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Beep...
Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Then again, where she was stayed black at all times. She knew she was not alone; she was almost never alone. Where there were not voices or the soft scratching of a pencil, the constant beeping surrounded her. That beep, that steady beep haunted her day and night. She did not understand why. There was something condemning, mysterious, almost malicious about that beep, something wrong with it. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, low, muffled. What was the voice saying? She could not make it out. It was important; she could feel it. She had to know what the voice was saying, needed to know. Should she say something? Could she say something? Speak up! She heard footsteps; one two three people. Mom? Dad? More mumbling. Was that a gasp? Mom! Someone was…crying? The footsteps were coming closer, the crying coming closer. What was going on? The talking was being drowned out by the beep, that terrible beeping. It was louder than it had been. She must find out what the voices were saying. Her breathe was growing shallow. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
Someone was touching her hand. She tried to grasp it but her own hand refused to move. Mom! Nothing would move. What was happening? She screamed but nothing came out, no one could hear. She needed to hear them. She needed to be heard! And that beeping! Stop! It was growing louder still, enclosing her in its sound. She screamed again. Mom! Dad! Please here me! Please don’t cry! The hand left hers. They could not hear her. The footsteps receded; no one was speaking anymore, a door slammed. She was alone; she was alone with the beep. It was the only thing she knew, the only thing that mattered anymore; everything else was gone. Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep…beep…beep…beep.
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This article has 37 comments.
Now how am I supposed to be malicious about that? I did notice one grammar mishap- "Then again, where she was stayed black all the times."
But other than that, great. This reminded me of Poe, to be truthful.
A very interesting piece. When I first figured out she was in a coma... at the end of the first paragraph... I doubted that you could continue in the same style of repetitive sentences and slow rhythm and still create a strong emotional pull. I was wrong. You defenitely had a strong emotional appeal in the story and instilled a feeling of sympathy for your character.
I think that because of the constant repetition of the word "beep" repetition of other words in the story is tiresome. And so if when you make repetitive statements you could vary the vocabulary a bit more it would help the story flow better. On a whole though I enjoyed this.
very very good, but also creepy because i just recently wrote a story with a similar frame of mind for a short story contest. great minds think alike, huh?
good job, and be sure to check out some of my work if you get the chance :)
Roxy, I love the idea of seeing into the mind of a girl in a coma. I think that is very original.
You asked me if I thought the beginning caught my attention. I have to admit it didn't really strike me until the story was finished and you ended with the same line. In that way it was a good beginning that you shouldn't change.
Also, I think it would benefit you if you added more spacing to indicate pauses.
For example:
"Was that a gasp?
Mom!
Someone was...crying?"
Overall "Beep..." was well written and a delight to read. This could become an interesting plot for a larger story if you decide to do so.
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