Lonely Moon | Teen Ink

Lonely Moon

February 1, 2012
By AnimaCordis GOLD, London, Other
AnimaCordis GOLD, London, Other
13 articles 0 photos 132 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Evil is when the good do nothing"


On the nights when the sky is as black as ink, the moon is as white as snow; something comes creeping, like fog across the land. On the nights when the stars are hiding away and the creatures of the night cower in silence; something sinister slinks. I can tell you once, and I can tell you twice, but nothing will prepare you for that thing, that creature, that creeps though the night. A heart of stone becomes butter at the sight; a soul of Iron melts to milk at the sight, the sight, of the master of fright, the king of the night.



On a cold winter’s night, with the cold biting at the skin, and the wind screaming in the ears; wandered forth a girl. The sky was as black as ink, and the moon as white as the snow; there was snow on the ground and blood on the snow. The snow burned the bare feet of the girl, and gnawed at her ankles as she stumbled and staggered forward. The stars were hiding away and the creatures of the night cowered in silence. Her eyes were wild and her hair in tangles, her dress was ripped and fear ran though her like electricity though a wire.

“Shut up Grandfather. I’ve have heard this all before. Spare me the death of some poor girl, it’s boring.”

Fear blinded her from her usual senses, if she had not been so afraid she would have noticed the shadow that crept over the snow towards her.

“Grandfather! It isn’t even Halloween! Shut up!”


The king of the night, the master of fright, flew though the darkness…. Young one are you listening to me?

“No!”

“Foolish child! Who do you think you are? Talking to me like that?”

“Grandfather, you have told that same story thousands of times. I know what happens, the king of the night, the master of fright falls in love so wastes away and is swept away by the cold winter wind never to be seen again. Blah blah blah, I know this. For the last time, I'm not a child!”

“No matter how many times I tell you it doesn’t get though that hard head of yours! You must never forget what happens to us if we all in love, never you hear!" My grandfather rants. He has an old, wrinkled face and a nose like a beak, with gigantic nostrils. He has hair coming out of his nose and ears, but not on his head.

“Yeah, yeah I get it. Can I go now?”

“I worry for you child, I worry.” My grandfather pauses and looks me up and down in a concerned way “But you may leave.” I head for the window. Outside the night air is fresh against my skin. Though the darkness I roam, like the restless wind I whistle across the land. I am the queen of the night, the mistress of fight, forever young and beautiful, powerful and perfect, the epitome of evil. I have just one weakness, and that is love. Like all the creatures on the side of the night, my heart only has room for hate and cruelty. If I fall in love I will die. I won’t ever fall in love, I won’t let myself. I don’t buy into all the mush humans kick up a fuss about. I would rather fly with the stars, reach for the moon, catch smoke and fly though forests then fall in love. To fall in love is to give up on everything. To fall in love is to hang your heart on a willow tree and hope the branch doesn’t break, put your money on a horse with three legs, jump of Victoria falls and hope for the best; in a nutshell, to fall in love is the stupidest thing in the world to do. There is someone standing on the hill before me, their body silhouetted, black against the moon, the wind brings me the scent of blood…


The author's comments:
This is a story about forbidden love, it's short... just like the lives of the lovers it describes.

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This article has 3 comments.


leafy said...
on Mar. 14 2012 at 7:37 am
leafy, City, Other
0 articles 0 photos 682 comments

Favorite Quote:
Gil: I would like you to read my novel and get your opinion. 
Ernest Hemingway: I hate it. 
Gil: You haven't even read it yet. 
Ernest Hemingway: If it's bad, I'll hate it. If it's good, then I'll be envious and hate it even more. You don't want the opinion of another writer. 

Oh dear, I accidentally rated your piece incorrectly, I didn't mean to say it was three stars >_

leafy said...
on Mar. 14 2012 at 7:36 am
leafy, City, Other
0 articles 0 photos 682 comments

Favorite Quote:
Gil: I would like you to read my novel and get your opinion. 
Ernest Hemingway: I hate it. 
Gil: You haven't even read it yet. 
Ernest Hemingway: If it's bad, I'll hate it. If it's good, then I'll be envious and hate it even more. You don't want the opinion of another writer. 

Wow, nice job! It's a unique idea for a romantic sort of story, one that is executed well. I loved the flow of this, especially since so often authors forget about this element when writing prose, which is a huge woe in my opinion. You also had some great similes that enhanced it even more and excellent diction.

However, there were quite a few puncuation errors and it seems as if you're not suite sure as how to use a semicolon. In the first few lines it should be "...black as ink and the moon,...creeping like fog...". Another sentence down, after "silence,"there should be a comma, not a semicolon. Also, in that same paragraph, you capitalized "iron." I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not, and I'd suggest you to uncapitalize it.

In the second paragraph, you said "cold" twice in the same paragraph, which is something I'd definitely stay away from. Not only is this word overly used, but using it one right after the other is...just something I'd not do. Also, in "in the ears; wandered forth a girl," there should be no semicolon (a comma instead). In the next sentence, the proper way would be "...ink, the moon...snow, there was...ground, and blood...".

A bit further on, there should be a semicolon after "usual sense" and a comma after "afraid." Also, the "young one are you listening to me?" seemed a bit out of place in my opinion. And then a couple lines down, it should be "...do you think you are, talking to me...".

Going along, there should be a comma after "you" in "No matter how many times I tell you," and "though" should be "through." Also, when Grandfather said in that same paragraph "we all in love," that didn't quite make sense- I think a word or two is missing or something.

Then lastly, in the final paragraph, I think you meant to say "jump off Victoria Falls" instead of what you put down. Also, the last bit is worded a bit awkwardly and I think it would be better phrased if you changed it to "...hope for the best. In a nutshell, to fall in love...". Speaking of which, describing something as "the stupidest thing in the world" seems very out of place for this story and messes with the mood you've set. Needless to say, I'd strongly suggest in changing it.

Overall, your story was quite excellent, despite the many wording and puncuation errors, which can be easily fixed. 4.5/5

on Mar. 13 2012 at 10:52 pm
applesauceHater SILVER, Nikolaevsk, Alaska
8 articles 0 photos 124 comments
Aha!in the 12th line of the last paragraph, there's no "r" in through:)so you can't say I didn't critique your work. you're an amazing writer so it's hard for us, first you don'tt have mistakes and second, you writing powers make us jealous. You're an amazing  writer and this piece is amazing. 5/5 for fantastic. btw, i love your character's name:)jk