All Nonfiction Bullying Books Academic Author Interviews Celebrity interviews College Articles College Essays Educator of the Year Heroes Interviews Memoir Personal Experience Sports Travel & CultureAll Opinions Bullying Current Events / Politics Discrimination Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking Entertainment / Celebrities Environment Love / Relationships Movies / Music / TV Pop Culture / Trends School / College Social Issues / Civics Spirituality / Religion Sports / Hobbies
- Summer Guide
- College Guide
- Author Interviews
- Celebrity interviews
- College Articles
- College Essays
- Educator of the Year
- Personal Experience
- Travel & Culture
- Current Events / Politics
- Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking
- Entertainment / Celebrities
- Love / Relationships
- Movies / Music / TV
- Pop Culture / Trends
- School / College
- Social Issues / Civics
- Spirituality / Religion
- Sports / Hobbies
- Community Service
- Letters to the Editor
- Pride & Prejudice
- What Matters
Forever and Always
Author's note: This idea came to me in a dream and i had to write about it. writing is an escape and if this helped me escaped from the everyday struggles i hope it helps others.
Growing up my friends and I always planned how our first time would be like. Candles, dim lights, sweet smells, rose pedals and calming music, but the one thing that we all didn’t realize was that all of that only happened on T.V, or at least to lucky people. Maybe they still have that in mind or have already experienced it, but for me it can never happen.
Waking up was never a trouble for me, but today I felt sore and pain, I trapped tears and fears of yesterday, and tried to forget about it. I’ve been feeling sore for a while since that day, it wasn’t really long ago and I’ve been having nightmares each night, that day was painful, and horrifying for me. I still couldn’t believe he would do that to me, and to think that I was in love with him, he hurt me so much. I woke up early I had the same nightmare again even though it was the first day of school. Not really excited but since I’m starting a new semester, in Barron Preparatory Academy, I can forget about the summer. Being back in school I feel secure and safe, even though my roommate Katy Lee wasn’t here yet, but I have friends all over the campus. This was a place where nobody could harm me or do something stupid like, Ah….. Really didn’t want to remember. I took out a paper and pen, and started to write down a small poem.
“Why do I feel like this?
All I think about is his kiss
But then he hurt me
I still can’t believe
He’s the one person I hate
But I still dream about our first date,”
Nothing is going right in my life, I used to be so close to all my family members but since my father died, the only person I really talk to is my sister. Back home isn’t the fantasy world that people think it is. My family is really wealthy, since my father created in a TV network studio, he became a billionaire and now that he’s gone everything was just falling apart. Even though my mother claims that she has everything together, dumping herself with work, it’s been 2 years and she still isn’t ok. Everything is just not right, and I hate myself for all of it. I got to the school building right on time, DING! DING! That’s the bell, this is when school begins.
“Ok, class I’m Mrs. Paxton I’ll be your new English teacher,” she said, “Because it’s the first day of school, I would want you to write about your vacation”.
Then it came to me those thoughts, my flashbacks (he got on top of me on the bed, I started screaming, he pulled my pants down and forced himself onto me). It was really hard for me to write something about the summer, so I just made something up. Mrs. Paxton stood about 4’9; she was kind of short for her age, even though she looked like she could be my age. She was wearing high black shirt, with an orange ruffle blouse. She had long brown hair and from the looks of it she was married.
“Does anyone wants to share what they wrote?” she asked, her hair swayed as she talked, one thing I smelled was her perfume, Marc Jacobs,
She looks around, no one wants to share, but of course she goes on and calls on me.
“How about you, Melanie”
“Umm, no I really not want to talk about my summer” I said, this wasn’t elementary school, talking about your summer vacation really I wasn’t in the mood.
“C’mon Mel.” everyone else said. Were they playing? Did they really want to hear about my summer, my nightmare, how it felt to lose your virginity at a house party. I stood up looking annoyed.
“Well, this summer was OK, picnicking with the family, slumber parties, the pool, that’s it,” I said, I quickly sat down, and continue to daydream. They couldn’t handle the truth, I had to face, that one summer, that day, that night. Everyone thinks of me as the spoiled rich girl, who gets everything she wants (Funny because the one thing I really wanted wasn’t what I got). That’s not who I am, being in the position that I was in made me stronger, and I would never in my life let that happen again. Nobody knows and I'm just tired of being weak, I’m going to be strong, I am strong.
“Ok Melanie that was great, next class we will start developing on our vacation stories,” she said, as we started to leave upon the bell.
