I sat down shaky in my office chair, to communicate with him in the only way I could. I rummaged in a drawer, sulking through a fog of tears I created throughout the months, searching for a pen. I found one, blue and green striped, it looked happy, and it mocked me. I would have chucked it at the wall or attempted to break it in half if it weren’t the only pen I had, and I didn’t have a burning need to get this over with.

I stuck pen to paper and began to write. The word “Dear” was written by an uneven hand and was the only word I accomplished. It was the only visible word on the paper when I had a thousand. The first word he would read before I broke his heart. I continued slowly, holding back the burning sensation of tears in my eyes, but even the strongest person wouldn’t have been strong enough to hold its stream. They soaked through the paper and smeared the ink. I hope he can still be able to read this, I hoped.


Dear Justin,
This letter is written with shaky hands from a breaking heart. I can’t stand this pain I am put through every year you are gone. I feel alone when you are gone; my world is a never ending ghost town without you. I feel lonely and depressed waiting for you, in the hopes you come back alive.

I understand that this was your dream and mine was to be with you happily, but I am not happy anymore. I feel sad and scared and worried and unloved. This is not my dream.

I have made a decision though; one that I hope will benefit us both and do us good, one that will end our pain, or mine at least. I don’t want to suffer more if you die. I suffer enough right this very moment. I don’t think my heart can handle another loss.

So I dearly say, with all my heart, I cannot marry you. Please, take me out of your mind, out of your life. So maybe pain won’t linger in our emotions. So maybe I can live a better dream.

I truly say this for the best. I will be gone if you come back, but I still want you to know I loved you and always will. I need to move on and so do you.

Love Always,
Julie



The words she wrote sounded like her voice, making the shock of pain more unbearable. She said that nothing would tear us apart. She said yes to marry me. She said the pain was worth it.

I now don’t know whether my dream of the army is worth it anymore. I believed everything she said, but I guess I always knew there was more under the surface.


I silently cried myself to sleep that night, clutching her letter in my hand. Trying to feel her touch and smell her sent, of the little that was left. I saw the moons reflection through the weak parts of the paper that her tears were on. I then realized she was more important to me than war, more important than I am for myself. I will make it home alive, and no matter what her words, I will find her.