REECE
“FAT AND GREASY LITTLE REECE-Y!” Mick screamed at me as he aimed bullets at me from his pistol. Theo was dead in the doorway, trying to make his escape. I threw myself over the counter, into the bartender, smashing his entire collection of rare wine. He was mad, then shoved his head into a beer keg. I think that makes sense…
“Brace yourselves!”
The drinks did not go as planned. I ripped a crowbar from a passing convict and winged it at Mick’s face. He pulled it out of the indentation in his frontal lobe, and broke it over his knee. Then he jumped, was hit by an airplane, and became a human pancake. And in the end, we’re all still friends.
THE END.

…Just kidding, it’s not. I think I dreamed up the last part. But we really shouldn’t have had those drinks. It was apple juice. I have zero tolerance for apple juice, I get really drunk.

THEO
Dude, there’s no alcohol in apple juice. You don’t need a ‘tolerance’. And in case people cared deeply about me, I’m not dead. That was just something that happened in Reece’s sick mind. And also in the writer’s sicker minds.

REECE
Shut up. Anyway, we had some drinks, had some conversations, shot some civilians. In other words, we bonded.  

MICK
Will you two slap-jacks quit the sap and get on with the plot? And, chief, if you’re reading this, we didn’t shoot anybody, ok? NOBODY WAS SHOT. NOBODY.

REECE
Alright, so let’s just pretend that never happened. We continued our mature conversation with our mature drinks that nothing bad happened afterwards. Theo mentioned something about this cat animal thing that is like extinct, but it isn’t…. I don’t know, and I don’t care. Mick got fired, so, that’s fun. We kept talking for a while about who knows what, and then the news came on. Well, it was always on, we just started to pay attention to it now.
“Breaking news! The 21st century gold rush has come! There have been common findings of gold recently in the town of Terlet, Pennsylvania. If you’re about to lose what’s in your wallet, this is what you’re looking for!”
We all have the same thought. “Guys, I know what we’re going to do.” I say excitedly.
“Yeah!” Theo agrees “Eat pie and binge watch the fourth through ninth seasons of Dora the Explorer!” Mick slaps him in the back of the head.
“No, idiot.” He says “We’re going to get the gold!”

MICK
Before we advance the plot any further, I just have to say this. Thanks a lot, guys. You got me FIRED! My boss called me up when I got home, to tell me that I was close to losing my job, so I  screamed back “EAT ME, PUNK!” Then he fired me. Anyway, we had to get the gold. We rented/stole an RV, then set google maps to Terlet. I had to drive these two bumbling idiots all the way from Utah to Pennsylvania. Reece began singing car songs with a guitar, after Theo poured his soda on the radio because he ‘didn’t like the song playing’. Reece was actually pretty good, but after a few songs Theo wanted a turn, and Reece made the mistake of giving him the guitar. Each time he said TERLET, he strung the guitar with a random chord. “WE’RE ON THE ROAD TO TERLET! WE’RE ON THE ROAD TO TERLET! WE’RE ON THE ROAD TO TERLET! AND I BROKE OUR RADIOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE!” Theo screamed, out of tune with both his voice and instrument. The windows in the car shattered. Theo decided to jump out one of those windows. I agreed.
“You know what, I’m done.” I elbow one of the windows and it breaks, and I jump out, rolling on the road. The car swerves off the highway, and into some dense weeds. I watch as the car makes 24 rotations into the open field. A few seconds after the car left the highway, Reece attempted to escape. He was halfway out the window, when his window hit the ground, and he was crushed. Throughout the whole ride, Theo continued to sing. While whipping around, the van filled the air with exhaust from the engine. In a more distant state, civilians heard “WE’RE ON THE WEEDS TO TERLET! WE’RE ON THE WEEDS TO TERLET! WE’RE ON THE WEEDS TO TERLET! AND I BROKE THE WINDOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEEEE!”

REECE
Theo. Never sing again. I almost died because of you. Your voice literally shattered the windows of my elderly neighbors van.
MICK
Wait, this van belonged to your elderly neighbor?! You said you stole it from a criminal.

