Downfall | Teen Ink

Downfall

April 29, 2013
By GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
17 articles 0 photos 495 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's tell young people the best books are yet to be written; the best painting, the best government, the best of everything is yet to be done by them."
-John Erslcine


Fingers slip.




I watch as he falls. The rain made it impossible for him to hold on any longer. The ledge was too small for nice weather, much less this downfall. The street and city lights below him almost make it look like he wasn’t falling, but rather flying upward into the stars of the heavens.




His eyes are still locked on mine. Even now, as he hurtles farther and farther away from me, I can feel them boring into me. I can still see them in my mind. They were full of questions. He didn’t understand. And now, I guess he never would.




Below, cars honk as he reaches his final destination. I slowly stand and make my way away from the edge of the building. The cops would probably be up here soon to check the scene. They’ll probably rule his death as suicide. After all, he did have a very troubled life and no one he knows has a clue about me. I was his little secret.



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This article has 9 comments.


Beila BRONZE said...
on Feb. 24 2015 at 12:12 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 519 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

This story is short and impactful. The fresh perspective really drew me in. One thing I have to point out is that you seemed a little unclear of what tense you were writing in, which messed a little bit with the overall flow. However, the mysterious air surrounding the narrator and the chilling way he/she describes this fatal fall up to the stars make this a really cool and original piece. I loved it!

RealRiter GOLD said...
on Feb. 23 2015 at 6:27 pm
RealRiter GOLD, Astoria, Oregon
10 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I did not fail 101 times, but I simply found 101 ways that did not work." -Thomas Edison

Hahaha wow that is funny, nice job! Great work, creative writer!

on Jul. 23 2013 at 10:27 pm
Stella_Val_Illicia GOLD, Salt Lake City, Utah
13 articles 0 photos 248 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."
--Douglas Adams

It's kind of scary in an odd way, and I really like that about it. I like the creepy feel from the end where you realize it's sort of from the point of view of the person who killed him, and I love stories like that. We so often get into the victim or the bystander's mind, but we rarely get the point of view of the killer. There were a couple grammatical errors I noticed (past/present tense, little things like that) but the story was great!

on May. 25 2013 at 8:54 pm
nautiicaled BRONZE, Elk Grove, California
1 article 0 photos 28 comments
Ah a wonderful piece. It surely left me wanting to read more. You can really feel the questions and answers just lingering in the air so I really like this. :)

on May. 23 2013 at 9:55 am
E.J.Mathews GOLD, International Falls, Minnesota
19 articles 2 photos 145 comments
Very good. You created a very intricate story in not very many words at all. You let the reader's imgaination take hold and fill in the blanks. Great job.

on May. 21 2013 at 6:21 pm
GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
17 articles 0 photos 495 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's tell young people the best books are yet to be written; the best painting, the best government, the best of everything is yet to be done by them."
-John Erslcine

Aww, Thanks. :) You're too kind.

Hanban12 ELITE said...
on May. 21 2013 at 5:14 pm
Hanban12 ELITE, Lake Worth, Florida
133 articles 7 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
Henry David Thoreau

"I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once."
John Green

Wow! I love it! I love how you keep it a secret how he REALLY died, and i love how the reader can leave it to his/her own imagination as to what happens next. Awesome detail and imagery! Im really impressed!! :P Your such an amazing writer!

on May. 4 2013 at 9:01 pm
GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
17 articles 0 photos 495 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's tell young people the best books are yet to be written; the best painting, the best government, the best of everything is yet to be done by them."
-John Erslcine

Thank you! :D I'm glad your caught onto the title like that. :)

whiterose GOLD said...
on May. 4 2013 at 4:23 pm
whiterose GOLD, Independence, Missouri
14 articles 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
The future lies before you, like a field of fallen snow; be careful how you tread it, for every step will show.

WOW!!! It's so short and I think that's what makes it so GREAT!  There's no long introductions, you just drop the bomb on the readers.  I loved it :)  I also like how you put the rain and the 'jumper' into the title.  Downfall, that's a super creative name :) Keep writing :)