I shifted my body and attempted to settle into the hay, but relaxing completely was impossible. Not with him looking at me. “Mighty nice of your pa to shelter me for the night.” I offered up as conversation, trying to be polite. He simply took a swig from his bottle and nodded, his dark eyes lingering just long enough on my legs to be noticed. I adjusted them nervously once again, sending up specks of dust to shimmer in the light of the single lantern filling the barn. I watched the air shimmer and listened to the crickets out in the fields. The silence between us stretched like an old rubber band. I slipped suspenders off my shoulders for something to do. They were old and worn out, not doing much anyway. They were part of the only outfit I own. The boy leaned in a bit, eyes scanning every inch of my body. It was like he wanted me to keep going with the removal of my clothes. I internally berated myself. What are you thinking? Why would he want that? I stared down at my feet and tried to get my breathing under control for a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. Was he still watching me?
When I looked back up he was holding his bottle out to me. After a moment of deliberation, I decided I didn't want to be rude. I took the glass from his hands, accidentally brushing my fingers against his. My breath caught in my throat. My hand shook a little and I heard the liquid slosh around inside. His large hands were rough and calloused. A hardworking boy on his father’s farm. Toned by years of digging and molded by the shape of tools. Oh god, I hope he doesn’t see how nervous I am. I quickly put the bottle to my lips, tipping back my head. As the liquid slipped into my throat, it began to burn. Keep your face usual. Don't give yourself away. I attempted to swallow the vile, fiery drink, but I choked. To my humiliation, I spit it out all over my lap. I felt my face flush. The heat spread across my cheeks and the tips of my ears. I hung my head, angrily wiping my lips with the back of my hand. My eyes widened as I heard a deep, throaty laugh bloom above me.
“Too fragile to hold your liquor, hmm?” his voice was just as deep as his laugh. It reminded me of the babbling of a creek. One full of big, round stones and pebbles, but his voice was rougher and richer—a stream composed of unrefined, liquid gold. I blushed harder and tucked my head down more. I wished I could disappear. I silently begged the hay to simply open up and cocoon me away with my shame. He squatted down to my level as I peered up through my lashes. He had the dopiest grin plastered across his whole face. My laugh went out to join his as I flopped over in the hay. I couldn’t help it. Something about the way he looked at me made me feel better. Like my awkwardness and embarrassment were somehow endearing. He turned something about myself I usually hate into a likable trait. I tried to stifle my giggles by burrowing my head deeper into the hay. Oh, sweet lord, this man is from heaven. How could a boy who spends his days working the fields, covered in dirt, sweat, and sun, with a silly smile on his face, look so beautiful?
I wanted to see his face again. I needed to. I anxiously twisted my head to peek back out of the hay. I felt like a groundhog anxiously checking outside its burrow for summer. And summer I found.
His sweaty skin slightly shimmered in the moonlight pouring from the window behind me. He didn't have the body of someone who only worked out for aesthetics. But someone with skill, endurance, and build. The way his muscles rippled under his skin rendered me speechless. I watched his chest rise and fall with each breath he pulled into his lungs. His hair was messy and brown but shiny in the light of the moon. I longed to run my fingers through it, feel the silkiness, unravel the tangles, and have him close to me. At first, his beauty made my knees weak and my arms feel like jelly. But the longer I looked, the harder it was to stay still. As the seconds ticked by, more and more of my focus had to be directed towards keeping myself rooted in place. I didn’t want to do something I’d regret. THIS BOY ISN'T GAY LIKE YOU. I practically screamed out loud, desperately trying to convince myself what I’m thinking is a horrible idea. I clenched my jaw and balled my hands up into tight little fists. He’d hate you if you lost control. Turn you out, back on the road. YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM.
He cocked his head slightly at me. Small lines formed between his brows. “Is something wrong?” I must have looked as frustrated as I felt. “Hay too itchy for you, pretty boy?” he didn't say it like an insult. He spoke it like fact. Did he really just say that? His head tilted more, and that heartstopping smile easily slid back onto his face.
Something inside me broke. My limbs scrambled around in the hay, and I somehow found myself standing upright. My legs shook. The boy only continued to smile. Without hesitation, I began the few steps to close the distance between us. Rational thinking is out the window. There is one thought in my mind. I need you to be mine. The inches between us were knocked off one by one, my heartbeat increasing exponentially within a second. My heart felt like it was about to slip out of my ribcage. I resisted the urge to press my hands to my chest to ensure it remained inside.
My body slammed into his with much more force than I intended, but his stance was firm and his foundation strong. His warmth radiated through his clothes, spreading across my skin. My lungs heaved a sigh of relief, and my muscles unwound as his heat permeated my soul, although I knew it would only last a second. I braced myself for the agony I'd feel as he was about to pull away from me. His gorgeous smile replaced with a scowl of disdain. He’d look at me like the horrible creature I’ve revealed myself to be. I don't think I will be able to bear it.
He didn't move. As the seconds painfully dragged out, I stood there savoring every second. But this sweet moment was slowly being infected by sour shame. What are you doing? Who do you think you are? HE DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS. I staggered back. His absence left my body colder than I ever could have imagined. I dropped to my knees. My shins roughly collided with the hard floor. The apologies started tumbling out of my mouth without supervision. I was too desperate to monitor my words. “I- I’m so sorry. Oh god, please forgive me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was just looking at you, and I don't know just, just, just something came over me. I’ve tried to be attracted to girls. God knows I have, but I JUST CAN’T. But, but, but that's no excuse. I’m so sorry I-”
He leaned over me and stretched out an arm. I snapped my mouth shut and tightly closed my eyes, bracing myself for the slap I was about to receive but undoubtedly deserved. Instead of a sharp smack across my face, I felt a welcoming pressure settle on my head. He gave me a gentle pat, like someone attempting to console a child, but not exactly sure how. “Hey, look at me,” I was too dazed to question and simply looked up. His face harbored no hostility towards me; he only seemed concerned. “It’s okay. Your feelings are okay,” His words melted my worry like butter. Nobody has ever told me that before. I felt my eyes well up. The relief, guilt, and blame lifted off of me in a second.
He reached down and wrapped both his large hands around my upper arms. With a pull that seemed to take no effort on his part, I was lifted and set back on my feet. With a sharp breath, I realized how close our faces were to each other. His dark blue eyes stared into mine as I glanced down at his lips.
He took my face into his hands, my cheeks in his palms, and his fingers tangled in my hair. It felt like they belonged there. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and leaned in. He tilted his head down slightly towards me and pulled my face in to meet his.
His lips were soft and warm. He kissed me softly, tentatively, like he was afraid to hurt me. My heart shuddered in my chest with each subtle movement of his lips. My arms shook as I grabbed his waist and pulled my body against his, trying to leave as little room as possible between us. There's no way this is happening. I ran my hands over his clothes, feeling the warmth of his skin to try and convince myself this was all real.
He pulled away and smiled down at me. I immediately attempted to kiss him again. I felt empty without him; his absence created a deep hunger in my very being. I needed more, but he held me back. “Now, slow down… We've got all night."