A Christmas Pageant
(for schools with serious budget cuts)

*This play should be performed with a full cast of two, preferably in darkness where they cannot be seen or heard. The lines should be shouted at close range, hence the frequent exclamations. Costumes are to be made out of old socks and string.

Characters: Elf 1




Elf 2
Scene I:
Elf 1: (sees elf 2 stacking toys on shelves) WAIT! WAIT! Don't fill that shelf!
Elf 2: don't fill that shelf? But I'm an elf! And I would like to fill that shelf!
Elf 1: Silly elf, you can't fill that shelf, for then you'd go and hurt yourself!
Elf 2: Hurt myself? On this here shelf? Say what you mean, oh papa elf!
Elf 1: The toys you place upon the shelf are just not good for any elf! The paint is lead. Lead makes you dead. So please, my elf, don't touch that shelf!
Elf 2: Lead makes you dead? Oh horror, oh dread! For I bake lead into my bread! And eat the bread while I'm in bed!
Elf 1: Lead Bread in Bed? Are you off your head? At this rate you will soon be dead! I must now you a lesson teach. You can cancel out the lead with Bleach!
Elf 2: The lead with bleach! Oh, gummi peach! This is a wonder that you preach.
Elf 1: start right away! Do not delay! For many elves may die today! Or perhaps go loony! Or maybe Goony! Either way, the price you'll pay!
(End of Scene I. Have an inexperienced trumpet player do his best to make a noise)

Scene II (reopen the same as scene I):
Elf 2: Thank you friend! I'll not forget- as I speed away in my Concorde jet!
Elf 1: A Concorde Jet? Oh, deep regret! For you in certain doom are set!
Elf 2: Doom? For whom?
Elf 1: Doom for youm! That jet goes BOOM!
Elf 2: That jet goes BOOM? I face my doom! Whither shall I place my tomb?
Elf 1: No tomb, no tomb! You won't go BOOM, as long as you don't leave this room.
Elf 2: Helf Helf! Helf Helf! I'm just an elf! I fear I may have killed myself by stacking lead upon this shelf. I need your helf. I'm just an elf! Too jolly to die, too happy to cry, my ears are long and I don't know why!
Elf 1: Your long ears are the least of your fears! You need a truck. A massive truck. To help you find a magic duck. He'll teach you to escape this muck. Truck to the duck: he'll change your luck!
Elf 2: Thank you, thank you, Papa elf! I'll truck to the duck; I'll helf myself! Soon I'll be merry, and like a fairy, I'll cast a spell on the unwary. To turn them into a big berry. Now I will punish them myself, for placing lead upon my shelf! Endangering my tiny self!
Elf 1: I helfed the elf; I fixed the shelf. He's on his way this happy day to meet the duck; I hope he'll stay.

Our tale is done. Let's have some fun! Let's tell a joke. Let's poke a poke. Let's dust our ears in colored smoke!

But wait! You cannot have such fun- for humans are the boring ones. They work all day, and sleep all night! And even when the time is right, they cannot play like any elf!

So why not climb off of your shelf and try to fix your dull old self. If that won't work, I have some helf:
call 1-800-ELF_YOURSELF!