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The Candle Lit Room: A Patagonian Special
We are now back in the same setting as before, except many things have changed. In one corner, a fire is blazing in the fireplace, casting long shadows on the stone walls of the room. As the reader hears murmuring of those inside the room, the only other light in the room is provided by the candles set on the table. A white rabbit man fades in from the darkness and grabs a chair opposite the reader. He sits down, and upon closer inspection, the reader will see he is wearing a tan and white scarf along with a brown coat. His headdress is made of feathers that are the same dull colors. He frowns slightly and presses the red button of a recorder on the table.
Well, if you heard my previous recordings, you know that I’m trying to warn humanity about a group of dangerous predators, and with the date fast approaching, I’m going to have to interrupt my series to warn you guys about ANOTHER one.
I know. So disappointing, since you haven’t heard from me in a while. But, I am going to tell you a story, since I need you to understand that it’s not me who’s the monster.
The whole story began at a wedding. As my brother Col and I headed toward the church, Col said, “And if this doesn’t convince you, I bet nothing will.”
For months, Col was trying to get me to quit my job. He kept on telling me there was something wrong with my boss, Ixtlilton. He was this guy who had black stripes on his face and a headdress that looked like a serpent and he wore something like a red, white, and green tunic. He was not a rabbit like me.
Anyway the sunset painted the sky a brilliant mango orange. I then remembered that I hated mango, so that put me in a crummy mood, “What makes you think taking me to a wedding will get me to walk out on my boss?”
Col turned to me. The wings he wore blocked half his face, and he said, “You know how you cooed and said, ‘Oh, who’s the lucky couple?’ and how Ix refused to tell you?”
I did remember seeing the guy break into a sweat when I asked that, but I could care less. We finally reached the shade of the church’s roof and I saw a deer skull at the top of the church’s big doors. We Aztecs used to be obsessed with death, so I saw nothing wrong with that.
The doors opened with a fwoosh and we were met with the sound of an organ honking away. The church pews were packed. As Col and I walked down the aisle, I gandered at the foreigners at the wedding and noticed something. Unlike the Aztec guests, none of them were brightly colored. Most of them wore outfits and paint with broad stripes and the women there were dressed like French maids. The outfits the guys wore did not look comfortable, and they all wore these conical hoods or masks. The only creature among these that wore a decent dress was crying.
Then Col grabbed my arm, “Just ignore her.”
I sighed and then looked upward and saw chains of frangipani flowers hanging from the rafters, slithering across the walls, bordering doors and windows, you name it, and I knew they were the scentless kind too. I shook my head in disgust: In Atzlan, nobody wants to be the guy with scentless flowers at their wedding. What disgusted me even more was the sight of the Pharisee-donkey centaur at the altar. I had a run-in with those guys a while back.
Col finally found seats for us right next to a wide window, and the tomato plants outside took up half the space. We sat there, waiting for the bride to show up when I noticed that there was a woman at the altar. She wore a dress that I think was supposed to be white but had ashy spots in a few places. Her black hair spread out like a lion’s mane and she had piercing hazel eyes, like those of a hawk.
And did I mention she had deathly blue skin?
The doors shut for a moment, but then burst open. The organ began to sing with renewed vigor. In came what I thought was the groom, with his black pointed hood, black and white striped robe (well, it was mostly black), and in his snow white hands, the blackest tulips I’ve ever seen.
I got up out of my seat and ran in front of the guy, “Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Hold up, hold up everyone.”
The church suddenly became deadly silent.
I laughed a bit and rubbed the back of my head, “Listen mister. I know you’ve done your research and understand that we Mexicans do things differently, but sir, this is more like the weddings in Europe. You’re not supposed to walk down the aisle.”
The dude had these huge eyes, and he just stared me down. He had a white band circling his shoulders from which the narrow, bone white stripes came down.
That awkward moment, it hit me. I pointed at the creature and yelled, “Wait a second… You’re a GIRL?”
I turned to the woman in the ashy dress. She was giving me a super dirty look now.
