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A new hope
How fast time flies, i barely saw it pass me by.
There's the first time i saw you then there's the first time i really SAW you. That Monday you decided to wear those fitting jeans that got everybody staring, including me. i saw you before, i knew your name, I'd only glance at you. But that day, the day you wore the jeans that made you stand out among the crowd, i looked at you in a new light. A glance became a stare as you went off to laugh with your friends, our eyes met for a second. That Monday i smiled a little to myself thinking that you weren't so bad.
Later on, those jeans became worn and faded and we joked about it together.
i didn't see you again until about a week or 2 later, when we sat next to each other in detention. I'd gotten detention for being seriously late, and i cursed silently to myself when i was handed the slip. But when i saw you strut in and take the empty seat next to mine in the back casually, i felt the curses shatter. Shyly, i let my gaze wander off to you, once, twice. Then you talked to me: "This is total and utter bulls***" i nodded, not knowing what to say. Your voice sounded casual, hard and soft all at once, and a voice you wouldn't mind hearing often. I'd heard it before, but not like this. The teacher gave you a look. "So what if she gives me more detention?" you said in reaction. i finally get up the nerve to say "Why're you in here?"
And you answered "Some teach found me a little too close to a girl in the middle of class. That was 1 point against me. Then after class, the girl's jealous boyfriend got into a fight with me. He would've came in too if not absent today. i think he's absent cause of me. i gave in some pretty strong punches"
i felt my sweet greeting smile turn into sour disgust. You started laughing and i felt my cheeks flare up as i realized you were joking and i fell for it. "What's the real reason?" i pushed. And you: "that may remain confidential. How about you? You don't seem like a detention kind of girl" and my comeback was "If you don't tell me i don't tell you" And in sullen silence i didn't look at you the rest of detention.
And the whole time i was wondering what you meant by I'm not a "detention kind of girl"
That Friday my close friend threw a party and i came. We were walking in the hallway, drinks in hand when we stopped and my friend mentioned "hey did you meet my friend?" she tapped the shoulder of a guy with his back to us and he turned around and i recognized you. In response you said "yes i believe we met. In detention" you add a smile that's so pretty on your face but it's the mention of detention that had made my cheeks on the verge of another flare-up. i mutter "yeah". My friend looks at both of us before saying "Ok, awkward". Later with all of my friends she asked "So what's going on between you and --- you guys acted totally weird around each other". Another friend said maybe i like him. i limply shook my head. A 3rd friend had said "he's so not my type. But he IS getting hotter these days". At the time i didn't know why that comment bugged me.
Later in the party, the host/my best friend had shouted "IT'S SPIN THE BOTTLE TIME!! EVERYONE IN A CIRCLE!!" i decided not to play. i hung out in a dark corner, talking to a guy friend from my home room. We talked for a while and i glanced at the game to see you wildly spinning the bottle. i quickly looked away and continued the conversation. i heard a sudden silence. Ignoring it, but noticing the tension, i kept talking, until the guy friend abruptly stopped talking. i looked and saw that in the game, the bottle you spun landed in between my best friend and another guy------and was pointing right to my feet, i saw as i looked down. Everyone was waiting for me to come into your willing arms for a kiss; you were too. Speechless, in having the spotlight on me, i left the party that very minute.
And all the while wondering how that kiss might've felt like.
The next day at school you were waiting for me in the front, wearing that pair of jeans from that one Monday. i asked you why you were waiting for me. You said "You left your precious bracelet at the party" and placed the gold charm bracelet into my palm. i was about to leave after that, if your little comment hadn't caught me: "oh and by the way, I'd never seen someone who detested the idea of kissing me so much she'd leave a party"
i couldn't let that one slip by, oh no. i replied "i didn't detest the idea of kissing you. But the situation was inappropriate"
"And a simple no couldn't do? If you don't detest the idea then kiss me right now, to make up for my bottle landing on you and the kiss you ran away from"
That preposition REALLY caught me off guard. Were you serious? Did you just say that? A look into your eyes told me yes. Speechless, and unable to reply, i somehow managed "Well you'll still be just the guy from my English class" and you "and you'll still be one of the most stubborn girls I ever met. We don't know much about each other beyond that. But they say that how nice a kiss is can tell a lot about a person" As you said that, we had gotten so close that i was right up to your eyes and our lips were centimeters apart. And out of my will, they met.
i was shocked at how your lips scarred mine and left behind a sensation that left me craving for more then just a one second kiss.
2 months later our friends had complimented "It seems like you 2 have been dating forever" i smiled and took your hand and said "ever since we first kissed, i knew that i loved it and that i had to feel another kiss from him again. So i asked him on a date. And i guess i had a spark of feeling for him too, but i didn't know it" and you had said "Yeah i knew she couldn't resist my charm. i was reeling her in and she finally came. i just played around with her a little bit and now i got myself a girlfriend" A girl laughed. My smile wavering, i felt a bit uncomfortable, and i let go of your hand. Later we talked about it. "Excuse me, but you REELED ME IN?? What the h*** is that supposed to mean?!" i had demanded. And you: "Oh well SOR-RY if I'm the guy you 'guess you had feelings for' and if our story is suddenly a sappy love story from a cheesy romantic movie. 'i loved our kiss and just had to feel it again' I'm not a sappy guy. Deal with it" Frustrated and shocked, i started to leave when you grabbed my arm and said "come on, i didn't mean it like that----"
"Don't touch me!" i had snapped uncontrollably. the words sputtered from my mouth, breakers i couldn't control "So our kiss meant nothing to you? i was just your leading lady who just couldn't resist you? A girl you could just pluck off and play around with?" hurt was clear in my voice that day.
