I sit on the cold leather seated chairs. Curled up in a gown two sizes too big. My Christmas fuzzy socks sticking out at the bottom. The smell of cleaning supplies is like burned into my nostrils from smelling it so often.I look back at the blank walls in the room that I stare at 24/7.  No bright happy pictures. Just empty boring walls. Kinda of like my life right now.

I often drift into this world where I don’t have to lay in a hospital bed most of my days. The life where I could play outside with my friends and not worry about getting sicker than I already am. I dream about the days I could just go to school like any other normal kid. But I guess that’s just not how life works. I’ve been in and out of this hospital for two years now. I practically have forgotten what it’s like to be able to eat normal food.

Last time I went outside was with my bestfriend about two years ago. She never knew that was the last time I would have a play date with her. But I did. That was my last day of freedom. Telling her the news was rough, but seeing her facial expressions was even tougher.

“Miss Smith, are you ready to start?”, asks a short doctor with a face covering.

  I snap back into reality trying to figure out how long I’ve been sitting here.

“Oh yeah!”, I reply with a bit of anxiousness.

“ Ok great! I will be right back.”, she replies.  

She returns in a matter of less than five minutes with two other doctors. I often wonder why I get so jittery before I go into treatment. I guess it’s because I know what’s going to happen each time.

The doctor requests me to lay down on the bed. As usual. They begin to clip me and hook me up to all these machines. why? What did I do to deserve this life? Will my life get better and become normal? Or will it stay like this continuously until I die out eventually like a fire.  I often go through these same exact thoughts and I still Haven’t found an answer yet. But someday, I will find a meaning to this life. It just might not be today.