Seven Years Later

The words would form perfectly on the page, but only for a short amount of time. Some days I could sit and write for hours, and the fear wouldn’t come until I was almost finished. Other days, it would only take a couple minutes before I had to make myself stop. Either way, the fear always came.
It would start in my hands, causing them to shake. Then it would move to my head and I would suddenly feel tears on my face. My whole body would eventually be shaking and the only thing I could do was fall out of my chair and curl up into a ball until it stopped.
Sometimes, I wouldn’t even be thinking about Katherine when it would start, but it would always end with memories of her.
My parents hardly noticed me anymore. If and when they did, they would often call me Katherine. It happened a little too often for it to normal.
While writing another one of my stories at age fifteen about a girl who was abused, I realized something. I realized that you could feel abused by simply being ignored.
Tap tap tap, “Juliet!” I heard coming from my window.
I looked towards the glass and saw the familiar smiling face of Aaron Lockwood. Aaron had stuck with me through the past seven years. He would always be there, just a window away, whenever I needed to talk to someone.
Mostly, in times when I needed to clear my mind of built up thoughts, I wrote. I never gave up on writing. I would walk away from a piece of writing and not come back for weeks, but I never gave up. Katherine would’ve wanted me to keep going.
“Hey, Aaron!” I replied as I opened my window and my brown curls of hair spilled out of the opening.
“Still writing?” he asked, a sly smile creeping onto his face. He already knew the answer. It was the same answer I gave every time he asked me.
“Always. So how was school?”
“You ask that all the time. It’s boring! Have I ever told you any different?” Aaron told me.
“No, you haven’t. I always have hope it’ll change one day, I guess.”
“Well, it hasn’t changed in seven years and it’s running out of time to become interesting. There’s only a couple more months of my high school life left. If I were you, I’d give up the hope.”
“Never! You should never give up hope in something! If you don’t give up, you’re guaranteed success! The only way you don’t succeed is if you give up,” I reminded him.
“Okay, okay. What, are you a philosopher now?”
“I’ve always been a philosopher. Anyways, I think it’s about time for Educate the Neighbors again. What do you say? Operation educate commencing at six thirty?”
“Deal! What shall it be tonight? The Fault in our Stars, or maybe Romeo and Juliet?”
“I really wish you’d stop making that reference,” I rolled my eyes at him.
He laughed at his own joke and ran his fingers through his dark blonde hair. It had grown darker as the years progressed. Aaron’s hair was once so blonde it was almost white. Luckily for him, it had changed to a dirty blonde color by the time we were fourteen.
“Now, I’ve been reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower recently. Have you read it?” I said.
“I think I might have read it in eighth grade or something. I think I liked it, but I’m not sure. We can chose that book for tonight.”
“Awesome. Be out here at six thirty sharp! See you then.”
“Later, Juliet.”
I closed my window and stood up straight, stretching my back as I looked around my room. It was almost as plain as you could get. The walls were painted a gray, and the floor was a dark, hardwood floor. A light blue and white striped rug lay in the center of my room. Beside that was my simple white bed with frames of the same shade of light blue as the rug. On the other side of my room was my window. Directly beside my window was an old wooden desk with a lamp and a mirror next to it. A blue chair sat there, slightly turned outwards. On top of the desk was my laptop that held all of my writings. I spent most of my day sitting there at that desk.
Across from the window was my door to the rest of the house. On each side of that was my bookshelf and my dresser.
I walked over to my bookshelf and found the green spine of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I was nearing the end of the book, and it seemed that I would finish it during Educate the Neighbors tonight.
Educate the Neighbors was an operation Aaron and I created when we were fifteen. Every once in a while, we’d meet out on our rooftops with a book. One of us would read the book aloud while the sun was setting. After the sunset, we’d read the book by a flashlight. We’d continue reading until one of us got tired or the neighbors started complaining.
“Juliet, you have to do your schoolwork for today,” my mom’s voice said, starling me.
I saw her head peeking through my doorway. Her eyes looked so tired. Their blue color had turned into gray. Her hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, like always.
“Alright, Mom. I’ll be right there,” I assured her before she closed the door again.
I glanced at myself in the mirror and saw the same girl I’ve always been. My dark, curly hair hung there while my blue eyes brightened my face. I was wearing an old pair of jeans with a purple American Eagle sweatshirt. I decided that I looked fine, so I went into my living room.
My mom was sitting there on the couch studying a page of my calculus textbook. Thus, several hours of trying to pretend I know what I’m talking about began.
Later that day, at six thirty exactly, I climbed out of my window and sat of the small platform. In my hand, I had my book and a flashlight at the ready.
Just as I sat down and began to get comfortable, Aaron crawled out onto the other platform and joined me.
“So, I didn’t realize I only had about four pages left in the whole book. So we might have to get another book and read it after I finish this. Okay?”
“Okay, sounds good to me,” he assured me as he sat down cross-legged.
I opened it to the two hundred and fifth page. Then I started reading. Everything was fine, until I suddenly started to feel the fear start in my hands. Still, I kept reading and tried not to think of what I was feeling. For some reason, every single word haunted me and reminded me of my worst enemy: me.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do know. I know other people have it a lot worse. I do know that, but it’s crashing in anyway, and I just can’t stop thinking that the little kid eating french fries with his mom in the shopping mall is going to grow up and hit my sister. I’d do anything not to think that. I know I’m thinking too fast again, and it’s all in my head like a trance, but it’s there, and it won’t go away.”
I stopped abruptly because I didn’t think I could keep my voice steady anymore.
I only looked in Aaron’s eyes for a moment, but that is what broke me. I saw his face growing with concern and confusion.
“I have to go. Just hold on for a minute,” I managed to say right before I climbed back into my room and slammed the window shut behind me.
I realized I still had the book in my hand, so I threw it across the room. It hit my wall and fell to the floor with a thud. I made sure to get out of the view of the window and fell to the ground. I crawled under my desk and held my knees to my forehead and the shaking and fear I felt threw every ounce of my body increased.
I wasn’t sure how long I put up with it until I heard a knock on the glass of my window.
“Juliet? Juliet? Juliet, are you okay? Can you let me in?” I could just barely hear Aaron say from outside. There was a ringing in my ears that prevented me from hearing him clearly.
I couldn’t answer him. If I could, I would’ve told him to go away. I never wanted him to see me like this.
Still, I heard my window slide up to the top followed by footsteps that were getting closer.
I think I heard him say my name again. I wasn’t sure of anything at the moment. My own mind was screaming at me, and it wouldn’t shut up.
I lifted my head and saw Aaron standing there in front of me with a look of a terror on his face.
Another burst of fear shot through my limbs, and I think I cried out. I wasn’t in control of my own body.
I felt two hands grab onto my arms and pull me out from under the desk. Then I felt his arms around me, holding me. I hadn’t been held like that since I was ten. He was comforting me, and he waited patiently until I was finished shaking.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” he told me once I became still. His arms were still around me.
I looked up at him and saw that he actually cared about me. He really wanted to know if I was okay or needed help. Maybe I did need help. I had never thought of that before.
“No. It’s fine. I’m okay now,” I croaked out. My voice had become hoarse.
“What happened to you?” he asked. Aaron looked like he was close to tears himself.
“It was the fear. I get it sometimes. This feeling of anxiety just takes over my body, and I have to wait until it stops,” I explained.
He didn’t say anything for several moments. When he finally did say something, all he said was, “I’m so sorry.”
I nearly scoffed at him. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything to me. I did this to myself.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through this. You deserve so much better than this. But, do you know what this means? You’ve gone through this so that it can pay off later. One day, you’ll be happy. Someday soon you’ll have only tiny little problems every once in a while, and you’ll always be able to get through it. One day later on, you won’t remember any of this. I promise you that, Juliet.”
I couldn’t say anything. What could I say to him after that? My mind was filled with new thoughts. It was almost as if he had broken the security glass that kept my mind trapped. Now it was free.
“Aaron,” I started to say. I stopped myself because I knew I didn’t have to say anything more.
Then I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned in to kiss him. It was quick, and neither of us knew what to do after it was over. His eyes locked themselves with mine and I felt myself begin to cry.
I felt myself collapse again, and I fell against him. I buried my face in his chest and lost control. Then I felt his arms around me once more. He was protecting me. My body stopped shaking in an instant. He was there for me. I guess he had always been there. I just hadn’t realized it.

