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Alphabet Soup for the Undead Soul
A. Always eat a light snack before going on a date. That way, you only take her ear, not her face. Girls tend to frown upon attempted murder on the first date. Try for assault to test the waters first. You may hate the perfume she wears.
B. Be a gentle man. Not a gentleman, no one likes their zombie men polite. A gentle man. Meaning, when you go for the jugular, whisper something sweet into her ear first. Maybe stroke her hair. Then maul her.
C. Catch up on Netflix first. This way, you don’t have the temptations to sit and cuddle. If you cuddle, she might smell your decaying flesh. Go for a romantic walk instead. Then you are already outside when she realizes you are going to eat her and you skip the whole running up stairs bit. Anyways, you just had the screen door replaced….
D. Don’t wear the Dead Man’s Blood cologne. Go for a more subtle, Rain on the Graveyard scent.
E. Eat her family first. Then she has nothing to live for anymore, and you can get to have her tears and despair season the dish.
F. Fake your affection. You don’t need her leaving the restaurant before the main meal shows up. Anyways we all know your heart stopped beating a while ago. But that doesn’t mean chivalry died with you.
G. Grab her hair when you tear off her face. Ladies love a man with a wild side.
H. Have a backup meal plan. What if she leaves? What if she is faster than you? What if she doesn’t show up because she read about your last date in the papers? Just because you are too good for her, doesn’t mean she has to ruin your night. Go out. Have fun. Eat a drunk girl. The alcohol really gives a nice kick. So does her high heels. And the kick of rejection.
I. Invite friends. Double dates are always good ways to get to know someone. And anyways, your fridge is too stuffed for leftovers.
J. Juicy meat is best! Who ever said chubby wasn’t sexy? Much better than those skin and bone chicken wings, and those string cheese runners. And those curves aren’t hurting anyone either. Plus, she runs slower! No one likes fast food. So unhealthy…
K. Keep conversation casual. Don’t let her steer you into the danger zone of your human life. Or the family you loved. And murdered. Or the reason you are single. These girls are just too nosy for their own good.
L. Lock the doors, if you are inside. Let her know how special she is. And how she has no hope.
M. Make a goal for yourself. Don’t go in without expectations. If you expect crappy taste, the meal will be awful. Make a goal instead. For example: today, I’m going to get some nice liver.
N. Notice the little things. Girls love that. Tell a girl her blood type, or sit down and really describe the taste of her flesh, and she’ll fall in love with your attentiveness and way with words.
O. Order small. She’ll eat enough for the both of you.
P. Put on a good shirt. Not the clean one. That’s only for special occasions. Dirt’s fine, but don’t tip her off with blood.
Q. Quick thinking is key. Girls might try to throw in a curveball, like, “how many girls have you dated,” or “how old do you think I am,” or “why is your arm falling out?” Don’t get caught.
R. Relax! She can’t get away! You locked the doors!
S. Slip in some nice pickup lines. Make her laugh. Some oldies but goodies: “How do you like your meat done? Raw? Or rotten?” “Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven. Because I scraped my knee getting out of the coffin,” and finally, “You know, you’re so hot, I might drop down dead.”
T. Trust your instincts. If your gut says she’s going to run, lunge across that table and tear out her throat. You were going to do it anyways right? Sooner rather than later!
U. Under no circumstances are you to tell her you are dead. If she starts asking why your leg is falling apart, say you have a disorder. If she asks why your eyes are cloudy and white, say you can’t see. If she asks why you have bones in your teeth, say they are toothpicks. And if she notices the scalp hanging off your belt, add another!
V. Very rarely do girls like being told they are wrong, though. So if she comes right out and says you are a zombie, tell the truth. Then kill her.
W. Wash your hands. You finished your last meal. Don’t let it hang around.
X. Excite her! Think outside the box, and take her backstage at the zoo, and let the tiger take care of the kill, or maybe take her to an amusement park and put the speed on high. Scrambled brains anyone?
Y. You like Taylor Swift too? Agree with her music tastes. Unless it’s Justin Bieber. Then put her out of her misery.
Z. Zazz! Add a little zazz to make the night yours! You’ve got a brain in there somewhere! Maybe not your head, but your stomach counts! Be unique, and make sure her last moments are wonderful.
Always clean up after yourself. It is really annoying for the police to have to clean up your messes. You aren’t five hundred years old anymore. Take some responsibility.
