The keeper | Teen Ink

The keeper

July 31, 2014
By EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments

Green everywhere. I woke up and blinked my eyes and looked up through my long lashes. The light that was filtered through the thick foliage above me was green as if it shone through a colour filter. I looked down. My dress was also a very light green with dark green grass stains on my knees. I frowned and sat up. The moss I had laid my head on was damp and so half of my head was wet. I shivered and rubbed my arms, where am i?
I felt a pang of what I only later on identified as homesickness. I didn’t come from a world with only one colour. As I turned around I stepped on something. Peach. The colour came like a breath of fresh air, a break from so much of the same. I picked it up. My book.
Memories started flooding into my mind, going so fast that I fell over and cradled my head with my hands. The pictures kept picking up speed as they flipped through my mind that they just became a blur of white flashing by with the pain building up with the speed. The pain seared so much that I let out a loud, guttural scream.
Nothing. The memories stopped and the pain had completely ebbed away sometime during the scream, at what point, I had no idea. There was also no sound. I couldn’t hear the birds and the rest of the wildlife anymore. After a moment the wildlife resumed with its noise making me freeze and crouch with the book clutched against my chest. Instinct spoke better than memories, they couldn’t have the book.
The book held all information of my people, of my world. Maps, pictures and music were also included in the data. They especially couldn’t see those. Our colours went way beyond their spectrum that they would not be able to understand it. Colours that they could never imagine on their own. The music would have the effect on them as the music of the Sirens in their tales. It would either kill them or drive them mad like a rabid dog.
These people were selfish, they were self-absorbed. They would use the book to bring ruin to my world, like they have done to theirs, Earth. A millennium ago Earth was a jewel, but now it’s almost a complete ruin. I would not let them have the book. They need to stay in the darkness. They have a saying here, “Ignorance is bliss.” Their ignorance would be my bliss, our bliss. I will let them believe that they are alone in the universe.
Of one thing I was sure as I chose a direction to walk, a direction that would soon be on the map in the book because of its connection to my mind, I was not home. I was not home.

The author's comments:
Please give me your honest opinion on this. Should I develop it into a book?

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This article has 7 comments.

on Aug. 18 2014 at 4:17 pm
Vallichor SILVER, Bloomington, Indiana
7 articles 0 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
Everyone goes through hardships, we just have different stories.

I would suggest that you revise this piece a bit, just to fix some of the sentences and capitalize the 'I'. You do have a gift for writing, but you really need to work on format and sentence structure. Once you get that down, you'll be great!

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Aug. 15 2014 at 2:38 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
Thanks, i guess i'll work on that:)

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Aug. 15 2014 at 2:37 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
Thanks! That's so encouraging for met to hear... I guess i've got something to work on.

on Aug. 12 2014 at 2:54 pm
readaholic PLATINUM, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
27 articles 0 photos 425 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather fail because I fell on my own face than fall because someone tripped me up
~Jhonen Vasquez

I really enjoyed your imagery.  The way you narrate is unique and intriguing, though some of your sentences are a bit awkward (the sentence after "Nothing." for example)  You have a gift!

on Aug. 12 2014 at 10:17 am
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Books are a uniquely portable magic." - Stephen King

I love books, and I love technology, but I don't want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

Yep. You should. This already looks like a really intriguing concept, and it has a ton of potential beyond this short story!  Again, it's not perfect; the narration did feel a little awkward at some parts ("...flashing by with the pain building up with the speed"; "These people were selfish, they were self-absorbed") and the story as a whole did feel a tiny bit rushed.  These, however, are small problems, and you're more than capable of fixing them! This idea you have is very imaginative and could become something truly amazing once you add more story and more characters and more...well, more everything, really! Really good job with this; I definitely think you should expand it into something bigger! :)

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Aug. 10 2014 at 11:48 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
Thanks:) i'll give it a try.

on Aug. 10 2014 at 9:24 am
Shadow_hunter SILVER, Nairobi, Other
6 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Doing things that have not been done yet, is called aspiration and fulfilling them is success"

I honestly think you should write more and develop it into a book. Its really good and it left me wanting to read more. Good job!