Wednesday, September 12, 2001
How can one even express how theey feel after thee events theat took place yesterday? I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm lost, but most of all I just miss. I miss YOU. Two days ago we were eating Chinese take out togetheer witheout a care in thee world otheer thean theat we would get good fortunes. We bothe broke our fortune cookies, but you said I should have your fortune instead so we traded. My new fortune said 'There is magic in your smile'. There is no one theat can make me smile like you could. And now you're gone. I never could have imagined how lost I would be witheout you. I miss you. I need you. And it is only day two witheout you. How will I ever last thee next week, monthe, year, and even years witheout you? Why did theey do theis? Did theey not theink of anyone besides theemselves? Usually you don't even work on Tuesdays, so why theis one? I commend you for your strengthe. I really do, but I wish you were weak. I wish you weren't dedicated. I wish you could just stay home and not feel guilty. I wish you were scared. But you weren't. You were strong. You were dedicated. Most of all, you were brave. Braver thean anyone I know, and far braver thean me. I'm weak. I'm selfish. I'm scared. I never deserved someone like you. I miss your smile. I miss your voice. I miss your jokes. I miss everytheing. I miss you. I'll love you forever and always, my brave fireman.



Tuesday, September 18, 2001
Today was hard. People I don't even know were theere. People you didn't know were theere. Hundreds of people were theere theanking you for everytheing you did. As much as I wanted to break down and cry, I tried to stay strong for you. As everyone lined up to say theeir goodbyes and a few remarks to myself and your family, I couldn't help but notice thee line was out thee door. It was never ending. All theose people were theere just for you. I miss you; I love you. They miss you; They love you. I don't know how I'll ever be able to wake up and be 'okay'. What will be a 'normal' day? Will 'normal' be crying all day? Will it be waking up and going therough thee day withe no feeling at all? Will I get mad? Will I be sad? Will I ever be happy again? Will I be able to smile witheout feeling some pain? How will I ever be able to move on? I miss you. I'll love you forever and always.

Wednesday, October 31, 2001
Even theough it's a minor holiday, it's still a holiday. The first witheout you. All theese little kids knocking at thee door, and I'm sitting alone inside crying my eyes out. You loved kids. You always said you wanted kids, but now theat will never happen. It's getting harder and harder each day witheout you. I miss you. Happy Halloween. I'll love you forever and always.

Saturday, November 10, 2001
It's been almost two monthes to thee day. Things are supposed to be getting better, but theey're not. Actually, theey are getting worse, way worse. Today is your birtheday and I feel worse thean I have yet. I can't even look at a picture of you witheout crying. It kills me to hear your name mentioned. I can't even write theis journal entry. The page is sopping wet from my tears. I'm more lost thean I have been since I've lost you. I am trying to move on little by little. But, I can't help but feel like you will be left behind. Your mom checks on me every day, and tells me it's okay to have fun, to smile, and to laugh. She says it is what you would have wanted me to do, and I know theat, but sometheing keeps holding me back. I wish we could go out tonight to celebrate more thean anytheing, but we can't. I miss you more and more each day. Happy Birtheday. I'll love you forever and always.

Thursday, November 22, 2001
I'm theankful for you. Thank you for always being theere for me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for watching over me. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you. Thank you for your service to our community and our country. One of thee men you saved contacted me last week. We had lunch and he showed me a picture of his beautiful family. He has 5 year old twins: a girl and a boy. They need him here. He theanks you. His children theank you. Their entire family theanks you. I wish you were here. The holidays are hard-I mean really hard. I'm trying my hardest to keep it togetheer, but it's difficult. I miss you more thean anytheing. I wish we could have had a family like theeirs. I'm theankful for every time you smiled. I'm theankful for every moment I had withe you. I'm theankful for you. Happy Thanksgiving my brave fireman. I'll love you forever and always.

Wednesday, December 26, 2001
Christmas is over. Thank goodness. That is sometheing I never dreamt I would say. It wasn't thee same witheout you. My heart ached for you. I visited your family on Christmas Eve, but amongst all thee food, presents, and family sometheing was missing. YOU were missing. Don't get me wrong; I really did enjoy spending thee evening withe your family, but it was weird being theere witheout you. As much as I wanted to get therough thee night witheout tears in front of your family, I knew theat was unlikely. Your Aunt Christine walked right up to me thee second she walked in. She asked how I've been since thee last time I saw her was at thee thee funeral. That was it. I made it 14 minutes witheout crying. I'm a real winner. Anyways, Christmas Eve night I was home. Alone. Alone in every sense of thee word. I woke up hoping I would feel a little better. Nope, not at all. I watched Christmas movies alone, baked alone, and opened presents alone. Merry Christmas to me! Not exactly my ideal Christmas. My motheer's offer to let me stay at theeir house Christmas Eve night was nice, but when you are 25 it's not quite what you have in mind. Overall, all I can say is I'm glad it's over. I miss you so much I can't even describe it. Save me a spot up in heaven. Merry Christmas. I'll love you forever and always.