REECE
I did. Herb, my 72 year old neighbor, was speeding. I jumped from a building, landed on the roof of this van, causing it to dent, then punched him through the driver’s seat window. He yelled at me, so I grabbed him by his hair, and whipped him out the window. Unfortunately, he was wearing a wig, so he only got halfway out the window, and the wig flew into six lanes of oncoming traffic. I wouldn’t let this old geezer beat me, so I stepped on his back, and kicked his sorry rump out the window, into the 6 lanes of oncoming traffic. The first thing that hit him was a motorcycle with a bumper sticker that read “Don’t mess with me or I’ll eat your liver.” And another one that read “Sons of Satan”.

MICK
You monster.

REECE
Hey, I got us a van.

THEO
So how’d you like my song?

MICK
Can we just skip this story to the part where we get to Pennsylvania? We’re wasting a lot of paper space talking back and forth through narration. *cough* *cough* Reece is a monster *cough* *cough*

THEO
So after another 6 hours of my lovely singing, we got to Pennsylvania. We had to go to the hospital real quick to untwist Reece’s twisted foot. I heard the yells from the emergency room as we waited outside for Reece. I don’t think the doctor had proper training… He was as qualified to perform operations as Mick is to be a police officer.

MICK
Watch yourself.

THEO
So this is where the story get’s good. Just to make up for the rest of the story being completely wacko. About a couple seconds later, Reece came limping out of the intensive care unit. Two mistakes noticed: first, I’m pretty sure that the doctor should have given him a cast. Second, I’m pretty sure that was supposed to last more than a couple seconds. I think the doctor should be arrested for malpractice. But, I’m not a cop, and Mick got fired, so it’s not my problem.
“Let’s go Reece.”
We went limping/walking out to our dented van.

MICK
After Reece regained his health, we set out towards the gold rush. We drive up to an open field in front of the mountain full of gold. The truck wobbled, and one piece broke off right after another. We slowed to a stop. We see two lone figures mining on the mountain side. We stick our heads through what remains of the windows, and look around. “Wow guys! We get first dibs!” Reece says happily. He starts to leave, but I look in the rear view mirror, and scream “STAY IN THE CAR!” Seconds later, a stampede thunders past us. It is made of lots of people. Greedy people with greedy cars and greedy bicyclists. Reece and Theo were in danger, and needed my assistance! I grabbed Theo by the collar and swiftly pulled him back into the van. All that training in the police force paid off. I guess all I needed was brains. I tried to grab  Reece next, but he was swept away by the wave of people looking for their gold. I saw his hand sink down in the crowd, like drowning in water. The atmosphere got really dense. The air seemed to get more polluted as big mining trucks passed by. But the worst part was that we were one of them.
“CHEAP SHOT!” I scream at the stampede of people thundering past us “GOING FOR THE CRIPPLE! SHOW SOME RESPECT YOU HEARTLESS SLUGS!”
“We gotta save him!” Theo said. I think he was more relieved by the fact that he didn’t get pulled under, than the fact that Reece did.
“I got a few things in the back!” I raced to the back of our truck. Skies got darker, things got more rough. I heard someone from outside say, “Hey! Let’s shake this truck back and forth!”, and a roar of cheering that followed. That couldn’t be good.

THEO
I saw Mick panic. I didn’t like seeing him like that. I didn’t like any of this. When I heard him say to grab anything, I just grabbed a bunch of pans… I don’t know! I’m under pressure. He suddenly pulled out two shields and machine guns from who knows where! He gave me one of each, and I put the pans in a big bag that I’d carry on my back. Then it was go time.