"Look, i didn't mean to be such a jerk. i loved our kiss. i got feelings for you. i just-----i don't want people to get the wrong idea-----just forget it, i might say something i regret" With that said, you came up and planted a soft kiss on my lips, earning my genuine forgiveness. i gulped down tears. "It's ok. Just make sure we don't have fights like these again, ok?" i had whispered.
And that's when you said the words i never forgot: "You can't predict relationships. The joy of a couple can be shiny, nice, perfect. It's out there for all to see. But what's behind it? Is there doom for their love in the time when things go wrong, or is there a new hope, when all is in destruction. A new hope for everything to become better again"
i wondered if you had a special method to make me love you.
And oh how you made me shine. If anything ever grew dark, then we'd shine even brighter then before. We shone maybe even brighter then the other couples in school. i never grew tired of the times when we kissed, my hands on your arms, your arms around me. It felt like the perfect fairytale fantasy. My smile shone brighter then the sun, and i shone for you. It became that people weren't used to not seeing us together. We were the 'most likely to get married' highschool couple, or so we were named. You understood me, i understood you. Our bond was something very special to me. You quit the rude tough-heartbreaker act and i opened up, finally. And that change made everything shine brighter. i loved it.
Then came high school graduation.
On the day of caps and gowns and diplomas, i refused to look at you. My eyes begged to see your face, but my mind wouldn't let them. All of our moments of darkness caused by talks of collage have all led to this. i could still remember you saying "So what? People move on with their lives. You were my highschool girlfriend" You had no idea how hurtful hearing that was, and my shaky voice replying "NO. i was and am your girlfriend, our relationship of which bloomed IN highschool" but i still knew what you were saying. And now you were going to collage in Pennsylvania and i was going to collage in New York. It's so unfair how easy it is to say hello and how hard it is to say goodbye. It didn't have to be goodbye. But you turned it that way, ignoring all of my suggestions of going to the same collage. You were just too easygoing about us and i loved us and thought that us shouldn't break up and thinking why you were so easygoing on us breaking apart. i held back the burning tears in my eyes as my name was called up. i almost didn't hear my name.
Months later we're both in collage and we drifted our separate ways. i found a new guy and he treated me well. But he wasn't you. i saw you again. By coincidence our paths crossed again. We said proper greetings, casual comments like "oh, you look nice today" and whatnot. Then there was an awkward pause before i burst: "We hadn't seen each other in such a long time!! You didn't call me, email, text, ANYTHING!! You just left me hurt and abandoned!! And i never did appreciate it. I STILL DON'T"
And you replied easygoing still: "No, no you got it all wrong. i didn't leave us. You left us. You never came to see me. We were never broken up, you just never visited, talked to me, nothing"
i didn't know what to say to that.
i felt you coming closer, stinging me with the memory of our first kiss. And you saying "I'm still open to kissing you, the same kisses i know you love so much. Unless you've already got somebody else"
"No" i had answered. "I'm a professional. i know how to move on. We're not in high school anymore, everything can't be solved with a kiss. Let's act like the adults we are, shall we?"
You stepped back, hands up in agreement and surrender saying "ok" and about to turn around.
And before i could control myself, i had spurted "oh, f***!!" and grabbed your arm in reflex, pulled you close, wrapped my arms around your neck and enveloped myself in our kiss.
You made no protest.
And soon enough you were in my bed, stroking my hair, and i snuggled into your comfort, and fell into a blissful sleep. The next day i broke up with the sweet new guy who treated me well. Because now i had you.
Much, MUCH later i went home, and found you on the couch looking over our bills. "Afternoon sweetheart" you mumbled with no life to the greeting. You didn't even look up. That day, something in me wanted more then a lifeless greeting. i walked over and asked "How was your day?" and you answered "Fine. As always. And you?"
In a low voice i answered "Today i heard taxes are being raised" You nodded, still not looking up. Something didn't feel right. We'd been living together for about 2 years or maybe even more, and this is how life became. i wouldn't have it today. i had asked "Let's go to the movies, a bar, anywhere you wanna go. How does Saturday sound?"
You finally look up, twinkling eyes and a frown that replied "We're not little kids anymore. i have work"
Unsatisfied, i had stated "don't you notice life is changing? The excitement of our relationship has died. Most days are just work and bills, work and bills. i saw you checking out your co-worker"
You didn't argue against that one bit i spewed. Instead you had to say "i lost the liveliness in me. This is what happens when people don't move on. They become stuck, like us. i don't want this anymore, being honest with you. Our relationship doesn't have any meaning to it anymore. I've been packing my bags, thinking about this for a long time and...........i think you should keep the apartment. I'm out"
Shocked, i yelped "That's it?! Your leaving me just like that?! How could you?! Please, just give us a chance........"
"Too late. 'us' has already faded to 'you' and 'me' and work and bills. Now I'm just acknowledging it"
"NOO!! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME AND HURT ME AGAIN WHEN YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU" my words startled you and caused you to look up and take me in. Your eyes sparkled, a soft side in you emerged. i saw a piece of the young you when there was an 'us' a you i thought I'd never see again. i was trembling that night. From your lips came a barely audible whisper, one i had waited for years to hear: "i love you too" It was the sweetest moment i had waited for, for so long. But you screwed up the fairytale as soon as you stepped out the door, even after.
And now we've reached the last time i saw you. It had been months later at a convention we'd both talked about going to. And now we had. i spotted you in the crowd. You shone under the limelight that kissed your every beauty for all to see. You probably had another girl under your wing. I'd probably fall under your spell, AGAIN. You smiled at me and i returned the favor, things were friendly between us, maybe about to turn into more. All the same. But something changed when i saw your beautiful shining face that one shining night.
The difference was that on that night i saw a new hope under all that shine.