August 14

I sit in the back seat of our ten year old moving van, and gaze at our beautiful house

disappearing in the distance. It was the house I was raised in, the house I learned guitar in,

and the house I had my first birthday party in. This house had been my shelter and my safe

place for sixteen years, and now I have to leave all of that behind for some cheap Californian

neighborhood house. I was living in a fairly large house by the coast in New Jersey; it was

a heaven on earth. I had the best friends I could ever ask for. It was an “I cry they cry”

relationship. (Except for the boys who were too “manly to cry” but I swear I saw a few tears

here and there). We always had each other’s backs. It was Ashly, John, Clair, Jacob, and I,

Kristen, who were always together. As I recall these memories my heart felt like a million hands

were squeezing it trying to smother me. The house and all of my sentimental value was gone. I

put my head between my knees and tried hard not to cry. I have always been a “brave soldier”

as my mom says, and never cry, but this was too much. I knew I would have to let my feelings

out sometime, but not here, not now. This is why I am writing in the journal, to let it out in a

“healthy” way, as my mom said.

August 14 

We drove for forty two hours. It was brutal. My back and neck were cramping,

my feet, hands, and legs were asleep, and I’m pretty sure I needed a shower. My dad was

insistent on not stopping and we drove the whole time. He kept saying, “We will be there in a

few minutes,” when we were still twenty hours away, so I’m pretty sure he had a few screws

loose up there. I would be crazy too though if I drove for forty two hours straight. My brother,

oh yeah I forgot to tell you I have a brother. Ethan is an eight year old devil in a human body.

Of course it is the same cliché situation with little brothers. He is a little demon, but parents

only see him as a little angel that fell from heaven. He cries about everything, and blames

things on me that he did. He also tortures our pets, and is a complete slob. Don’t even get me

started on his table manners. Anyway my brother peed his pants five times, I know that not

stopping for forty two hours is harsh, but why would you want to sit in your own pee for forty

two hours. Not to mention the smell was repulsive. Like I said he is awful. We are pulling into

our new city, and it looks manageable. Apparently it is a five minute walk from our house to the

beach. It can’t compare to our old house which was on the beach, but I’m trying to make the

best of it. We pulled into our neighborhood which was called Sea Talon Cove. It was a cluster of

small beach looking houses. We drove a ways down the road and stopped at a medium sized

house that had stone on the lower half and yellow wood on the top part. The house had

blooming wisteria intertwined with the arch over the doorway that snaked up over the wooden

canopy like those of hotels. It was lovely in a wild kind of way. The first thing I thought was that

the yellow of the house and the purple of the wisteria clashed. I guess it would do, but what

really mattered was the inside. Ethan and I jumped out of the van, he ran and I staggered trying

to wake my legs up, to the house. My mom came and unlocked the door and we rushed inside.

Ethan immediately rushed upstairs, to choose his room I guess, but I stayed downstairs and

went to each empty room that had nothing but light fixtures in them. Well this should be fun I

thought to myself sarcastically as I thought of all the work and disagreements with my mom

over the furnishing. We have completely different taste. She liked classical pink “graceful”

things, like antique rugs and chairs. I liked black loud modern things, like decorating with

collages of Marvel super heroes, bean bag chairs, and Eminem. We disagreed on everything. So

that’s basically my family. My dad is crazy, my brother is a devil, and my mom and I don’t get

along. I have a great family right? I finished taking a tour of the downstairs and headed up

stairs. I walked into what looked like to be a bedroom and looked in the bathroom. There was

Ethan, sitting on the toilet.

“Eww gosh Ethan shut the door!” I said.

“Its not my fault you like to barge in on people!” he screamed back.

“Ughh you’re such a twerp.” I said and stormed out of the room.

Well I guess that’s going to be his room. I walked into the next room this room was, like the

others, plain and dull, but there was something that caught my eye. In the back left corner

there was a window seat. I walked over and looked out the window. It was the prettiest thing I

have seen so far in this dull house. There was a forest right there and a creek that ran in front of

it almost marking the line between fresh mowed grass and wilderness that I so much wanted to

submerse myself in. I decided this was the one. This was the room I would spend the next two

years in before I went off to college.

August 15

That night we slept in blankets on the floor of our bare rooms. It was unusually cold for an

early fall night and I slept in a human-blanket burrito. The next morning it was Saturday, which

was good because I had two days before I had to go to living hell, also known as high school.

I was a sophomore at NJSA (New Jersey School of Arts) in New Jersey, but now I have to go

to this awful public school. Another thing I forgot to tell you is that I am an artist. I was trying

for a scholarship to Vanderbilt or somewhere else like that, but I don’t really know. Anyway

now that I’m stuck here it doesn’t even matter because my new high school doesn’t have an

art program. No use complaining about that now. Like I said today is Saturday. Apparently

my mom stalked the neighborhood, because she said there is a girl two doors down who is my

age, and that I should go say “hi.” After much protest I finally went. I walked over and rang the

doorbell.

