While splendidly surfing the superfluous satires of Wikipedia, I stumbled upon a sight for sore eyes.

"Boston (pronounced /?b?st?n/ (help·info)) is the capital and largest city of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The city, also known as Beantown, is located in Suffolk County, Massachusetts, in the northeastern United States.[5] The largest city in New England, Boston is considered the economic and cultural center of the entire region.[6]"

What is this? Did America shed a blind eye to Texas? Has the amount of beans in Boston been exponentially increasing since Lincoln's assassination? That's the only way I can see such a name be fit for Boston and nowhere else. Have you been to a small town called San Antonio? I have, and if you're lucky enough to be born there (most infants die prematurely because of malnutrition due to only being fed beans), your first postnatal meal will most certainly be a plate of beans.

I've an explanation, I say. They're planning against them. They've grown tired of their resources, such as dirt and George W. Bush, so they're cutting them loose. Take away their titles and treat them as if they don't exist, that's the name of America's game. It's only a matter of time before they are seceded completely, and treated as criminals! But they'll show them who's clever.

Strike, I say, and we shall do it at dusk. Show those no-good scalawags what a true American is like, and set fire to this so-called Beantown. Then, when it is burned to the ground, we will build a new city, entirely out of well-sculpted refried beans. Then we'll show them what a true beantown looks like.

How red in the face those rapscallion politicians will be when they see their most-cherished city in mushy ruins.