An Accidental Witness to Gaslighting

Over the past couple of years, the term “gaslighting” has been consistently brought up in my conversations and interactions. I have always been aware that the term referred to a type of manipulation, but the deeper meaning of being “gaslighted” is something that I did not fully understand until I witnessed and experienced it firsthand. 

Just recently, Merriam-Webster identified “gaslighting” as the 2022 “word of the year”. Regardless of the detailed definition that the company provides of this term, I believe that a deeper comprehension of this word comes from being able to spot the types and different scenarios in which one is gaslighting or being gaslighted.

Gaslighting relationships in teenage years, such as the ones I am going through now, may look different than the “usual” relational gaslighting where a manipulative partner wants to sow seeds of doubt in their gaslightee – causing them to second guess their self-worth, character and their sanity. In teen years it could be an anxious mom trying to change her daughters mind by using whatever comes to her mind that could be used to influence or it could be a one-time interaction where your friend lies to get out of a tough spot and you end up second guessing yourself.

Why am I talking about gaslighting?

The word gaslighting has become more frequently used recently, especially with my friends at school. I wonder if these same friends know the real meaning of this word and the consequences of it. After having the opportunity to work with Dr. Robin Stern for the past year, I have learned more about what gaslighting is and what the effects of it can be. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that is intended to undermine a person's beliefs and change their perception of things. I have witnessed many of my friends tolerate and invest in a gaslighting relationship where they began to second guess their own reality until something happened that they “woke up”, named the gaslighting and worked hard to stop it or leave the relationship.

A Story about Nathalie/ Witnessing Gaslighting/ Witnessing Nathalie’s Gaslighting

My sweet friend, Natalie was one of the people I witnessed - and, unfortunately, I saw her gaslighted by her own mom. After spring break a few months ago, I accidentally overheard a conversation between Natalie and her mother. My friend said she was offered tickets to a very cool concert at the beginning of the summer, after school is over - and asked her mom permission to go.  Her mother replied with, “I don’t care when the concert is.  From what I hear only druggies go to that kind of concert. It's not safe, good girls don’t do things like that. Find something else to do with your friends.  The answer is no.” Natalie was crushed. She wanted to have the experience of the concert, and certainly knew she was not a druggie - in fact, she thought her mother was being ridiculous. She decided to keep asking anyway.  Natalie was someone who just didn’t give up. She lobbied hard to go - she told her mom all the safety precautions about the event, she told her she would text her multiple times during the event, she told her that all her friends were going (her mom likes her friends). She reminded her what a good student she is.  Her mom kept up her end of insisting and repeating with certainty. “Don’t you know who goes to those concerts?  Bad girls with dark futures. Druggies who can’t control themselves. Think about your decision making!”  She ripped an article out of the paper about a drug overdose at a concert.  She talked at dinner about the bad kids who got COVID at a big party - that followed a local concert.  Her mom was relentless.  She tried consistently with several different tactics to get Natalie to believe that she was not capable of making good decisions. Her mom’s strategy worked.  Over the few months since then, Natalie began to wonder if maybe her mom wasn’t so ridiculous.  Maybe she had a point, maybe she wasn’t so good at making decisions. Maybe concerts were a place for girls with dark futures, maybe she had no place there. Maybe there was something about her - some hidden desire - that her mom noticed and she couldn’t see. Even worse than making bad decisions, was she one of those girls?

 Natalie began to second guess her evaluation of the situation - and worse, the ripple effect was that she thought maybe she should take a look at other decisions she is making too.  Her mother influenced her to not trust her judgment or her ability to make decisions about real world opportunities she is offered. My other friends and I knew her mom was just saying stuff to keep her from going, to keep her home.  We knew that her mother believed she was protecting Natalie from the dangers of the world.  But, the impact? The impact was that Natalie felt shaky - like she couldn’t think through a problem or an invitation or ….” With her confidence undermined, Natalie told us that she felt insecure about her ability to navigate other real-world situations she may face in high school and beyond. 

As an accidental witness to this dynamic with Natalie and her mother, I felt that speaking a couple of words of encouragement to Natalie was necessary. The next week, during lunch, I approached Natalie and we spoke about the concert she wanted to go to so badly. She explained to me that her mind was slowly changing and she felt that she wouldn’t “fit in” with the kinds of kids who choose to go to these concerts. It shocked me at how much her opinion had changed in just a week's time. I shared with Natalie my own thinking that just because she wanted to go to a concert with her friends, that does not make her a bad kid. I stepped in, as a third voice in the situation, and encouraged Natalie that doing something that she wanted to do did not make her a bad person.

When Gaslighting Happened to Me

After this encounter with Natalie, I stepped back to think about times where this kind of gaslighting could have happened to me. I thought about how I stepped in as a third voice for Natalie in her situation, and wished there was someone who helped me reclaim my reality when I was gaslighted by a friend. There was a moment where a friend of mine, Sarah, and I had a conversation about how she wanted this pair of red sneakers. I liked them too so I told her that they seemed “really cool” and if she wanted them then she should get them. Later on in the day, at lunch time, we ended up in a group together talking. Another friend of mine pulled up the same red shoes and called them “hilarious” and a “joke to be seen in”. Because of Sarah being present, I stepped up and said I thought they looked cute. Sarah immediately dissed me and proceeded to agree with the other girls in the group calling them ugly. I turned to Sarah and asked what she was talking about because earlier on she had said they were here “dream shoes”. Sarah's response was “that must've not been me because those words never came out of my mouth” and “I don't know what you think you heard”. From this, I began to question if I had misheard what Sarah said or if I had made it up. 

This was a gaslighting moment for me. Someone insisted that they were right and that I was wrong, and I started to overthink whether or not my own perception of what happened was right. Sarah and I did not have a gaslighting friendship, but it was a gaslighting interaction that we had. I felt, first hand, the power of gaslighting through a singular moment. I was second guessing my own understanding. Through this, it is clear to me that if a person is gaslighted every day that their perception of life and what they think they know is constantly being changed. In the moment of the situation, I was confused and left the situation because I believed it was a silly thing to fight about. However, later in the day when I was alone, I revisited the situation to remind myself that what I heard was accurate, and I am not wrong. I pay attention now, to my beliefs and my own reality and I make sure that I am aware when a person tries to knock down that reality. I value my own ability to see things clearly now, because the feeling that Sarah gave me is not something I want to feel again.

Keeping My Life Gaslight Free/ How Do You Keep Your Life Gaslight Free

Going forward, I am committed to being more aware when gaslighting conversations are happening. The conversations above have had an impact on my own thoughts. Knowing this and trying to be careful in my encounters is what will keep me self-aware when gaslighting conversations are happening. The feelings that my encounter with Sarah evoked for me are not ones that I want to feel again. I do not want to question my own beliefs, or have a confused sense of reality. I will look out for reality twisting phrases such as “you did not do that” or “that did not happen” to spot gaslighting moments. These words suggest that the person explaining something is wrong. Instead, I will do my best to hold onto my own reality -- trust my perception and memory. 

I will practice phrases that stop the gaslighter in their tracks or at least get me out of the conversation. Phrases like this: “We will have to agree to disagree”, “I just don't see it that way” or “I hear you, but I know what I saw/heard". I know it will be important, for me not just to recognizing gaslighting when it's happening, but to do something to stop it or leave the conversation. I believe we all can practice trusting ourselves, especially when the person gaslighting you is a family member or a good friend, and it's tempting to believe them.