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Revenge Of the Blondes
[Addison and Piper, two of the blondes, sitting on a bench Up-Center. Lights Up Enter Riley and Taylor, two brunettes, stage right]
Riley (To Taylor)
Hey Taylor, How do you drown a blond?
Tape a mirror to the bottom of the pool! I heard that one before, it’s hilarious! Hey Riley, How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
I don’t know, how many?
4; one to hold the light bulb, 2 to spin the ladder, and one to cry “Daddy!”
[Taylor and Riley Exit]
I’m insulted! Joke after Joke! They’re always making us feel so inferior!
Piper (looking in a compact)
C’mon Addison, you know they’re just jealous of our natural hair color.
Yea…but we should still do something about it! (Stands up) Let’s take a stand for blondes everywhere!
Can’t we just get our hair done?
NO! We need to hold and intervention! What part of ‘take a stand’ don’t you understand?
Hey, stand and understand rhyme!
No. you can’t rhyme stand with itself.
Piper (stands up)
Yes you can! –and, -and, They have the same ending!
Yes and they same beginning. They rhyme. Can we just come up with a plan already?
But the mall…!
Addison (Grabbing Piper and pulling her off SR)
Not now Piper!
[Todd and Margot are onstage. Lights Up Addison drags Piper onstage]
(Walking on) Hey guys, listen up! We need to take a stand! End blond Jokes!
I’m tired of all the jokes, being picked on and— (stands up)
Todd (playing a video game)
I say we make brunette jokes! (stands up)
Why does it matter? Life’s better blond anyway.
Yes that’s our slogan! That’s our catch phrase, our chant, our poster message, our…
(All look at Addison like she’s nuts)
Margot & Todd
Like Toyota “Moving you forward”!
Todd (under his breath)
Especially when their breaks don’t work.
(The girls next to him laugh while Addison rolls her eyes)
All in favor of the slogan “Life’s better blond”?
[Brunette intervention, same set up of chairs for 4 brunettes: Taylor (The lead brunette), Riley, Lindsey and Mark ]
Hey guys, listen to this! According to Addison’s last tweet, (reads) “Blondes are taking a stand! Do you understand? And no Piper that does not rhyme.”
Lindsey (aside to Riley)
Wow, Riley, don’t you think Piper can be so…
(Lindsey laughs and high fives Riley)
That’s a bit harsh, girls. What are they protesting, anyway?
I also checked her Facebook, it says Blond jokes.
How do they expect to do that?
Hopefully not by IQ tests.
Ha! That’s a good one Riley! What else did they say, Taylor?
Well Todd‘s status is “Life’s better blond” and Margot texted me “War. 3:00 today. Bring brunettes. And leave the jokes” (pauses) ...Why is Piper’s status “I still want my mani-pedi”?
(shrugs it off) I dunno. But guys, why don’t blondes get coffee breaks?
All – Mark
It takes too long to retrain them!
They want war, we’ll give them war.
Brunettes know best!
We’ll knock what little intelligence they have right out of them!
Brunettes know best!
All (joining in)
Brunettes know best! Brunettes know best! Ext…
[Addison, Piper, and Margot making signs. Lights up]
Those brunettes don’t even know what’s coming to them!
They think they’re so smart. We’ll see how smart they are when they go blond!
People don’t go blond, they go grey.
Margot (holding up empty milk carton labeled ‘Bleach’)
That’s what you think!
Isn’t that pronounced Bl-ech?
No, it’s not. It’s pronounced bleach.
Hey girls, how’s this? (Holds up sign reading “Life’s better blonde”)
How come you have bleach?
To dye their hair.
Todd (after a beat)
Addison (stands up)
A few more minutes everyone! Get ready!
Margot (stands up)
This battle’s gonna be EPIC!
Piper (Margot pulls her up during this line)
I still just want to get my hair and nails done.
Later Piper, come on guys lets go! Life is better blonde!
All (minus Piper)
Life’s better blonde! Ext…
[Riley with her phone, Lindsey and Mark painting a sign, Lights up]
Riley (looking at website on phone)
Man these are gold!
Lindsey (painting a sign)
Mind helping us instead of playing with your phone?!
I am helping! These will take down those blondes for good!
Taylor (entering with paints)
What are you guys up to?
Aren’t these great! Look, Taylor! Look!
Taylor (gives paint to Mark)
Um, brunette is spelled wrong
Crap! (fixes sign) Ok, All better!
Its still wrong
Gosh miss spellcheck, just let it go!
Taylor! Come here!!