“Hey, what was going on in class, you cool,” my friend Allison
“Yea just wasn’t in the mood,” I replied with a sigh
Allison was one of my best friends; she had black and brown hair that was up to her neck. She was girl that could stand on her own, kind of one of the guys, a tomboy. She did have boyfriends, but weren’t really right for her. All of them of course felled for her big dimples and her huge ass or smile. Today she was wearing her purple coat, with her purple and black matching sneakers. One thing I couldn’t stand about her was that she always needs attention, and exaggerates everything. She was a person I lean on, but right now wasn’t the time.
“Melanie you know if there’s anything wrong you can tell me or even any of us,” she said with comfort.
“Look there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m ok, just leave me alone” I hurried to the cafeteria.
I rushed toward my friends hoping they would give me comfort and make me feel better with their jokes. Sitting at the table was Evan, Marissa, Jade, Hunter, Carter, and the twins Jayden & Hayden.
“So how’s your class, Jade,” Marissa asked
“It’s good, this time I have the other twin in my math class, right girl” she said looking at Hayden.
“Yea and good thing this school isn’t an all girl’s school anymore,” Hayden said “because we got this cute boy in our class”
“It has been at least 3 years now” Carter said under his breath as he stared at her. Hayden and Carter are a couple, so he could sometimes be annoying when she talk about boys.
“Check him out right there” Jade said
We turn around smiling, well only the girls did, the boys looked disgusted. We waited until he turned around and when he did he looked so familiar, that hair, no it couldn’t be him. I got up quickly headed for the door, my friends called out to me, but I wouldn’t stop. I remember those eyes, those same eyes that sweet talked me, those same eyes that hurt me and cause me pain; it was those eyes that took it all away. Devin, it was him, why was he here, I just wanted to break down and cry.
It was really mean of me to walk out like that but I was afraid, afraid that he was back again to satisfy his needs. He needs sex from me; I can’t deal with him right now, now that I’m at school. This just can’t be happening.
“Oh good that I catch up to you Melanie, here is all the materials you need for my class and your lab partner’s name is at the bottom” Mrs. Moore said as she handed me the paper. She was one of those elderly teachers that think just because they were on the earth longer, they knew everything. “Lucky for you, you have a nice young man as a lab partner since you were the only girl who didn’t beg for him as a partner; now my decisions are final.”
“Thank you” I said joyfully as I looked for my partner’s name, and to my surprise my partner was Devin. I bet he asked to have me, he so rich that he bribes her to have me as a partner and her old, ugly ass accepted it. Well I’m stronger now I could handle him.
“What happen to you, you just stormed out,” Jayden said, as he walked up to me. We had just got out of school and the whole gang was waiting for me outside the school building. Jayden was the sophisticated one, he was the only person that could relate to be, and he also had a dead parent. He’s the one who could listen to all your problems and have a solution. But this time I really didn’t want to talk.
“I… I had to use the bathroom, you know I have my period” I said, I had to make up some kind of lie, to get them of my back. I hated it when people think there was something wrong, even though there was I can handle all my problems myself. I have handled all my problems from when my dog died, to when my father died, I handled it all.
“OH, Ok” Jayden said, he really look disgusted, but I saw him trying to care “Next time you could just tell me instead of going of like that”. Yea, whatever I thought, I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, and he looked like he was about to puke.
“OK, I’m going to my room I want to surprise Katy when she finally gets here” I said, I waved goodbye to everyone as I walked back to my room. I got to my door, searching for my keys in my bag. My mind was so wrap up I didn’t notice anyone behind me.
“Mel, can we talk” a voice said, I turned around to the face of disgust. It was Devin want was he doing here and especially in front of me. I felt a huge lump in the bottom of my stomach, the same feeling I felt when I saw him the last time.
“Devin, what are you doing here? Haven’t you caused enough problems in my life” I asked.
“I’m sorry” he said, “I want to make things right”
“You forced yourself on me, do you know what that’s called, leave me alone” I said in anger as tears ran down my eyes. I went inside my room, and he stopped the door from closing.
“Man, you have some nerves, go to hell,” I said to him as I slammed the door. I just didn’t get it, I never thought that he would be one of those guys, I thought he was special. I hate myself for even thinking about him.
I went in the room feeling beat, and unhappy. Was he here to hurt me again, ‘sorry’ doesn’t repair my unhappy heart, neither those love. Forgetting about Katy surprise, I lay on my bed and cried. At that moment I took out a paper and pen and wrote a poem.
