FADE IN:

INT. GAMESHOW STUDIO – DAY

Somewhere in Hollywood, a knock off jeopardy show is recording an episode in front of a live studio audience.

HOST, a middle-aged man in a suit enters from behind a wall, smiling and waving to cheering audience.

HOST
(Cheerfully)
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to today’s episode of “Some People We Found on the Street Jeopardy!” The game where you can have a criminal record and still be allowed on uncensored daytime television! I’m your host, Max Epode. We’re ready to begin so let’s introduce our contestants! Today we have joining us, Diana Gruntly, she is a 36-year-old professional crocheter and would like the entire audience to be aware that she is single and looking for a suitable mate to procreate with! Her words not mine, folks.

DIANA, a heavy-set woman comes lightly jogging on from same entrance as host and is wearing a hand knit kitten sweater, holding a crocheted pillow with “Jeopardy” stitched on it.

DIANA
(Excited)
So happy to be here, Max!

HOST
(With sarcasm)
I’m sure you are, Diana. Our next guest is a Mr. Warren Warner from Minnesota! Come on out here and tell us about yourself, Warren!

WARREN, A thin man of about 40 walks on, he is balding with a sweater vest and small framed glasses, he stops and stares and smiles in a predatory way at Diana.

WARREN
(Monotonous)
Hello everyone. My name is Warren Warner, I have a warrant out for my arrest, but I wanted to be on a game show before I go to prison, so here I am.

HOST
What a great alliteration, Warren. So our next—

WARREN
What did you just call me?

HOST
An alliteration is a—

WARREN
Yes. (Pause) I am 45 years old and I am looking for someone to house sit my small bungalow and take care of my mother in Minnetonka, Minnesota for the next 30 years to life. If you are interested please meet me in the back alley beside the dead homeless man so we can further discuss. (Very close to mic) Thank you, Maxwell.

HOST
(Uncomfortable)
It’s just Max, but no… Thank you, Warren. All right, our next guest is a young woman by the name of Sky… Please join us on stage!

SKY is 20 years old and seems to be extremely high, she wears new age hippie clothing and saunters up to her podium.

SKY
Hi, my name is Sky… Sky High.

HOST
Sky High? You can't be serious. Is that really your last name?

SKY
(Mellow giggle)
I don’t know.

HOST
Well, alright then. Let’s start the show then! Thank you all for coming let’s see who will be today’s big winner! Diana why don’t we start with you? Choose a category.

DIANA
Let’s choose types of toothpaste for $800.

HOST
Excellent choice, Diana. The brand's famous slogan: “Take the feeling of clean to the Extreme."

DIANA
That’s a tough one, Max. I think I remember hearing that on the radio coming back from my favourite crocheting store. What is… Aquafresh?

HOST
Correct! Amazing, absolutely amazing. Let’s keep going. Warren, you're up next, choose a category.

WARREN
Types of rocks. $200.

HOST
Alright let's see that question, Warren. A rock that typically is dark grey, with many craters in it.

WARREN
Interesting. (Pause, stares off into space for a long time)
HOST
We can skip you, if you'd like Warren-

WARREN
Who is President Carter?

HOST
(Confused)
Is that your final answer…?

WARREN
No, I was just thinking about how I wasn't really sure who he was.

HOST
I think we'll just give you a little time to contemplate that then, Warren. The correct answer would be "What is scoria?" Sky… (Doesn’t acknowledge him) Hello, Sky? (Slowly looks up at him and smiles) Okay Sky, choose a category.

SKY
Okay… Hmm, Bread bowls for $13.

HOST
Sky, that's neither a category nor a possible cash option.

SKY
Well, I work at Panera and they're raising the prices of bread bowls, and I thought the good people of Mexico would want to know that. Also, I just wanted to tell you that I think it's beautiful that you express your feminism through your name, "Maxi Pad." Thank you for your service.

HOST
Firstly, this is America, not Mexico. And secondly, my name is Max Epode, not Maxi Pad, thank you. Please choose a valid category, Sky.

SKY
Okay, I'll be right back I'm just going to go to the bathroom now.

HOST
What? No, Sky, you can't leave mid session- (Sky is leaving) Sky! (Sky is gone) Alright folks, well, I guess that's all the time we have, thank you for tuning in, we hope you enjoyed. Our lucky winner today is Diana, since she is the only one who participated in the game. Enjoy your prize and we hope to see you again soon on "Some People We Found on the Street Jeopardy!"

WARREN
(Is suddenly beside the host grabbing the mic)
Again I would like to reiterate, I do need someone to take care of my mother and my house for the next 30 years to life. She is 87 years old, enjoys playing chess with the old man in our basement, and will need 24-hour hospice care. Thank you, Maxwell.

HOST
Why do I bother? Good night, everyone!

FADE OUT.