It was rare for me to think about someone at 3 am in the morning, or hearing their soft, sweet voice and imaging every detail of that person. That’s the beauty of falling in love, although, pain can surge through your heart as the smallest things will cause you to worry about them. That feeling they give you when they smile, oh the emotions and the excitement of that person just wants you to jump up with joy.
This was not the case.
It was about a month ago when I met Carrie Sanders. Words could not explain on how or what type of feeling she once gave me. Energy filled through every vein, every beat of my heart seemed to have skipped over and over again, getting louder as the butterflies that were in my stomach, getting annoyed that they were praying to find an escape, which  turned them to monsters. Palms sweaty, wobbly knees, shaky voice, oh, please pray for me. These were the actions Carrie Sanders once gave me, and at first, I quite enjoyed it. Every phrase that she would say, I can repeat over and over again. I can remember what I first said to her and what she had told me.
“Hey, uhh, can I borrow a sheet of paper?” My eyes had been attracted to her and no such thing was able to break my concentration on those marvelous eyes.
“Here.”
She handed the paper to me. Her voice so amazing and unlike any other. I would try to find every excuse to talk to her, and it had gotten really distracting, because I was unable to focus in English class, I would just stare at every little, excuse me, every perfect little detail that had caused my mind to wander. Not even my only friend knows how much affection she has cause me to give. Wishing every day that I could at least hug her once, and well, my wish had come true. It was a Wednesday like any other, and her books had fallen from her hands, and with every force, I came running to her to help her. When I gave her the books, she asked a question I thought I would never hear again, a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She asked, “Hey, thanks Kevin, wanna hang out at lunch?”
My heart pounding with excitement, blood rushing throughout my body, I could not believe what she asked. Chances like these should be not be wasted and should be taken advantage of.
“Yeah sure I’d love to.”
“Okay, I’ll see you later then, I guess” she smiles and I smile back. Before she had left my appearance she had gave me the biggest, warmest hug ever. Her arms wrapped around mine as I cautiously try not to hug her too tight.
“See you later.” She says softly.
As I wish that hug could have been much longer. I smiled at her and walked to class, waiting for 5 period. I guess God must hate me, because the time had gone much, much slower. The classroom had silenced, the only sound I could hear was the ringing of the clock ticking, second by second, minute by minute, but every minute felt like an hour.

Impatiently waiting, the impatience began to hurt my head, it began to speak to me, and the volume of the ticking kept increasing and wouldn’t stop, for I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs. But I couldn’t. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. I covered my ears, hopefully ending the beating that my ears had been taking and hopefully ending the annoying, very loud sound of the ticking. See what love can do to you? After all the suffering, thinking I had become impaired, the bell had finally struck. Running to lunch wasn’t a usual thing, but it was the only thing on my mind. We had met up where the lunch court was and I had never been so happy in my life. It was amazing, continuous conversation, it wasn't awkward, it was like we had been friends forever and I was even happier when I made her laugh because her smile, so gorgeous, so beautiful, I felt warm inside, I felt happy, I felt safe, I felt home. And for that we had both fallen in love, I had to tell her everything I have to admit. As much regret I have to tell her, I had to.
"Hey Carrie, I need to tell you something, and its quite serious." My voice cracked halfway.
My heart began to pump, time had gotten slower, it felt as if, the world stopped rotating. Guilt and regret came to my mind and all I could do was swallow it down, and feed it to the butterflies. The feeling of being nervous, I couldn't stand straight anymore. I had to confront.
"Well, are you gonna tell me? Cause lunch's almost over." She said impatiently.
"Well uhh, I uhh, its kinda uhh, you-," I had choked. I couldn't do it, but I had to, so I gave it another attempt.
"Okay here it goes, I-" the bell rings. God had saved me from losing my one day best friend. The clattering of the bell had wiped the monstrosity of my fate.
"You better tell me later, see ya later, Kev." She gives me a quick hug and leaves.
The rest of the day was a relief, but the palms of my hands had continued sweaty, so much tense had been involved that the feeling of being nervous, was still there. I hated myself for wimping out, for not admitting to my first love that she was. My mind kept telling me one simple thing, 'breathe'. Inhaling the relief, and exhaling the dilemma I had caused earlier today. Being in love didn't always mean that you are happy, that you are always In a good mood. Well at least not in my perspective.
School had finally came to an end, and I ran straight home, in guiltiness and in shame. As I pull out the short, sharp keys out from my backpack, i can hear her voice crisp and clear, as if she was standing next to me. Confused from whether I was in love, the feeling of her presence was there. I stood there staring at my keys, next to the gate door that leads to the apartment complex. Her voice just kept saying my name, 'Kevin, oh Kevin.'
"Hey Kevin, either move or hurry the hell up, I got stuff to do." Said the mean man who lived on the second floor.
Daydreaming I assumed, I could have sworn it was her, my mind had been playing games with me the whole day. Entering the small, empty space I call home, my iPhone had been notified with a text message from Carrie that read:
"you still need to tell me. -.-" trying to look for excuses and see what might seem important, I simply replied,
"It wasn't important, I promise or I would've told you after school."
"Okay then you better not lie, well I gotta go ill see you tomorrow. "
Weeks had gone by, and Carrie and I had been best friends. Expressing my love to her was a usual thing, but I realized that she really hasn't. It felt like in some way, we had grown apart from lovers, and thinking this way had me really over thinking. I hated when I did that. Some days, Carrie would hang out with this other kid half the time, and I felt very left out, all alone, isolated between her barriers. Days like that would often give me heart ache, and the feeling of tearing up and crying became a very, simple option.
Texting her every day, she seemed to have continued liking it, but she had stopped showing.
Now, there was the worst day of my life. Carrie and I had completely stopped communicating for the past few days, and every day was like a battlefield between myself. Battling from crying, from being sad, from being me. Carrie was with someone else. Seeing the sight of them holding hands, shattered my heart. Tears filling up my eyes but all I could do was stare. State at all our memories we once had. Looking though every moment that felt like a dream, and now thinking about it, those memories didn't matter to her.
Carrie was my temporary forever. Now, I don't even matter to her. Silence was my new best friend. I didn't even know who I was anymore, for she has the other half of me, the happy me. The one where I felt home with her. Pieces of my heart only remain as she scooped up the pieces and threw them away. She had shot my heart with a gun that said his name on it. All I can do now is image of what we could have been, of what we should've been, but never came to be.