“Juliet, we have to talk to you. Have a seat,” my mother said to me the next morning when I walked into the kitchen.
My mom and dad were both sitting down at the kitchen table. I hesitantly took the empty seat across from them and asked, “What is it?”
“We’ve decided that we’re going to move back to Chicago. I started looking for jobs just a few months ago. I didn’t know that I would be offered one so fast. We have to move by the twenty-eighth. I honestly thought you would be off to college by the time we had to leave this town,” my dad announced.
I was frozen to my spot. We had to move? I would have to leave the last home Katherine ever had? I had to leave Aaron?
“We can’t leave! I want to stay here!”
“I know, Katherine but-,” my dad stopped himself once he realized what he had said.
“Katherine? Is that why we have to go? It’s been seven years! You still haven’t gotten over it, have you? You still see her in me or see her everywhere you go. I do, too, you know. That’s why we can’t leave. I have to stay here with her!” I shouted.
“Juliet, we’re sorry. We didn’t plan on leaving until August. But now that your father’s been offered an incredible opportunity at this new job in Chicago. We simply can’t put it off anymore,” my mom explained.
“So I have a week and half left until we leave this place?” I asked in a dead voice.
They both nodded at me. I stood up and walked back to my room. I didn’t even think about what I was doing when I opened my window and climbed out onto the platform. I crawled over to Aaron’s window and tapped on the glass.
It only took a few moments for him show up on the other side and open his window, letting me in.
“Hey, Juliet. Is everything okay?” Aaron asked me.
“I’m moving,” was all I said to him. I didn’t know how to tell him, so I kind of just blurted it out.
“What? Where?”
“We’re going back to Chicago in ten days,” I told him. The only emotion that I seemed to show in my voice was anger.
“But...you can’t leave.”
I nodded and tried to avoid looking at him. “I know. I don’t want to, but I don’t have a choice.”
“I’m really going to miss you,” I heard him say to me. That’s when I dared to look over at him. The look in his eyes said everything.
I couldn’t help nearly running to him from across to room as he caught me in his arms. He wrapped me in his embrace as I realized that I would never see him again soon enough. Anything that I had hoped would happen between us was ruined. Everything had changed.