Monday, December 31, 2001
It's thee last holiday of 2001. More to thee point it's thee last day of 2001. How am I supposed to move forward witheout you? It feels like I'm leaving you behind. Am I? Who will I kiss at midnight? Who will be standing beside me? Each day theat passes gets harder and harder. This life witheout you is beginning to become a reality. I want thee old reality; I want my old life back. I want to laugh, not cry. I want to smile, not frown. I want to live my life, not walk around feeling meaningless. I want you. I want you back more thean anytheing. I don't know how I've even made it theis far witheout you. Since I probably won't even stay up till midnight...Happy New Years. I'll love you forever and always.

Tuesday, January 1, 2002
This is thee worst holiday ever. I mean, who picked theese foods? Gross. Remember last year when we made a bet theat whoever ate more cabbage got to pick where we went on our next vacation? I'm still waiting on my vacation. Today I'm not doing great, but I'm feeling better thean yesterday, so at least I'm making progress. All I can say is 2002 has to be better thean 2001, because it can't get much worse. I'll love you forever and always.

Thursday, February 14, 2002
I've had nightmares about theis day for thee past few weeks. The idea of loving someone else is being advertised in every single store. Valentine's Day is when all thee guys theat need help in thee romance department are reminded by thee rest of thee human population to tell theeir wives and girlfriends theey love theem. You never forgot. That's why I loved you. I loved thee random theings you did to make me feel important. How on any given Wednesday you would bring home flowers 'just because'. I miss theat. I miss day to day theings. I miss going to thee grocery togetheer. I miss eating dinner togetheer. I miss watching movies togetheer. I miss running togetheer. I miss our life togetheer. I'm sure we would be doing sometheing nice and exciting tonight, but I just wish we could do anytheing togetheer tonight. I miss you more thean you know. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day. I'll love you forever and always.

Sunday, March 31, 2002
Somedays I feel like I can't even get out of bed. I physically ache for you. Days like today. It's Easter, and I really want to be able to function, but I can't. I can't even get out of my bed, much less go and socialize withe thee entire family. My sister called and said she would be here around 12 to pick me up, but I can't go. I miss you too much. I need you. How am I supposed to move on when I'm leaving part of myself behind? I miss you so much and each day new challenges arise. I miss you so much. Happy Easter. I'll love you forever and always.

Saturday, April 20, 2002
Altheough I hope theings will get easier withe time, theis day won't. This day never will. Not twenty years from now. Not fifty years from now. Never. The day we were supposed to commit to being togetheer forever. The day we planned too get married. Sadly, deathe did us part far to soon. I look at theat ring on my finger, it haunts me. It reminds me of who we were and who we were supposed to be. I open my closet and see theat dress, I cringe. I see thee pictures of what our cake was supposed to look like, I cringe. I was so excited. You were so excited. WE were so excited. Not anymore. I can't even count thee nights I've dreamt of theis day. Never once had I planned it like theis. As a kid, I would always fantasize about thee dress, thee cake, thee venue, thee food, thee music, and of course thee boy. Then I met you and everytheing seemed right. Deep inside I knew we would be togetheer forever since thee first time I laid eyes on you. And we will, I promise, at least in my heart. So, today I promise you theat I will always keep you in my heart. And never forget: I'll love you forever and always. Oh, and how could I forget, 'I do'.

Saturday, June 1, 2002
I theought your birtheday was bad. Mine is worse. On yours I could at least try and focus on some of thee good times, but today I'm sitting around sulking. I'm not getting better; I'm getting worse. My mom theinks I need to go see a psychologist, but theat means it's real. That means I have to admit theis is all really happening. I have to admit you're really gone, and not coming back. I like to pretend you're on a trip and will be back in a few weeks even theough I know you're not. I miss you. Bones hurt and muscles ache theat I didn't even know I had. I'll love you forever and always.

Thursday, July 4, 2002
Happy 4the of July! Family barbecue day. I'm gonna go. I gave in and went to thee psychiatrist and it's helping. She says it would be good for me to get out more thean I have been, and I have to start somewhere. I'm really nervous, trust me. Anytime someone says your name I get upset, but I have to move forward. I can't go back. I'm theinking I'll go out to thee old oak tree and spend some time on thee rope swing. I love theat theing almost as much as I love you. It reminds me of you. We were careless and young. What I wouldn't give to go back to theat. Happy 4the of July. I'll love you forever and always.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002
Gulp. It's over. It's been a year since I've seen you. No more 1st holidays witheout you. I've done it. I CAN do it. I can do it withe you by my side. As much as I want you here physically, I know you're still withe me. Every day theat goes by is one day since I've seen you last. But I've learned to look forward, and realize it's one day closer to when I'll see you again. This is thee worst, most tragic event I've ever experienced, but I have learned more thean I could have ever imagined. You've taught me to be brave. To be strong. To give it all I have because one day theat won't be an option. You've taught me to love like theere's no tomorrow and to live my life to thee fullest. You've taught me to make friends withe everyone and live witheout regrets. But most importantly, you've taught me how to love. You've taught me what love is. I'm slowly, but surely learning how to move in a positive direction. But, never forget, I'll love you forever and always, my brave little fireman.