Before eating, make sure to floss. It is always a negative experience when you happen to be trying to get a quick snack, and you get some hair in your mouth from the last meal. Flossing removes this from the equation!
Catch up on local news. If someone else is going on a killing spree, don’t kill in their area. It’s just rude to intrude on someone else’s attention. You’re a monster, not a heathen.
Don’t keep a stash of blood hidden somewhere. Not only will it taste bad when it’s not fresh, but it is also rather annoying to have to deal with the smell and the flies. So unless you have hospital grade blood bags and fridge, let go of leftovers.
Empty your mind of distractions when going hunting. You won’t be at your best performance if you are worrying if you left the stove on. If you are going to hunt, do it right.
Follow proper safety guidelines. You want a sausage, not a stake. Be safe out there. And if someone is going to try cutting off your head, politely tell them no thank you and then brutally murder them.
Go for the jugular. This is barely worth mentioning, but still. Don’t go for the guts. Far too much acid down there, and the arms are simple to bony. The neck is your best bet, plus the blood pressure is perfect there. It’s like a Gusher.
Hide!! The world doesn’t need to see you killing someone! This is private, personal business! Your prey deserves only the best, and that does not mean having others gape as they slowly get drained of life blood.
Intake slowly. You don’t want a tummy ache. It’s not like medicine will really work on you, right?
Just breathe. It doesn’t matter if this is your first hunt or thousandth. It can be scary. So just take a deep breath and remember: you are the apex predator. Kill those bitches.
Keep your head down. Swinging axes tend to put a damper on things. I mean, it won’t really kill you, but then it ruins your collar…and you might get blood on your clothes after killing the person with the ax…. You know how hard that is to get out.
Live your undead life freely. The police don’t matter. The hunters don’t matter. No one matters. Nothing matters. Except that juicy little vein. Go for it.
Make as little of a mess as possible. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. If you get blood on your white shirt, it isn’t ever coming out. So be neat. You are a sophisticated spawn of Satan. Take pride in your work. Killing people every night isn’t easy….
Never let them scream. It draws too much attention, and it’s really bothersome. Not to mention how inconsiderate it is to yell in someone’s ear, but you might accidentally break them in two. And that simply isn’t appropriate. You are a vampire. Not an ungrateful swine.
Observe! You’ve got options! You don’t need to stick with the irritating girl next door, because you feel you need to kill her instead of making her life a living hell, or that you must put the hobo down the street out of his misery. Be a gentleman, but treat yourself too. You are worthy of some high class blood very once and awhile. So keep your eyes out for any especially tasty morsels you might meet on the streets.
Prepare! What if they start running? You can’t chase them in a tight dress or new suit. What if they tear at your face? No masks then. What if they are rude? You can’t have a knife on you, because you know you will tear them apart from the inside. See? Think this through. You aren’t such a crude being that you’d settle for fast food.
Quiet is key. Half the fun of a surprise party is seeing their expressions when you drop the balloons! Just because instead of balloons, its corpses doesn’t mean the surprise will be any less satisfying.
Read up on the latest hunting skills. It is always interesting to try new techniques. You know, mix things up a little. So if you find out that all the young vampires are taking their meals out for a date and seducing them before killing them, because the hormones are great seasoning, then give it a try!
Skip the desert. You have a figure to keep up.
Treat your prey like you want to be treated. You aren’t human, not inhumane. If you were being killed, would you want to have Justin Bieber playing in your mind? No! Make sure they go to a permanent sleep with something good playing in their ears. Maybe Bach? Or perhaps some poetry. Be considerate.
Understand how your prey is feeling. It will open up some wonderful lines of communication, and really help you make the dying experience one for the history books. You may be a monster, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
Vaseline is a no. Some people might say that moisturizing a victim’s neck before biting is delicious, but it never tastes as good as it smells. Plus, then the texture is strange and slimy. Simply not enjoyable, to say the least.
Wear something you don’t mind getting dirty. In these days, it’s not just blood and dirt you need to worry about. There is lipstick and beer and wine, and as myriad of other things your victim might be carrying and might throw on you. Be prepared.
Examine the body for fingerprints. Moving is simply too much work.
Yearly check-ups on your fangs by vampire friendly dentists is always recommended. Let’s be considerate and make sure that the bite is as painless as possible, yes? Plus, a chipped tooth is quite painful for you and your victim.
Catch some ZZZ’s. You had a long night, and a good meal. Get some rest this day! You deserve it!