.  The names I was called, the things they did, how much I hated myself seemed to get a little better, though all good things must come to an end. And sadly this was an ending I had always feared.

November 8th. 3:00 am

I woke up in a sense of panic. I no longer had control over my own body. It was like I no longer existed. The tears poured off the side of my face, they wouldn't stop. I can’t do this anymore. I cant keep fighting it. I’m done. I felt every inch of my sanity slip away as the thoughts took over. My body shook. I rocked back and forth as I thought and hoped for the end. It was all I wanted. I was no longer myself. I no longer knew how to breathe, I could not speak, i couldn’t swallow. The first things I learned at birth were the first things to start to fade away. I was gone.

“Hi my name is Anna Rose Miller, I am seventeen years old and this is my goodbye. I am so sorry. This is no ones fault except my own. The truth is I have been struggling for a while. I hate myself. I am worthless. But you are not. Please do not be sad when I am gone. I made my choice. To my family and friends, Thank you for supporting me through it all. I’m sorry I did not let you in more. I love you mom, same goes for you dad, even though you are not always around. Be there for each other when i'm gone. Feed the dog and do something nice for someone every chance you get. Do not be mean to anyone because you have no idea what they might be going through, and please always reach out for help when you need it. Do not let yourselves end up like me, please im begging you. You do not want to  feel the way I do. Life without me might be hard but it will be better this way. You will not have to see your baby in pain anymore. I will not have to fight anymore. I will be free. I will always watch over you, Im sorry. I love you more then you both will ever know. Thank you for all the memories as a child, good and bad. You are good people and amazing parents. I am so sorry. Goodbye mom and dad.

 To the boy I love. Thank you for the best moments of my life. You were my light when I didn't have my own and I just wish I had let it shine brighter on me. Just know I was not always this bad. I was happy. I smiled every day, and danced up and down the isles of super markets and was the light of the party. I was bright, so thank you for liking me, even when I was dull. You will forever be considered the best memory to me. Do not be afraid to fall in love again and never change yourself for someone else. You were good and I did not deserve you. I love you, always remember that you will always have my heart. Forever and always, even when I am gone. I just wish I could have given you a longer forever, one with smiles and laughs and dances around the isles of the supermarket. Maybe in another life. I love you, Anna.

It was like everything in my body had stopped. I was so broken, I could not do another day filled with hate and pain and misery. I was ready to go but all of a sudden I heard a buzz. In therapy they always say crisis can be stopped in one movement, for example a sound or a phone call. Another thing they seemed to be right about. It was him. I picked up my phone. “Hey, I know you're probably asleep but I just wanted you to know that I love you Anna, I love you with all my heart.”   I called him and told him everything. From the thoughts, to the note, to the feeling of my body shutting down and he just listened. We talked all night . “I love you too” I had the courage to finally blurt out, but I need help. I took the advice of my own subconscious and reached out for help. Weekly therapy went to twice weekly therapy and that was okay, because I was recovering. I was getting stronger and stronger every single day. Life without mental illness did not exist in my life. It would always be my greatest weakness but with a lot of therapy, a lot of support and the love of my life I realized it could also be my greatest strength. November 8th was the worst night of my life. But I got through it. It didn’t matter to me what the girls had said to me anymore, that stadium of thoughts in my mind was getting smaller and smaller, and there was a new voice. She was a quiet voice, but she was the voice of self love. I slowly started to love myself. It all got better with time and for the first time in a while, I was excited about my future. 

    February 3rd, 2032.

Did things ever get better for me? Well I am currently married to the love of my life, whos been the love of my life since I was seventeen years old. He is my everything. My twice a week therapy appointments in the place that was once a place that felt like home was now a once every few weeks or so. I love myself, all parts of me including the parts that almost cost me my life. In my opinion I had to learn to love the darkest parts of me before I could love anything else. My career revolves around two things: helping others who need it, and writing about it. I love what my life turned out to be. November 8th, 2021 was the worst night of my life. It was my breaking point but it was also my realization. I had hit rock bottom, which meant there was only one way to go, and that was up. It will get better, that is something I can promise. Even when it seems impossible. I kissed the love of my life, sat down at my desk and smiled as I glanced at his last name next to mine. I started writing.

“forever and always”. By Anna Rose Smith”

Chapter 1

“It’s all going to be okay’’, that's something my therapist loved to say to me..