The Invisible Beast | Teen Ink

The Invisible Beast

October 1, 2018
By Reporter4ever SILVER, Hemet, California
Reporter4ever SILVER, Hemet, California
7 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Everyday we get up and the next thing we do is crucial. We think. Do you think about someone? Something? Are you thinking about your plans for the day like I am? I know the minute I throw my newly awoken feet on the cold linoleum floor I know what my plan is for the day. My brain begins a contest with my feet to see who can move the most efficiently and swiftly. Each with a goal of their own, my feet rushing to the meds cabinet and my brain, oh my poor brain. Normally a prestien, well oiled machine failing to even maintain a  complete thought. My feet running on schedule, stop recognizing cabinets, my arms are now in full motion reaching for my little bottle of focus. As I turn to begin the day, my brain cries out as a flood of thoughts rush in, I then feel something seize my throat and refuse to let go. I beg my brain to get free of the hold but it just responds with a series of lists and jobs to be done. I know I have to keep moving, I can't stop now, I’m fine, I gotta move, let’s go come on feet move move move. I push the aching feeling in my throat to the back of my aching brain. The sun begins to rise and with the sun brings some serenity, but with that comes anxiety. As I close my eyes he serenity washes over me like warm, weightless waves lapping over my entire body slightly relaxing the grip over my throat. Just as quickly as the grip loosened it comes back two times tighter and now instead of calming me the waves are crashing and pounding over me.  Again I know I have to keep moving, I continue down my mental checklist; teeth brushed, room cleaned, hair combed, and face washed. But wait, I look up into the mirror and all I see is purple bags and red spots. Make-up! I should be able to cover them up, maybe then i'll be able to see me. I can fit it in i have time to do my makeup, i know i really don't but if i keep telling myself i have time maybe i'll become true, I apply the goopy paints and suffocating powders. I make a mistake and try and wipe it off only to make it worse, smearing the black and brown liquid across my eyes. Ruined, 100% and completely ruined. I look to the clock to see if i have any time to fix the disaster that began to dry on my face. The grasp has now become a vise that has taken ahold of my body, there is not time i'm 20 minutes late for school. I shudder as the familiar and cruel feeling washes over me, and then I knew what the day had in store for me. The next hour is a complete blur until im sitting in the white holding cell I know as my geometry classroom. My teacher informs us of a quiz that is a quarter of our grade coming up this week, probably on Friday he said. That's ok I can study and I can do it it's going to be ok. Over the last hour the hold this invisible being has on me has become so tight I feel like a science fair volcano waiting to explode, any little thing could set me off. Ever so lightly I feel a girl tapping on my shoulder. I turn my head to see her, before I see her though I can hear hear music streaming from her earbuds, she asks me if I did the work. I respond quite confused not knowing what she was talking about. She explains that we had an essay due in English, next period. And like the science fair volcano my heart errups in rapid beats. The invisible hold has almost consumed me. My breath is being squeezed out of my throat only to erupt in hyperventilation. Like a fighter jet spiralling into a nosedive I have lost all control. The unknown grasp has made itself known, and it's name is Anxiety. In the back of my head I hear Mr.Stone tell us he's changed his mind and the quiz will be tomorrow, instantly I am completely consumed by the anxiety of everything I have to do. My heart speeds up and I can no longer hear anything, and my thoughts are competing with my celtic drum heart. I am holding myself together, my emotions are a tornado ripping it's way through my body. Again the next half an hour is a blur and I am suddenly sitting in a cold, sterile, white room, on a hard, squeaky, plastic bench my head rested on my knees. Im losing consciousness but i can't slow my breathing, my thinking is just as rapind: night classes, work, high school, test, study, clean, cook, baby sit, high school homework. Im all alone and im lost in the belly of the beast called anxiety


The author's comments:

My names mackenzie and im from  California. I love reading and science. I'm in the 10th grad and I love being in mrs.Browns English class


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