I avoided Aaron for the next ten days. I figured I might as well not get caught up in trying not to say goodbye to him. Mostly, I distracted myself by packing up my room. Except, that didn’t take long at all.
I had even more free time to write. What really confused me was the fact that the fear didn’t come. I would write for hours, and not once did I feel the shaking in my hands. It was almost as if it had vanished over night.
On the morning of the twenty eighth of April, I stood in my completely empty bedroom for the last time. I looked around at the gray walls and realized that all this room had been to me was a shell. The room was a place to run and hide. That’s all it ever was to me.
From the door, I could see what used to be Katherine’s bedroom. Her door had stayed closed for over seven years. We had only been in there a handful of times since the accident. I knew it was empty as well.
I didn’t want to go into the room, although I felt as if I needed to. I settled for standing in front of her door and gently pushing it open. I almost smiled when I saw her bright green walls. Green was her absolute favorite color. I could almost see her standing in the middle of the room. She was just there with her back turned to me. When she turned around, Katherine smiled at me. I smiled back at her and then closed the door.
“Juliet! It’s time to go!” my mom yelled from the front door. I only had a minute left in the house.
I went in my room one last time and saw Aaron standing in his room through the window. He started to smile just a little and gave a final wave. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.
I was about to turn away when something in my window sill caught my eye. I got closer and saw that it was a folded up piece of paper. When I looked across the roof to Aaron’s room, I saw that he was gone. I lifted my window just the smallest bit so I could take out the paper.
“Juliet! Let’s go!”
“I’m coming!” I called back. Then I slipped the paper into my pocket and left the house.
We were a few miles out of Riverview when I pulled out the paper and unfolded it. I saw that it was a note and I started to read:


Juliet,

I’ve been trying to avoid saying goodbye to you. But, you’re leaving and I need for you to know a few things. I never told you this, but I had the biggest crush on you when we were kids. The only reason I’m telling you that is because that little crush never really went away.
I always felt like I knew everything about you. It wasn’t until the night of Educate the Neighbors when I realized I really didn’t know you at all. I wish I had; I honestly do. To me, it never mattered that I probably wasn’t your favorite person in the world. You were mine.
I saw your strength and courage through the window even if you never saw it. You inspired me daily by simply being there at your desk, always writing.
To be completely honest, I think I loved you. Not even in the romantic way, just in a respect and admiration way. I looked up to you because you never stopped moving forward after Katherine.
All I hope is for you to have an amazing life because you deserve it. Remember that on a rainy day, Juliet.
-Aaron

“You have everything you need, right?” my mom asked for the millionth time.
“Yes, Mom. I’m fine, and I’ll call you if I need anything. I promise,” I assured her, again.
“Okay. Just making sure. We’re so proud of you, you know. We were always proud of you,” she told me.
I nodded at her and said, “I know. I love you guys.”
They pulled me in for a last hug before they left. My mom was crying just a little bit, and my dad just kept a proud smile on his face.
“Bye, Juliet. We love you,” my dad said to me just before they opened the door to my dorm.
“Bye,” I told them as they walked out and closed the door behind them.
It was now the end of August. I had just been dropped off at my college: The University of Illinois. I knew I would like it here, but that didn’t change the fact this entire ‘school with other people’ concept was foreign to me. I knew I would handle it fine.
It’s been four months since my last panic attack. Shorty after my family moved back to Chicago, I discovered that the anxious, shaking feeling I would get was a panic attack. It made sense when I thought about it. I just couldn’t believe it took me almost eight years to figure out what it was. My first panic attack was the night Katherine died, and I had been making up excuses for them ever since.
Over the summer, I wrote nearly the entire time. I had even finished a piece of writing that I called My Own War. It was basically an autobiography about everything that happened because of Katherine’s death. I was content with keeping it to myself for the time being.
“Say, fancy running into you here,” I heard an all too familiar voice say from the doorway.
I turned around and couldn’t believe my eyes.
“Aaron?”









The End