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It had been a very quite night on Dawson Road. Every house had no trace of light in it. Martin Straitt was standing under a street light that illuminated the road with a yellow hue. His head was constantly shifting back and forth, looking up and down the empty street. The expression on his face seemed extremely anxious, as if he couldn’t wait to leave. His arms were wrapped around his body for warmth as the winds increased in speed.
Suddenly, two bright headlights appeared up the road. Martin’s face began to grow pale as the car approached. He stepped onto the sidewalk as a cherry red Chevy Camaro pulled up to the side of the curb. The driver of the high-class vehicle was none other than the infamous Dr. Pineapple.
“Well, well.” said Pineapple. “I’m shocked that you would actually show up. Are you ready for our night on the town?”
“I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t here.” answered Martin in a nervous voice.
“Excellent! Then it’s off to the theatre… by the way, wipe that frown off your face. Tonight is supposed to be a night of merriment! We won’t have any killjoys here! No sir!” Martin gave him a very agitated look and entered the vehicle. Pineapple entered the driver’s seat and drove away into the night.
Martin had been dreading this night for weeks. All of his friends thought he was becoming a nervous wreck for the past few days. He wouldn’t come out of his house for three days because the distress was turning him into an absolute recluse. Now, Martin may have been nervous about this night, but it was essential that he confronted Dr. Pineapple tonight. If he didn’t, the consequences would be dire.
About a month ago, Martin’s wife Ashley left the house for groceries, and she never returned. The next day, Martin received a VHS tape in the mail. Attached to the tape was a Post-It note that read “WATCH ME NOW IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR WIFE AGAIN POOPY PANTS”. The tape was revealed to be a short music video for Duran Duran’s Hungry like the Wolf. Martin had no idea what this meant, but he watched the full video to make sure he wouldn’t miss anything. At the end of the video, there was a silhouette man on the screen with an important message.
“If you want to see your wife alive again, I’ll meet you outside 157 Dawson Road at 9:30 PM, three weeks from now. Don’t even think about brining the police, or else she’s as good as dead. I dare not give away my identity, so how about you just call me Dr. Pineapple. See you then Poopy Pants!” When the screen went to distorted static, Martin’s mouth was left agape. His stomach twisted and turned at the thought of what would transpire, but he was willing to make sure that his beloved Ashley was unharmed.
From the minute Dr. Pineapple shifted the gears of the car, Martin’s burning curiosity about Ashley broke out.
“I don’t know what you have planned tonight Pineapple,” said Martin “but you’re not intimidating me. So what is it you’ve done with Ashley?”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about her Marty.” Pineapple replied. “She’s safe and sound at my house. I haven’t harmed her or tortured if that’s what you thought I was doing. She’s been fed three square meals a day and is well taken care of. I take it upon myself to make sure that my guests are treated with the utmost respect!” Martin gave him an unconvinced look of doubt. “Well it’s true! Trust me, would I lie to you?”
“Judging from what you’ve done already I would say so.”
“This attitude of yours better improve or else we’re not going to have any fun tonight!” That sentence made Martin’s mind imagine a slew of gruesome circumstances that might occur tonight. Would he have to steal anything? Would his life be at risk? Would have to murder someone?
Ten minutes later, the Camaro pulled into the local movie theater.
“Well, here we are!” said Dr. Pineapple.
“What are we going to do?” asked Martin.
“It’s not what we’re doing; it’s what YOU’RE doing!” That made Martin extremely nauseas as he thought of what he might have to do.
“I’m not going to hurt anyone if that’s what you were thinking.”
“Don’t worry; it’ll be over in less than five seconds. Now, you’re going to need this…” As Dr. Pineapple reached under his seat, Martin’s eyes widened. His mind kept picturing either a gun or a knife to emerge when his arm lifted back up, but to his surprise… it was the farthest thing from it. It was a pink, fluffy feather duster with a bedazzled handle. “Say hello to my little friend!” An enormous load was lifted off Martin’s mind, but his now contentment was over powered by confusion.
“What do you want me to do with that thing?”
“In six minutes, a former associate of mine will be walking out of those doors. Let’s just say that he has stolen some very personal items of mine from a room in my house dedicated to Rocky and Bullwinkle. I needed a way enact my vengeance upon him, but I knew I can’t do it myself. I have the most obvious motive! That’s why I need someone that has no connection to him to do this dastardly deed…YOU!”
“But why me? I don’t even know you! In fact, how do even know who I am!?”
“I saw you and your wife at Wal-Mart a month ago while I was buying dog panties. When you left the store I decided to follow you home! I’ve checked up on you every day till your precious Ashley left the house, and that’s when I kidnapped her! End of story!”
There was a brief pause. Martin needed a moment to take in the insanity, and the shock of what had just been told.
“…What’s wrong with you!?”
“Look, we can spend all night talking about how brilliant I am, or we could get to work. The faster we do this, the faster you get to see Ashley again!” As confused as Martin was, Ashley was his top priority, and wanted her back as soon as possible.
“Okay, okay, fine. What do I have to do?”
“He’ll be coming out in six minutes. All you have to do is use this to tickle his nose! Then you’ll run back to the car, and we’ll be gone in a flash! He’ll have a long purple beard and will be wearing an Alf shirt, so you won’t miss him.” At this point, Martin stopped being surprised by what Pineapple told him, and accepted his fate.
When Martin exited the vehicle with his feather duster, he was already too late to be discrete. Walking of the theater was the man with the purple beard and the Alf shirt.
“That’s him!” yelled Doctor Pineapple. “The element of surprise has escaped you Martin! You have to attack head on!” All of the nervousness that Martin had felt already left his body. Tickling a man with a feather duster was not the most heinous crime in the world, so he didn’t treat the action with enough care as Pineapple hoped. He casually sauntered over to the man, and wiggled the feather duster under his nose.
“What the hell was that for?” asked the man.
“I have no idea man,” said Martin. He then proceeded to walk back to the car, get in, and they drove away.
Dr. Pineapple was cackling like a hyena for the next five minutes. His vengeance was taken, and he was pleased.
“Alright Pineapple, I did what you wanted, now where’s Ashley!?” demanded Martin.
“Don’t worry poopy pants!” said Dr. Pineapple. “Just pull over to the side of the road and I’ll get her out of the trunk.”