Here at Oil Industries, we care about our employees. That’s why we are happy to unveil our newly revised operational procedures to make sure all of our workers can enjoy a safe and efficient workplace. It’s important that we adapt and overcome together as the world constantly changes around us. As the temperature increases worldwide, we will stay cool, calm, and collected together.

Of course, we are doing all we can to reduce our carbon footprint and minimize impact. All of our refineries and drilling facilities are pumping out oil at maximum efficiency thanks to fully renewable energy sources. We strike an elegant balance between green energy and effectiveness so that customers around the world can keep fueling anything their gas-guzzling hearts desire. As the tides continue to rise, we work hard to make sure they have the gas they need to move their belongings inland.

One change we plan to implement immediately is in the realm of construction. You may have noticed one or two articles in the news speaking of oil drilling operations that failed due to water levels exceeding the height of the refineries themselves. We want to assure you that the oil losses in those incidents were minimal and left our bottom line largely unaffected. That said, any older platforms without flotation devices will now be required to be outfitted with flotation devices that will suspend the drill safely on the surface of the water no matter how high the tides rise.

Some silly labor unions are complaining about long workdays in the sweltering heat of the day. We hear you, and we are ready to make some changes to ensure your comfort. Each supply room will be equipped with SPF 90 sunscreen free to employees. Also, fans will now operate all hours of the day inside the supply rooms so that you may relax in comfort during your 15-minute breaks. (Alas, breaks over 15 minutes will still result in termination and your removal from the premises.) The new fan policy should prevent all heat exhaustion and passing out if break time is used effectively. It is your responsibility to get home safely. Keep this in mind when you think about passing out from the heat and make sure you have a ride in order 30 minutes in advance if you plan to. (Oil Industries is not responsible for drownings resulting from the firing of unprepared offshore drilling employees.)

Oil Industries would also like to take the opportunity to remind employees that they are not responsible for your eating or drinking while on site. Please be careful to ration out your money so that you can afford to continue to work. Unlike Oil Industries, Agricultural Industries is continuing to hike up prices as farmable land is lost. For this reason, Oil Industries will be rolling back our former worker relief programs. The canteens will be closing and no longer offering our clean water and cracker specials. Please be sure to plan accordingly, so you can stay a part of the Oil Industries family!

It has come to our attention that certain members of our Oil Industries family have been found participating in activities not sanctioned by management. As you can see from our updates, your health and happiness matter greatly to us! We would like to take this opportunity to reiterate that all complaints be issued to your superior and not any outside sources. Unions, media, and environmental protection agencies all make it much harder for Oil Industries to run effectively. By doing your part and reporting issues in-house, you help streamline the process to positive change. We are very happy to handle the hassle of coordinating with others for you so that you can have all the good changes with less of the stress! Also remember, spreading any rumors of employees getting fired after making requests or complaints is a fireable offense!

This concludes the changes that we will be making today, but be sure to stay informed and read any future internal memos as we forge on in this brave new world. The few scientists that didn’t walk out on us years ago are working hard on some exciting, new, faster-burning fuel that Oil Industries will be pushing out soon. We understand that the world is a scary place and Oil Industries is happy to be the one stable thing in our employees' lives. Rain or shine, come hell or high water, every hour of every day, Oil Industries will be here with you until the very end. Which may be sooner than you think.