MICK
We grabbed our weapons and leapt into the thundering crowd. We swung our shields and opened fire with the machine guns, but it didn’t have any effect. Then I had an idea. I jumped on the back of one of the massive mining trucks, and climber to the top as it trampled the people, motorcycles, and cars in the stampede. Theo jumped on another one behind mine, and together, we rode to the front of the crowd. The driver of my truck looked out the window with a shotgun, and began firing at the other mining trucks. Apparently, he didn’t like the competition. Not surprising. What was surprising was that the drivers of the other mining trucks were also carrying shotguns and returned fire, filling the air with bullets. Theo and I ducked under the raging exchange of bullets, and jumped off, onto a smaller car. We looked around, back to back, our machine guns raised, looking for any threats. Unfortunately, the threat was coming from behind us at 80 miles per hour. We threw ourselves out of the way, as a monster truck came out of nowhere and crushed the small car. By then, we were near the front of the crowd, and could see a herd of crazed people carrying Reece’s limp body to the mountain. “A SACRIFICE TO THE MINING GOD!” One man screamed “I HOPE HE WILL BE PLEASED WITH THE BLOOD OF THIS DUDE!” Another roared. Theo and I opened fire at the crowd, and picked them off one by one. Then, swooping down, we grabbed Reece, and ran towards the mountain. On foot, we started sprinting, carrying Reece and shooting at the crowd. An airplane flew overhead, and the entire stampede looked up as the bottom burst open, and a horde of crazed people fell from 5,000 feet, some landing on the mountain, some right next to it. Some poor saps landed in the stampede, and were never heard from again. One guy in a car behind us had a TV, and while sprinting, we looked back to see what was happening. We saw an aerial view of us, two men carrying a body while running at full speed. The camera then zoomed out, and we saw a massive crowd of people, cars, bikes, and motorcycles, kicking up dust, and closing in on Theo and I. Reece then woke up and looked around, realizing the stampede behind us. “WHAT THE HECK?” He screamed. We dropped him on the ground and he started running. Still watching the guys TV, the camera zoomed out more, to reveal something horrifying. On the other side of the mountain, an equally large stampede of people was closing in. Theo saw it too, and as we reached the foot of the mountain, we threw ourselves at the ground and began digging in with our hands and guns. Seconds later, we saw the stampede on our side of the mountain jump as one over the ditch we made, as the other stampede met them in the air. Chaos ensued.

REECE
So there I was, looking out the window, when I was picked up by a horde of crazed lunatics. They screamed about ‘The mining god’ and stuff like that before they knocked me out. The next thing I know, Mick is carrying me at full sprint, as we are chased by a stampede of greedy rednecks. Then I start running too and we dive into a ditch, as two huge stampedes battle to the death above us. They smash into each other like colliding waves, and start using any and all weapons they have against each other. Clubs, guns, bazookas, bricks, C4, diapers, you name it, it was in the brawl. A car exploded near us, and Mick scrambled to pull a TV out of the burning wreck. He turned it on as we dug deeper into the mountain. It had a bird's-eye view of the battle raging above. The camera suddenly panned up to see a fleet of airplanes flying in formation. Doors flew open on each of the planes. And paratroopers jumped out, opening fire into the two warring stampedes. We dig into the mountain further, then the ground underneath me crumbles and I fall down into a cave, and I land on my arm. Ow.
“THEO! MICK! ANYBODY?” I scream. I hear it echo.
“REECE?” It was Theo.
“Yeah?” I yell back. “Is that you Theo!?”. I hear rustling from where I fell.
“REECE?” He screams
“THEO! It’s me!”
“REECE”
“YES, THEO”
“REECE!”
“THEO!
“REEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCEEEEEEEE!!!”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” It pauses. I don’t hear anything.
“Theo? What happened?”
“REEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCEEEEEE!!”
I hear the sound of somebody being smacked.
“Shut up! Just SHUT UP.”
That was Mick. Somebody gets smacked again, then I hear rocks falling, Mick swears, and seconds later, I hear a loud thump as a large object slams into the ground. I run closer.
“Theo? Is that you?”
“REEEECCCEEEE!”
Now I smack him.
“I’m right here you fool. What did you land on?” I turn on my flashlight, then gasp. I dropped my flashlight and it tumbled down, with the light shining on all the gold around it.

“MICK! THEO!” I scream “GOLD! I FOUND GOLD!” Theo scrambles up, and and Mick runs closer, forgetting the fall, then wipes out and lands in the pit on his knee. He curses the gods. Then he gets up and breaks out his pickaxe, as Theo pulls out a frying pan. They start digging and mining it up, while a battle rages on the surface.

FAT ENRIQUE
I’m lonely. I haven’t narrated for this whole story, and I am freaking out. I needed to say something sooner or later. You must be so confused. I have no relation to the story or the plot whatsoever.

MICK
Theo is a complete idiot. First, right as Reece disappears, he nails me in the head with his stupid frying pan, thinking I’m an enemy. Then, he gets into a shouting match with Reece, when we should be looking for him. Then when the screaming stops, he starts it up again, then I smack him. Of course when I smack him, he is standing over a pit, and he falls down. When I finally know what happened to Reece, Theo starts screaming again. Do you see what I have to work with here, people?