Um, Ok Mark. What is it Riley? (Reads the phone. Laughing) these are great! (Suddenly taken aback) oh…that’s a little bit too…
Perfect? I know! That’s my favorite. (Takes paper from stack, begins writing something)
I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they see us! (Holds up sign with slogan “Brunettes know best”)
If they can even understand us!
Any more status updates from them?
Lemme check…oh yeah here’s one. From Piper “Ew…this bl-ech smells bad”
Lindsey (after a pause)
Does she mean Bleach?
Riley (beckoning to others)
Hey guys, I have the perfect way to take them down!
With the one thing they can’t stand.
Blond Jokes. Come look at these!
All: (gather around Riley. Talking over each other)
Yes! Definitely! These are great! Perfect!
(Start chanting) Brunettes know best! Brunettes know best! Ext…
[Brunettes SL; Riley, Taylor, Lindey, Mark.]
LIFE’S BETTER BLOND!
[Lights up Blondes enter]
They ARE doing something with bleach!
Why would they even have bleach?
(shrugs) beats me
Look who decided to show up.
Look who remembered to show up.
I put in my cell phone to remind me!
(under her breath) Typical blonde…
Hey! We can hear you ya’ know!
You were supposed to!
Enough small talk, let’s get started!
Mark (“babying” her)
But big talk might be too difficult for you!
That’s it! (runs at Mark with the intention to pour bleach on him)
(hits the bleach, out of her hand, upstage) Ha! nice try. (cocky smile)
Aw man! My bleach!! (returns to blondes, defeated)
It’s ok Margot don’t worry! Hey Todd, What do brunettes miss about a great party?
The invitation! (Other blondes cheer)
We got invited to this.
We said war, not party. Your point is invalid.
Fine. But I get invited to tons of parties!
I didn’t see you at the one last Saturday!
There was a party?
(To Lindsey) shhhh! (To everyone, defensive) We…had plans… You wouldn’t understand!
How do you confuse a blond?
Have them alphabetize M&M’s!
You can just organize them by color!
Why would you organize them at all!?
To taste the rainbow!
Piper, that’s skittles.
Why did the blond climb into the fireplace?
So she could sleep like a log!
Oh yeah?! Well what do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? (flicks her hair)
Invisible! ...hey where’d they go?!
Ha, Ha. Very funny.
What does a Blond make best for dinner?
Mark (stepping forward proudly)
Todd (Taking a step forward)
Okay Mark, try this out for size! What’s brown, black and blue?
(Mark shies away a bit)
A Brunette who’s told one too many blond jokes! (Punches Mark in the gut)
Piper (whispers to Addison)
Is he ok?
Addison (aside to piper)
Mark (Stepping forward again)
Oh Really, what do you call a bunch of blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Cuz our heads are full of air, how original.
Taylor (stepping further DC)
It’s a classic!
Addison (Meeting her DC)
We’ll its stupid!
Oh like you can do better!
Margot (stepping forward between Addison and Taylor causing the arguing to stop)
What is the real reason a brunette can keep their figure?
No one else wants it!
Hey thanks, I do have a great figure. (Strikes a pose)
That’s not what we meant!
He knows that!
You know you want me Piper!
I’d rather date a red head!
Well that’s okay cuz I’d rather hit myself with this sign then take you out!
Piper (boiling to the surface, insulted)
THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID ON FRIDAY! (Runs off Stage Right)
I’ll….be right back…. (follows her off)
(Awkward silence, Margot coughs)
So, You guys want to go to Panera?
(All-Margot begin to exit)
Margot (runs to grab carton)
Can we stop at CVS? I need to get more bleach. (runs off L after everyone else who are laughing at Margot.)
Hey guys! hey where are you going? guys come on this isn’t funny! guyysss!
(Reenter Piper, SL, and Mark coming after her)
Piper, Wait! I didn’t mean it!
I don’t believe you.
I thought we decided to keep it a secret—
Well you took it too far! I wasn’t comfortable with this “war” in the first place!
I know, I know, I’m sorry. (Falls to his knees, begging) Being blond is just a recessive trait; it has nothing to do with intelligence, I know that! You’re the smartest girl I know Piper. I swear I didn’t mean it!
Piper (Walking away from him, arms crossed)
The sweet talk won’t get you very far Mark. It sounded like you meant what you said before.
Well I didn’t! I could never hurt you like that, I like you too much.
Well, (stands up, walks towards her) Come here! (Pulls her in as if to kiss her but they smack heads instead)
Mark and Piper