“Hello?” A very handsome boy with an Xbox controller in his hand, and who looked

about seventeen, opened the door. (Apparently my mom was wrong about it being a girl who

lived here).

“Uh hi.” I said still star struck.

“Can I help you?” he said a little irritably.

“Yeah sorry I um.. just.. I just moved in next door and my mom said I should meet some

people in the neighborhood. Sorry for bothering you.” I said a little timid. I gave a faint

smile and as started to turn away, disappointed.

He said “Oh really? Hey wait!” He placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned as a chill

went through my skin.

“Yeah?” I asked raising an eyebrow. For the first time I really looked at him. He had

almost jet black slightly curly hair, but with a strip of auburn across his bangs that were

swept to his left side. He had electronic blue eyes, and full lips.

He opened his perfectly shaped lips and said, “Want to come in and have some soda or

something?”

“Sure.” I said smiling a little bigger this time.

We talked for a while and I found out that his name is Justin he was born and raise here,

he surfs, he is sixteen (exactly my age we were made for each other), and he is going

to my school. So at least I’ll have at least one familiar face in the sea of judgmental girls

and sportaholic boys. When it was ten thirty I went home. Another thing I learned that

day was that I am horrible at COD MW1. Most girls would go home after a dreamy day

and throw themselves onto their nice soft downy bed and sheets, but not me. I went

home unrolled my blanket-burrito and rolled myself back up into it on my cold hard

ground, fun.

August 16

Sunday was pretty lame. We usually go to church but all of our nice clothes were still

packed up and we had no idea where the closest church was. So I just laid in my burrito of

blankets and thought about God in its replacement. I know it wasn’t near as good but it was the

best I could do. So my day consist of sleeping, praying, hiding from Ethan (for whom my parents

had just bought an airsoft gun), and thinking about how I would decorate my room. The only

eventful thing was that Justin called me. He asked if I wanted a ride to school tomorrow, and

naturally I said sure (he can drive, because he isn’t lazy like me and he took his driver's test).

Then we talked for an hour about this and that. But now it is Monday. The day I have been

dreading. This is the day I see how horrible my school actually is. As planned, Justin picked me

up around six thirty in his yellow jeep and we headed off to school. I’m not even sure my family

knew I left. We got to school thirty minutes early so we just sat in his car, listened to some Fort

Minor, and ate the pop tarts he brought (how romantic). An hour later we walked into West

California Academy (WCA).

August 16

Oh my gosh. That was totally chaotic! It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I mostly just hung

out with Justin’s friends but I met some girls too. There was Katie, who seemed nice but

quiet, another girl named Emma who was very hilarious, real, and friendly. Kristina was very

quiet and studious, and then there was Regina she was the nice, talkative, and was always

complimenting me. All the girls were gorgeous, which made me feel very self-conscious about

my black high top converse, dark purple mesh leggings, and short black V-neck dress. Not to

mention my physical appearance. I am a 5 foot 5 inch red headed, green-eyed, thin-lipped,

regular sixteen year old girl. People tell me I look like Lily Collins, but I don’t see it because she

is so pretty but I don’t know. Anyway my classes are a drag, my teachers are boring, and my

day was horrible, until sixth period. My mom was wrong about them not having an art class.

Sixth period I have art. I was so excited that I let out a little scream when I saw my schedule, but

that’s not all. Guess who is in my class? I was already sitting down and Justin walked right in

and sat next to me. We got in trouble like six times for talking. It was funny.

October 6

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. The past four weeks have been… interesting. I

found out that Regina is a total witch. She started a rumor that Kristina got a nose job and the

whole grade was making fun of her for it. She also said that Katie is on diet pills and Emma is

recovering from mono. I have no Idea why they put up with her, but then again why do I? She is

one of those people that you want to like you no matter what you have to do. I’m just waiting

for her to do me wrong, thank goodness it hasn’t happened yet, but it will I’m sure of it. The

other girls are great though. Emma is still hilarious, Katie is still nice, but wow she is talkative,

and Kristina is very studious, but she is also very talkative. I have never had to make new

friends; I grew up with Ashly, John, Clair, and Jacob so I have known what they were like from

the start. It is crazy how much your view on a person’s personality can change in a few weeks,

sometimes for the worst. Oh yeah and I joined art club. What I have been waiting to tell you is