THEO
I heard that.

MICK
No. You don’t get to talk, you blundering oaf. You bumbling idiot. You sack of-

REECE
Alright, that’s enough. The point is, we found the jackpot of gold. We started mining it up, but after a while, we realized a problem. The only way out was the hole we fell through. The walls are made of solid gold, so we can’t just dig our way out. After 20 minutes of searching, Mick finally found an exit. Unfortunately, it was tiny, but we had to get out. Theo insisted on going first, our biggest mistake. He got stuck halfway through, and in order for him to get through, he needed to empty his pockets. The next 15 minutes were spent by Theo having lengthy tearful goodbyes with each piece of junk he was storing in the various pockets. We have no idea how he crammed it in, but there was a surprisingly large amount. Then, he fouled the breathing air. We discovered that last part when Mick walked right through it.
“WHAT THE HECK?” He screamed. “THEO? WHAT DIED IN HERE!”
“Sorry guys.” Theo called back from ahead. “My lunch was an extra large-basin of gas station fiery bean chili. This ain’t over.”
We all groan, and try to fight through it. When I reach the first cloud, I gag and try not to get sick. After five long, grueling, sweaty, disgusting minutes, we are done. Mick and I gasp for air, and breath in the refreshing, clean, atmosphere, letting it fill our lungs. Except we were in a cave, and it is full of dust. We coughed out what we just inhaled.
“Are you kidding me?” Mick screams.
“Guys! We gotta get masks!” I choke.
“I know!” Theo coughs.
“Here!” Mick grunts as he pulls three masks out of his backpack and we put them on. We breathe in the actual fresh air.
“Wait, there aren’t any air tanks!” Theo says.
“Yes, there are filters. It gets out any dust or other...unpleasant things.” Mick says as he glares at Theo. Theo shrugs. We crawl through another series of tunnels, and finally reach the clean air. Unless the writers think of some cruel idea in their sick minds that forces us into another ridiculous problem- oh my god.

MICK
So there I was, just escaped the poison cesspool that Theo turned the caves into, and I was resting, letting Reece narrate for a while, when a massive bear rips through the trees. Wait, no. It’s just Phil. Phil McGregor. Phil Enrique McGregor. Phil William Jackson Andrew Johnson Enrique Alex George Jack John Russell James Hornung Joseph Fedrico Foot Kevin Rick Mick Fick Sick Mike and Ike Mitch Rich Ditch asshol’e Donald Trump McGregor. I left out a few names to keep it short. That’s only about 10% of them.  Wait, what’s he doing here? He’s already sooo rich. Did he come here to gloat? Does he think we are slobs? Is he here to laugh at us? He thinks he is so much better than us. He is so mean. He thinks we are a bunch of poor doofuses. His heart is a sick ball of solid evil. I’ll show him!

PHIL
So I’m a snob. So what? We all gotta make money. I’m not THAT rich. Okay, I lied, I really am. I’m selfish. I’m an asshole. But deal with it. I’m so rich I make Donald Trump cry at night. Chuck Norris wears pajamas with my face on it. Doge looks up memes of me on the internet.
Oh crap. I should’ve known that Mick would have come here too. Just play along...
“Hey Mick!” I said. I opened my arms up in a welcoming state. I’m a good friend.