So I ran toward the window Col and I were next to earlier and grabbed a tomato that sat conveniently on the sill.
Col grabbed my hand, “What are you doing?”
I pulled his hand away, “Nothin’ important.”
I turned to the Godzilla in the aisle and threw the tomato right at her face. She saw the tomato heading right toward her, so... for some odd reason, she didn’t get out of the way.
Anyway, it hit her in the eye, and she bellowed like the world’s angriest cow, “My face! My beautiful, beautiful face!”
Folks started to scream. As the already tall cloak-wearer grew even taller, I snatched a tomato basket from one of the Aztec guests and as my fellow Mexicans got out of the pews, I pelted them with tomatoes. They knew this was a no-no, but they showed up anyway. After that, I angrily looked for Ixtlilton. Once I saw the guy backing away from the altar, I jumped over some pews, but then someone grabbed my arm.
It was the masked lady in the dress. She said, “What on earth are you doing?”
I just threw a tomato at her and it hit her on the chest. Then I bolted over the last pew the moment she started yelling, “You little twit! I was just trying to help you!”
Ixtlilton was starting to look like a mouse facing a big blue cat, except the cat was an angry lady. I jumped and soared over him and landed a tomato on his face.
Once I saw the floor rushing toward me, I realized I didn’t think this through. And then I landed face first.
“Ouch,” I said as I rubbed my nose. Ixtlilton growled and I turned to see that his face turned dark blue. His eyes started to bulge and turn black. His face wasn’t injured, but it was changing colors. He wiped off more of the tomato, and there was nothing in those cold pits except for red dots. His teeth grew into outrageous buck teeth!
My boss was Tlaloc, the king of vampires!
I gasped and pointed a finger, but before I can even shout an insult, something slammed on me and pulled me upward. The dark thing felt surprisingly cold.
And there was light. And an ugly conehead.
The black creature’s eye was edged with what looked like purple thunderbolts. Liquid opal oozed out of both of her eyes, “How dare you ruin my wedding! I’ll make your boss PAY for this!”
“You’re not taking ANY of my money,” Tlaloc shouted.
The bizarre creature chuckled, “Who needs money when I have your most loyal servant?”
“Yes,” said the equally tall blue lady.
I just thought the dark one’s sharp teeth were disgusting. I looked down at Tlaloc and said, “Um, Tlaloc, you’re supposed to save my butt here. You are, right?”
At first the jerk was looking at me, but then he turned his attention to the opal getting all over his floor.
I realized what just went on in his brain, “What the- After all I’ve done for you? Seriously?”
I also realized that what I did was not only stupid; it was wrong. I turned to the giants, “Just to let you know, God doesn’t approve of what I did so... I’m sorry.”
I’m sure my smile didn’t help matters.
The monsters looked at each other, then at me.
The black robed whatchamacallit made a bizarrely sweet smile, “You are pretty cute. I think I’ll just take you.”
My eyes grew big with horror. I looked down at Tlaloc and saw some of his minions breaking the valuable opal with pickaxes, “Um, Tlaloc, Tlaloc, TLALOC.”
The giant turned around. I was shaken by the first step, which made a loud boom, “Tlaloc! Col! Chantico!”
After that, I started screaming for SOMEBODY to help.
The blue lady smashed down her fist through the front of the church and kicked the rest down. The front wall fell with a thud. The giants resumed their ominous stomping and I resumed my dramatic screaming.
Now I know what you’re thinking.
In a squeaky voice, the narrator says,
Tepoztecatl, you jerk! You totally deserved to get kidnapped like that!
Back in his normal voice, the narrator continues.
But like I said, it’s not me who’s the monster here. I know it’s not nice to humiliate anyone now, but back then I was new to this standing-up-for-morals thing. I really didn’t know what I was doing.
As the narrator pauses to think for a moment, a dark figure appears and creeps up to the narrator.
In fact, I don’t think I knew just why I thought it was wr-AAAAAAAAH!
The dark figure takes off its mask to reveal a gray rabbit’s head. This rabbit man laughs.
What the- Ugh! Col! Just what’s wrong with you?