Vampires Suck | Teen Ink

Vampires Suck

November 12, 2014
By x-CaptainMonica-x BRONZE, Alpena, Michigan
x-CaptainMonica-x BRONZE, Alpena, Michigan
3 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's not a statement as much as just a move of passion."

Vampires are foul, loathsome creatures that can be found in almost any part of the world. Terrorizing humankind since before medieval times, they are forces of pure evil, bound for eternity to walk this earth with an insatiable bloodlust. It is imperative to our survival to know how to identify them and, most importantly, how to kill them. This can prove to be a most difficult task, as vampires are not only cunning and elusive, but are also evolving and advancing right beside us at an alarming rate. There is no need to fear, however. As long as you follow these guidelines, you should be out slaying some monsters of your own in no time!

    Before you can go about exterminating a vampire, you must first know how to recognize one. Vampires are uncannily humanoid and can be immensely hard to spot sometimes. They are cryptic and often charismatic to the extreme, yet there are telltale signs that pierce through any facade. Physically, vampires tend to be very fluid and agile. Their sallow skin is cold and clammy; their lips come in varying shades of blue and purple. Look for dark circles under their dilated, almost feral eyes. They naturally emit a stale odor and may compensate with copious amounts of perfume.

In addition to these physical attributes, be wary of anyone who insists on being invited into your home--if you suspect someone may be a vampire, then now is the time to lay manners to rest and get on the defensive. Merely leave your door open and enter your home without saying a word. If you find your visitor is still standing at the threshold, chances are you’re in the company of the undead. As well as not being able to enter your home uninvited, vampires do not have reflections, they will not show up in photographs, and they cannot consume actual food.

    Now that you are able to distinguish vampires from humans, it’s time to begin hunting them. Yes, that’s right--you must seek them out. When it comes to vampires, it’s kill or be killed. You will be shown no mercy if one of these beasts happens upon you. It is best to simply find them first. As I previously stated, vampires can be found almost anywhere. They frequent dark, dank places such as cemeteries, abandoned buildings, forests, and caves. However, they can also be found slinking about alleyways and public parks. Be careful where you tread after sunset. Something as seemingly harmless as wandering through an empty parking lot unprepared could very well be the last thing you ever do.

    When it comes to an actual confrontation, there are several things that you can use to defend yourself. Garlic is extremely poisonous to vampires; the scent alone is enough to repel one. Salt and mistletoe are also deadly to the vampire, though they prove to be useless unless ingested. Powdered mountain ash can be found at your local apothecary and has been used to ward off supernatural beings for centuries. Sprinkle the perimeter of your house and no vampire can get to you. Even in the midst of an attack, simply sprinkling the powder in a circle around yourself will create a barrier between you and the demon. Holy water, rosaries, crucifixes--just about any religious talisman will make a vampire keep its distance. If, however, these are all you came prepared with and a vampire succeeds in getting them away from you, run and hope for the best. Perhaps if you come out still human, you will take the possibility of future encounters more seriously.

While these defenses will all buy you more time in the face of a vampire, the most surefire way to defeat one of these beings--other than direct sunlight--is to drive a wooden stake through the heart. Any type of wood will do, though ash is naturally the most effective, due to its magickal properties. Once the stake is buried deep within your vampire’s chest, there is only a limited amount of time to dispose of it before it wakes up. In order to ensure that it doesn’t come back, you must remove the head, burn the body, and scatter the ashes as far and wide as possible. In the event that the vampire recovers before you can complete this task, do not fret. It will be in a very weakened state and can be easily overpowered again. Still proceed with caution though. The vampire could just as easily grab hold of your neck and replenish its strength on your life force.

For centuries, humans have lived in fear of vampires. Those unfortunate enough to encounter one meet a slow, tortuous end. Even more unfortunate are those who happen to survive their attacks, left to transform into leaching abominations, unable to live, unable to die.

This is the end of an era. The time to rise up and conquer this evil, to save our species is now.

Good luck.

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