MICK
“SO YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME HUH? I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S BETTER! I LIVED THROUGH THEO’S BODY ODOR! I WAS STUCK IN CVS AND FORCE FED A 71 YEAR OLD LADY 15 POUNDS OF LAXATIVES TO GET AHEAD OF HER IN LINE! I WATCHED AS SHE IMPLODED AS SHE RAN FOR THE LAVATORY! I HAVE OUT-PEED DOGS TO CLAIM MORE TERRITORY! I HAVE GONE TO BINGO NIGHT AT THE SENIOR CENTER AND GOTTEN SO COMPETITIVE THAT I USE THE SENIORS TO BREAK GLASS! I WENT TO THE PRISON AND DROPPED A BOX OF SHIVS AND SHANKS IN THE MIDDLE OF A COURTYARD, THEN WATCHED THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH. WHEN I DID THAT, I WAS A POLICE OFFICER.I WAS IN STOP AND SHOP ONCE, PUNK, IN THE WEIGHT LOSS AISLE, AND I SCREAMED ‘DOUGHNUTS, FREE DOUGHNUTS!’ IN FOUR SECONDS, I WAS SURROUNDED. THE FIRST PERSON TO ATTACK ME, ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A BLUE WHALE, CAME AT ME FROM BEHIND. I DELIVERED HER A KICK THAT COULD SHATTER SOLID ROCK DIRECTLY INTO HER SOLAR PLEXUS. I HEARD BOTH OF HER LUNGS POP. THEN I TOOK A CAN OF OF PRUNES AND WINGED IT AT HER. A MAN JUMPED OVER A FALLEN DISPLAY CASE OF BREAD, FUELING HIS JUMP WITH A FIERY BURST OF DIARRHEA. I SIDE STEPPED AT THE LAST SECOND, CAUSING HIM TO LAND ON HIS CROTCH ON THE HARD LINOLEUM FLOOR! THEN I TOOK A TAP USED TO PULL SYRUP FROM A TREE, AND SLAMMED IT INTO HIS STOMACH. SECONDS LATER, HYDROCHLORIC ACID SPRAYED OUT IN A FOUNTAIN OF CORROSIVE ENZYMES. I GRABBED A NEARBY CRIPPLE, AND SHOVED HIM INTO A FREEZER NEXT TO A FROZEN PIZZA. THEN I SAW AN OLD LADY WITH A WALKER AND TANK OF OXYGEN. 50 POINTS! I SCREAMED AS I CHARGED AT HER WITH FULL FORCE. I GRABBED MY SHOPPING CART AND SHOVED HER INSIDE IT, PUSHING IT DOWN INTO THE SOUP AISLE. SHE SCREAMED AS ALL KINDS OF SOUP CANS RAINED DOWN ON HER. THEN I RAN OUTSIDE, AND BROUGHT IN A TANK. I SMASHED THE WHOLE FRONT OF THE STORE OPEN. I DID DONUTS WITH THE TANK, MEANWHILE SHOOTING EVERYTHING I COULD! WHILE I HAD THE CHANCE, I STOLE ALL THE MONEY FROM THE CASH REGISTERS I SMASHED!!! I LAUGHED AS HARD AS I COULD AND RAN OUTSIDE WITH TWO BAGS!! I THEN DONATED TO CHARITY!!! IT WAS A VERY NICE DAY THAT DAY!!! BRING IT ON!”
What I said didn’t really make sense. I’m not good with arguing with people. They usually just get confused by the time I’m done arguing my point.
Phil put his arms down. It worked.
“Mick, who are your friends?”
Theo came up behind me. “No one said we were friends.”
“Like you have a choice?”... I don’t know who said that.
I walked down to Phil. Anger overcame me, and I punched him in the face. It felt pretty good.
“YOU LITTLE LIAR! YOU WERE MY FRIEND!”
Phil got back up from the blow, rubbing his cheek.
“YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!”
“What?”
(I actually just added that for dramatic effect.)

“What is wrong with you?” Phil yelled, “Why are you beating me up?”
I swung my steel-toed combat boot into his face, sending him flying.
“That’s why!” I yell. I go for another kick, but Phil grabs my leg and whips it around, sending me flying into a random table where two scruffy guys play poker. Suddenly, a piano starts playing and I am in a old western saloon brawl. I don’t hold back, grabbing furniture, and breaking it over people’s heads, punching and kicking like there’s no tomorrow. A few minutes later, I am panting in a damaged Saloon, with broken people and furniture lying all around me. Then abruptly, it is all gone. I blink and look around, but the Saloon is gone, and Theo, Phil, and Reece, lay on the ground, all crumpled up with broken chunks of our van, lawn furniture, and Phil’s lamborghini. Pieces of rock lay all over the place. The only thing left intact is the piano, with some random old guy slumped over it, covered in bruises and chunks of wood. Oops. I hallucinated. Hours later, Phil was knocked out on the ground.
That’s when I said, “See you in hell, loser- no no, that’s no good… um, maybe ‘I’ll be back’, no that’s Exterminator. Uhhh, of all the times to blank out on puns. Dang it! It needs to be witty, yet sassy. WHY CAN’T I DO THIS! WHY? WHY MEEEEEEEEEE?
“Stay in school, kids!”

The end...?