I know what you’re thinking. “Bigfoot is a myth -- a bunch of hoo-haw made up by Communists to make us distrust the government!” Every word in that statement, except ‘a,’ is false. Bigfoots do exist, and they lived next to me -- until last night.

In 2019, we develop one of the greatest inventions in human history: the 10-Mile Scanner. It can scan up to 10 square miles (as the name would suggest) of any area for DNA not plugged into the Official Global DNA Registry. Once IBM began to mass-produce this refrigerator-sized aluminum eyesore, we cryptozoologists knew that our moment had arrived. Bigfoot researchers clawed their way into Costcos around the globe, and these monstrosities sold out faster than the iPhone 7 – the one with the groundbreaking Bendy Display. (Sorry, past. More spoilers ahead.) This record was difficult to top, since the iPhone 7 sold out in three short minutes. (You can check in five years.) Quickly, bigfooters fanned out over the entire world, lugging their monstrous scanners lashed to the backs of U-Haul trucks, camels, elephants, and Toyota Priuses. A team in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula reported the first sighting, which shocked researchers. Many of the early teleportation pioneers had clear cut most of the trees in the Upper Peninsula to use for teleport experiments. (The Federal Department of Molecular Disintegration and Reintegration has prohibited teleports for use on living subjects since the traumatic “Disembodied Moroccan Ear” incident of 2017.) The discovery created an uproar in the scientific community on March 20th, 2020, when amateur researchers displayed the first caged Bigfoot, known as Lunchbox, on CNN. (Yes, it’s still around.)

Immediately, a new activist community bought the domain name savelunchbox.org. I, Piper Malone, started this movement. These animals are the same as any other endangered animal. They need our help. My group, Save Lunchbox, relocated more than 4,000 Bigfoots to safe habitats where teleportation companies aren’t zapping trees to the Deforested Zones. While our fight for Bigfoot liberation was successful overall, many groups said we needed to destroy the Bigfoots in order to save ourselves. Zealots tried to justify this “threat” by publicizing the story of two fanatics who drowned while trying to “purify” two baby Bigfoots. This did not go over well with the Bigfoots’ parents. By performing many invasive procedures that were intended to help the species, even the Endangered Species Act ended up destroying many populations of wild Bigfoots.
Up until last night, I lived next to the leading Bigfoot sanctuary in the entire world. The fence was enough to keep the Bigfoots in, but not enough to keep them out. Unmarked, black Land Rovers raided the sanctuary and absconded with all our Bigfoots in the dead of night. When I heard the cars, I leaped out of my bed, grabbed my flashlight, and dashed out to the compound. The second I stepped across the threshold, 50,000 volts surged through my body. A man in an Italian suit stood over me and muttered as I lost consciousness, “You’re in too deep.”

This morning, we held a press conference to expose to the nations of the world what happened on the night of Friday, October 13, 2023. Thousands of reporters showed up from around the globe to cover the tragedy. Soon, everyone in the world knew about the Bigfoot Purge. We are searching far and wide for the Bigfoots; we have even requested the help of other governments. (The Ukrainians were surprisingly cooperative, especially considering the Chernobyl 2.0 incident in 2021. Please don’t ask. I’m not supposed to know that happened.) So far, we have seen and heard nothing -- not a hair, not a footprint, not even a plaintive howl. It’s like they have left the planet.
Past generations must learn from the future’s mistakes. When something hasn’t been found for millennia, it doesn’t want to be found. Maybe the Bigfoots sensed this would happen. Maybe they knew we would exploit them just like we have exploited the rest of our planet. Here is my message for past explorers. If you find a mythical creature, leave it be. It is mythical by its own volition.