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A Letter to my Sister's Future Boyfriend

July 20, 2011
By CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
More by this author
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

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Greetings!


For dating my dear little sister, you must be either a very special man or a complete creep who wants to take advantage of her. If you are her first boyfriend, then I suspect it is the latter. All you have to do to disprove my theory is visit our family! If my sister has conned you into deciding to meet us, then you are either very brave or very stupid. Again, I suspect it is the latter.


Anyway, I guess you should know what to expect.


As soon as your vehicle pulls into our driveway, you will be watched. If you are even mildly aware of your surroundings, you will see three short, dark-skinned men in military gear. These are three of the seasonal Filipino workers we employ on our apiary. One of them will be armed with a pellet gun and another will be armed with my dad’s bear hunting rifle. The last one doesn’t need a gun; he’s a bull wrestler. While these three men are dangerous, they aren’t the ones you need to worry about.


At our front door you will be greeted by dad and his double-barrel shotgun. One barrel is filled with rock salt and bacon rind while the other has an actual shell. This is a warning as to what will happen if you break her heart. Still, dad is not the one you should be the most afraid of.


No, the person you should fear most is my mother. She has the aura of a military general and the ruthless streak of a Mafia boss. It is a rare young man that is not intimidated by her. Personally, I don’t think you are one of these rare men.


But if you love my little sister despite her psychotic family, you do indeed deserve her love. If you stick around long enough to marry her, then maybe I can accept you as my brother-in-law. Maybe.

© Kimber E., Yorktown, VA

The author's comments:
This is from my own point-of-view, but it is a fictional letter. Then again, this could happen in real life if my little sister brings a boyfriend home!

Please leave a comment and tell me what you think!
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This article has 238 comments.

Mystiecub said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 9:55 am
lol well you're a great writer :D Seriously I had a hard time choosing the winners, but still :P I saw a lot of familiar screen names too...
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 9:35 am
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
This is exactly what my dad would threaten any future boyfriend with! :)  I still can't believe I won your contest.
Mystiecub said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 9:34 am
When you posted this in my contest, I said it all :P I lol'd the whole way through. This is something my dad would threaten my bf with LOL
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 9:27 am
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Yeah, I do.  Even though she annoys me like crazy.  That's what family's for, right? :)
writergirl_15 said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 8:23 am
LOL :)It's nice you love your sister so much ;)
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 12:23 am
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Thank you! :)  I don't know how I come up with ideas like this.  Maybe it's because my work involves very little brainpower and because of that my mind wanders...Ooh, a squirrel! ;)
Healing_Angel SILVER said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 12:18 am
Healing_Angel SILVER, Sydney, Other
8 articles 2 photos 509 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live for today, not for tomorrow

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HILARIOUS!! Love it! :D How do you come up with these ideas? 
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 10:54 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Thank you! :)
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 10:53 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
If I give him the letter, I'll tell him what I'm gonna do! ;)
CheshireKat_95 BRONZE said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 10:36 pm
CheshireKat_95 BRONZE, Cambridge, Minnesota
2 articles 3 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."
- Jane Austen, letter to Cassandra Austen, 24 December 1798

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I love it! It sounds like something I might write to MY sister's future boyfriend. ;)
emily G. said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 9:26 pm
made me laugh! love it! but you didnt mention what you would do to him... :)
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 8:03 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Thank you!  Yes, I was going for 'hilarious'.  As well as 'threatening.' :)
Emma-Riley PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 8:02 pm
Emma-Riley PLATINUM, No, Other
44 articles 0 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Take my hand i give it to you, now you own me all i am, you said you would never leave me, i believe you, i believe..."
-Flyleaf

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ok that is HILLARIOUS (i hope thats what ur going 4...) i luved it and can kinda relate cuz my dad is kinda that way 2.
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 7:01 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Thanks, DarkenRose! :)
SweetPolarBearHugs PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 12:01 pm
SweetPolarBearHugs PLATINUM, New York, New York
27 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All conflict in literature is, in its simplest form, a struggle between good and evil." - unknown author.
"All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream." - Edgar Allan Poe

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That was really funny lol!:)
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Jul. 31 2011 at 5:18 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Thank you! :)
.Izzy. BRONZE said...
on Jul. 31 2011 at 3:55 pm
.Izzy. BRONZE, Broadview Heights, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 388 comments
View profile
Hahaha! This is so great!
CarrieAnn13 GOLD said...
on Jul. 31 2011 at 1:33 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

View profile
Thank you!  I'm glad you liked it. :)  I wish they would put this in the magazine.
born2bewriting BRONZE said...
on Jul. 31 2011 at 1:21 pm
born2bewriting BRONZE, Webster, New York
3 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The sky's the limit!"

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Hi! Okay, I really loved this piece. It's very funny, but in my family it's entirely true. I think if you went a little further with why you should fear the mother more would make a great ending :) Still, great work! And I would suggest reading this to your sister's future boyfriend someday.
Saysh PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 31 2011 at 1:06 am
Saysh PLATINUM, Brentwood, California
31 articles 1 photo 79 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." ~E.L. Doctorow

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Oh, man, that made me laugh! I loved it, and I honestly don't know why this isn't in the magazine! It's hilarious, but totally realistic! Great work!