Justin asked me out. I’m so happy, but he is so perfect he deserves so much more than me. He

says he doesn’t but he does. This is how it happened. So I was in his car last Saturday, and we

were going to this cool place that is basically an old train car with collages and graffiti on it. He

knows I love that kind of art. We were sitting in the old train car, and he said “I like you lol” I

ruffled his hair in playful way and said laughing “I like you too” he grabbed my face looked into

my eyes and said “No, not like that. I like you.” I stopped laughing. I saw he was serious. My

dreams were coming true. Everything I have ever wanted since I had met him was happening. I

didn’t know what to say. So instead I just sat there smiling like an idiot, and he kissed me, just

like that. No warning. It was wonderful, the softness of his lips, and the roughness of his hands

as he held my face. The feeling of his long black curls around my fingers as I ran them through

his hair will be in my memory forever. I hope he never sees this, but I think I love him. It is hard

to tell at my age but I really think I do.

November 5

Again I’m sorry for not writing for a while but I have just been able to write

about what happened. Regina finally came after me. She saw how happy I was with Justin in

the lunch room, and because she had just been dumped she wanted me to feel her pain I guess.

I don’t know why she did this to me. What did I do to deserve this? Two months after Justin and

I got together she started a rumor that I was cheating on him with some guy from our school I

have never even talked to. She said when I was at art club after school, that I was actually with

this guy. And that when I told Justin I couldn’t hang out because I had to do my homework I was

just hanging out with that other guy instead. All of this isn’t so bad but what really kills me is

that he believed it. Justin actually believed the crap coming out of her mouth. He texted me

saying that he knew I had been cheating on him, and said that we were done. So now Justin is

gone. If that isn’t bad enough apparently it got around and no one at my school will talk or look

at me. It seems like even the teachers have a wall put around me. I go through my motions

automatically without even thinking. I get up. I get dressed. I walk to school. I go through class. I

sit alone at lunch usually in the bathroom stall. I go to more classes. I go home. I have been

“sick” for the past few days because I can’t go back there. The place has turned into a living hell

again. My parents say I can’t switch schools because “it’s not that bad” but they don’t know. No

one knows how bad it is” I wonder if they knew how badly they are hurting me they would still

stare, make rude gestures, and laugh at me. I guess the cuts are deeper than they seem.

sometime in november i don't care anymore.

The past week has been torture. I got three bloody noses, two black eyes, and some kid

crushed my toe yesterday. No one seems worried. Not even my parents care, and Ethan takes

up their time. I feel like all the eyes in the world are watching my every move, and waiting for

me to mess up even slightly, so they can make fun of me. I have everyone’s eyes but Justin’s he

won’t even glance my way. He is acting like he will be infected with some kind of dieses if he so

much as sees me out of the corner of his eye. Is that all I am now? Am I just dieses intoxicating

the human race? I can’t help but wonder if anyone would care if I gave up? What if I stopped

worrying, if I went away? I don’t think they would. Maybe I should.

sometime in december... please just make it stop.

People are telling me to go away, and that I’m a freak. Are they right? Maybe I should

just leave. Every day it seems more appealing. People say they don’t commit suicide because

they know they are hurting someone that loves them by leaving them. I don’t have to worry

about that because no one loves me. Justin, Regina, my class mates, my family. They have all

made that clear. I guess every good thing has to come to an end.

Goodbye.

Love Kristen (p.s. by the time someone finds this I will hopefully be dead. I just want to get out of

here.)

January 3

I’m new to this but I felt like I should tell you. My name is Justin. I am responsible for a

death. I was in love with this girl Kristen. She committed suicide because I believed something

that her horrible friend spread. I have been miserable without her, but I thought she was

happier without me. I had no idea it was so bad. The worst part is it was my fault. I should have

known she would never cheat on me. Her mom found her in her room with the blade still in

her perfect hands, and rushed her to the hospital, but they couldn’t save her. She had lost too

much blood. Her mother was sobbing all night and her father was just staring off into space. I

came as soon as I got the call. I don’t know why they would call me. I guess her family knew she

really liked me. The last time I saw her she was laying on a hospital bed with a sheet over her.

I pulled back the sheets and stared down at her. Her gorgeous face was pale; her green eyes

stared blankly into a space I could not see. Her lips were parted but not breathing. I bent over

her crying, closed her eyes, and gave her a brief peck on her red-blue lips before running out of

the room overwhelm by sadness, fear, and regret. It was torcher. I would give anything to have

her back, and with me. She said in her farewell that no one loves her, but she was so wrong,

we all love her. I was so stupid not to see. We love you Kristen, and remember we all have

someone who loves us, you had many people. I guess you never know what you have until it’s

gone. I’m so sorry.

I love you more than I have ever loved, and will ever love

Please forgive me,

Justin