So Happy I Could Die | Teen Ink

So Happy I Could Die

February 24, 2010
By jatz318 SILVER, East Brunswick, New Jersey
jatz318 SILVER, East Brunswick, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 24 comments

"I love that lavender blonde. The way she moves, the way she walks."

The beat bounces through my eardrums and creates a hollow feeling in my head which echoes to my heart. This song makes me think of you, how you smell when you're pressed against me and you whisper in my ear. I love it when you talk dirty and when you lean your soft head against my shoulder, you make me feel so big. Funny how manly and awkward I feel around your slippery grace, because last time I checked you were taller than me, though not by much.
I met you on my first day here, I saw you sitting on a table with your slender legs swinging off of the edge, perfectly displayed by your navy skirt and I was in shock as my eyes found your tiny waist. You have no idea how thin you are and how small you are in my arms, which can encircle your stomach easily. All I know is that I had to become your friend, I couldn't resist. You had a boyfriend then and I repaired that relationship so many times for you. Now you have a new boy, who I fixed you up with. He adores you, its that simple, but then again, I'm in love with you.
I'm so horribly in love with every bit of you, I appreciate you more than any guy you've ever dated, I swear it. Your eyes are the softest shade of chocolate silk and when I look into them I feel like I'm laying on a bed of velvet. Your smooth hands are barely larger than mine and our fingers interlock so easily, I yearn for those rare moments where you grab my hand and take off running, towing me along. When I complain that I don't want to run, I really mean I hope you never let go of me. Its when you come close that I go crazy though, I'm not sure how nobody has noticed. Your scent is the sweetest ambrosia to me, better than the nectar of the gods. I breathe you in like oxygen itself, your perfume is the sweetest drug, the purest addiction.

"Be your best friend
Yeah I'll love you forever"

You touch me so innocently, while I divulge in stroking every part of you I can get away with, just often enough to satisfy myself, but not enough for you to notice the odd pleasure I take in contact with you. Your fingers tap lightly on my stomach or hipbone in passing. It takes all those years of practicing not to react to the intensity that spreads through my body when anybody touches me and then an extraordinary amount of willpower to not tug on your wrist until our bodies have no breathing room between them. I honestly didn't know I could handle myself so well, then again I'm in love with my best friend. Though I would call me your best friend more than I'd call you mine. Friends, I have plenty of. I'm not really looking for friendship, I'm looking for an identity change to occur in you, one that is impossible.
I listen to you when you're hurt. I spend hours on the phone with you, just so I can hear the sound of your flute-like voice flutter directly into my ear. Everybody wonders why I waste my time with our friendship, when it's obvious that all we talk about is you and your nonexistent problems, not to be mean but you have it all, sometimes I wish you'd stop complaining. Though if you stopped complaining, would there be a purpose for me in your life anymore? I think I'll pretend there would be. That way, when I fix another boy dilemma or listen with sympathy as you rant on about your frantic mother and you respond with a gratitude filled, "I love you," I can take a breath before answering appropriately. "I love you too," must not be filled with breathlessness or any sort of stutter, I don't want to give away my carefully camouflaged secret.
Still, I'm the one with the key to your emotions and an excuse to play with your hair whenever I want to. I'm the one who can tell you how I feel cautiously enough that you don't understand that I'm not joking around. I'm the one with the ability of calming you down, making you see rationally, and smiling through your tears. I'm the one who can't stand to see you cry because it makes me want to hold you and kiss you until you laugh again. Of course, I could never kiss you. That would blow my cover and you don't roll this way at all. No matter how much I crave you, I am only given pure friendship, but it's worth it, I promise. I am lucky for whatever it is you have decided to grant me, and all I can do is love you quietly and be your friend. After all, your mere presence brightens my day beyond belief. Your scent lifts my spirits and your smile is beautifully infectious. I adore you. So as Lady Gaga says,

"So happy I could die
And it's alright"

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