Beep... | Teen Ink


April 29, 2010
By roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 109 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Then again, where she was stayed black at all times. She knew she was not alone; she was almost never alone. Where there were not voices or the soft scratching of a pencil, the constant beeping surrounded her. That beep, that steady beep haunted her day and night. She did not understand why. There was something condemning, mysterious, almost malicious about that beep, something wrong with it. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, low, muffled. What was the voice saying? She could not make it out. It was important; she could feel it. She had to know what the voice was saying, needed to know. Should she say something? Could she say something? Speak up! She heard footsteps; one two three people. Mom? Dad? More mumbling. Was that a gasp? Mom! Someone was…crying? The footsteps were coming closer, the crying coming closer. What was going on? The talking was being drowned out by the beep, that terrible beeping. It was louder than it had been. She must find out what the voices were saying. Her breathe was growing shallow. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
Someone was touching her hand. She tried to grasp it but her own hand refused to move. Mom! Nothing would move. What was happening? She screamed but nothing came out, no one could hear. She needed to hear them. She needed to be heard! And that beeping! Stop! It was growing louder still, enclosing her in its sound. She screamed again. Mom! Dad! Please here me! Please don’t cry! The hand left hers. They could not hear her. The footsteps receded; no one was speaking anymore, a door slammed. She was alone; she was alone with the beep. It was the only thing she knew, the only thing that mattered anymore; everything else was gone. Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep…beep…beep…beep.

Similar Articles


This article has 37 comments.

on Jun. 7 2010 at 5:05 pm
HeatherBee BRONZE, I Live In, Texas
1 article 0 photos 1979 comments

Favorite Quote:
Go on and try to tear me down. I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

heh i got to say, wen i saw it was thriller genre, i was hesitating to read it, then i thought 'well not every thriller is scary' cuz i really dont like being scared:P so im reallly glad i read this! it was a great, exciting story. i can also kinda relate so yeah, im happy to hav read this!! good workk

on Jun. 7 2010 at 4:31 pm
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 109 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

haha thanks! i never would have caught that! im terrible with grammar!!! i appreciate you reading my work!! thanks for the comment!

on Jun. 7 2010 at 4:25 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Now how am I supposed to be malicious about that?  I did notice one grammar mishap- "Then again, where she was stayed black all the times."

But other than that, great.  This reminded me of Poe, to be truthful.

EllieK. BRONZE said...
on Jun. 7 2010 at 3:23 pm
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of

This was really good. The repetitiveness was what made it so powerful and though it was short, it was still amazing. Keep writing. I want to read more.

on Jun. 7 2010 at 3:15 pm
Wellington BRONZE, Ann Arbor, Michigan
2 articles 0 photos 44 comments

Favorite Quote:
A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits.
Richard M. Nixon

you had a really good meaning throughout. check  out some of mine?

on Jun. 7 2010 at 2:21 pm
--LoveHappens--, Fairfield, Connecticut
0 articles 0 photos 342 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A friend is someone who knows you, but loves you anyway"

I figured out what was happening at the end of the first paragraph and I really liked how you portrayed. It was scary yet sad when I realized she was ill. But your writing is great I love the flow and rhythm you had great job I love it. Your idea is fresh, I have never heard it before great job!!!

on Jun. 7 2010 at 12:39 pm
J.Octavian.R SILVER, Lake Nebagamon, Wisconsin
5 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.
C. S. Lewis

A very interesting piece. When I first figured out she was in a coma... at the end of the first paragraph... I doubted that you could continue in the same style of repetitive sentences and slow rhythm and still create a strong emotional pull. I was wrong. You defenitely had a strong emotional appeal in the story and instilled a feeling of sympathy for your character.

I think that because of the constant repetition of the word "beep" repetition of other words in the story is tiresome. And so if when you make repetitive statements you could vary the vocabulary a bit more it would help the story flow better. On a whole though I enjoyed this.


on Jun. 7 2010 at 9:03 am
itsdariannnn BRONZE, Pensacola Fl, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your journey starts with your first step

ok im all for leaving questions, but some answers would be nice. if this was just to keep me turning the pae then great! but if this is it i want more answers!

on Jun. 5 2010 at 1:55 pm
AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
6 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dont bend facts to suit theories, rather theories to suit facts.' Unknown

I also think the insight to the mind of someone in a coma is very origional, although I was thrown of by the repetion in almost every line. I love the feeling of curiosity whilst reading this piece, though, very clever. Well done. Aoifex (P.S. thanks for reading some of my work) Sorry I took so long to comment, hha.

on Jun. 3 2010 at 2:41 pm
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 109 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

I really appreciate this guys! Of course I'll try to continue to write more so thank you for your views :D

on Jun. 3 2010 at 2:16 pm
aaaaaqweqweqwe SILVER, Somewhere, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 67 comments

very very good, but also creepy because i just recently wrote a story with a similar frame of mind for a short story contest. great minds think alike, huh?

good job, and be sure to check out some of my work if you get the chance :)

on Jun. 3 2010 at 10:09 am
GoodmorningSweetheart BRONZE, Bloomington, Indiana
2 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
From Thomas the Rhymer:
"O see ye not that narrow road,
So thick beset with thorns and briers?
That is the path of righteousness,
Tho after it but few enquires."

Roxy, I love the idea of seeing into the mind of a girl in a coma. I think that is very original.


You asked me if I thought the beginning caught my attention. I have to admit it didn't really strike me until the story was finished and you ended with the same line. In that way it was a good beginning that you shouldn't change.


Also, I think it would benefit you if you added more spacing to indicate pauses.

For example:

"Was that a gasp?


Someone was...crying?"


Overall "Beep..." was well written and a delight to read. This could become an interesting plot for a larger story if you decide to do so.

on Jun. 3 2010 at 2:17 am
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 109 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

hahaha she didn't have a sickness per say.  it was from the mind of a girl in a coma.  Thanks so much for your thoughts :)

on Jun. 2 2010 at 6:12 pm
ajkstarr BRONZE, Herndon, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."- Margaret Mead

I liked the moment when you figured out what the beep was. Very cool! I agree with katie-cat, I still have some unanswered questions

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 2 2010 at 2:33 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

This was good; very expressive and interesting.  The only thing is, I wish there was more.  What's wrong with her?  What kind of illness does she have?  Does she even have an illness?  Is she paralyzed?  It left me with questions afterwards.  But, still, it was really good.  Keep it up!

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 1 2010 at 8:56 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.

Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn't have any rings

Wow this was very powerful it had me thinking afterwords, I had just one problem which was the first 2 sentences, they was not very catchy and they said black to many times, keep writing. 

burnt-toast said...
on Jun. 1 2010 at 10:59 am
wow. this is the shortest thing i've read so far on this site.. but I'm almost certain it was the best. It was incredibly well written, you have a very mature writing style, excellent variety of sentences. I couldn't find any little thing to criticise or improve upon, other than that I want more! tell me there's going to be more...! i loved this piece.