“I don’t know if I’m alright
I don’t know if I’ll get through the night
I don’t know if there ever be more
I don’t know if I’ll ever be sure
I don’t know what he’s here for
I don’t know why I feel so sore
I don’t know if my heart will find the best
I don’t know if my heart will finally rest”
“Melanie, I’m back, what I miss” Katy said slammed the door open rushing to me, “Are you ok, why are you crying?
“Nothing” I said whipping my tears, I really couldn’t talk, just was in a bad mood.
“Mel, I have known you since we both started this boarding school, I have learned to trust you, and you have learned to trust me” she said, “You can tell me anything”.
I got up and sat straight ready for her to hear the whole story. Katy was short, and light skinned with puffy brown hair, she sometimes has an odor problem but she’s a really good friend. She claims she had sex to some boy she meet online, but I think she says that because Marissa had sex too. People sometimes think she’s just Marissa’s sidekick but I see her trying to break free from that stereotype. It was going to be really hard explaining everything to her but because she is a real and true friend I could tell her. One thing that was on my mind was not telling my other friends.
“It wouldn’t be fair if I just told you so could you call the rest of the gang, I’ve been rude to them all day, they all need to now” I said
We picked up or phone and called all of them Allison, Marissa, Jade, Evan, the twins, Hunter and Carter. They all came in a flash ready to hear what really happen during summer vacation.
I started to tell them the story……
I went over to my grandparent’s house for vacation, I love my grandparents. All of my cousins were there; we were all watching T.V when we notice that a moving truck was parking next door and limo behind it. I came from a wealthy family and my grandparents lived in a wealthy neighborhood, so I wasn’t surprise to see a limo. My cousins and I asked our grandmother if we can go and help them and she said it was ok. So we went next door to help, hi I’m Melanie my grandparents leave next door, me and my cousins was wondering if you need any help I asked. She said her name was Susan Smith it was ok we can go on up and Devin would help us. I was so surprise because she owns the company Smith; it’s a major clothing and fragrance line, it’s the first African-American company that went international. I’ve met successful people but it was breath taking to see her in person. We went upstairs, and the maid directed us to Devin. I went inside and I was blown away he was beautiful and his smile was amazing, I’ve had a crush on him since I saw him at the all-white dinner party. He looked at me and smiled again, he showed my cousins the things they could do to help, and asked if he could help me in his room. While in his room we talked and talked about our lives, it was cool to learn that we were so similar to each other. I told him about my school, family and friends and he told me about his old school, moving and family. I was amazed already and I could tell he felt the same way too, he told me that he had seen me last year at the dinner party and couldn’t lay his eyes off of me, I didn’t want him to know that I felt the same way too. For the rest of the 2 weeks we were always together whether it’s at the park, the beach or at the mall, nothing kept us apart. Something we would say to each other was forever and always, we were actually falling in love. One day he said he was throwing a party at his house on Friday and that my cousins and I were invited. When Friday came along I was excited to see him, I got on my Armani jeans, Prada blouse and coach sneakers and we left the party. The party was really loud and there were a lot of people. I met up with Devin, while my cousins split, we tried to talk but the music was too loud, so he asked if we could go somewhere quiet. I said yes not knowing what I was getting myself into. We went up to his room and I sat on the bed; he gave me something to drink and sat next to me. I told him that I would be leaving back to boarding school; I talked about that for a while. He stared at me and said I had beautiful eyes, we reached for a gentle kiss, and it was just more than a kiss. He then lay on top of me and started to on buckle his pants, I immediately said no, but he covered my mouth with his lips. I struggled as he pressed against me and I tried to get off but I couldn’t he was to strong. Holding be there I told him to stop but it didn’t work, all I felt were my jeans riding down. I felt his hands move from my waist, he tugged at my shirt and his cold hands touched my warm skin. All of a sudden I felt his hands traveling up to my bra; at this point he wasn’t going to stop, at that moment I knew that he was going to take it away from me. I tried screaming and yelling but the music was too loud for anyone to hear. I felt my body trembling, he kept going as I started to cry, a couple of minu tes passed and he finally got off and I ran back home. I hated it all, I just felt like I was being used, like all the things he said that made me happy or that made me like him more, now made me despise him. I quickly went home and instead of smiling to sleep with joyful thoughts, I cried myself to sleep with hateful thoughts. The next morning my grandmother came to my room and told me that there was a visitor here to see me, I went downstairs wondering who was at the door and it was him. I didn’t want to make a scene so we went to the basement. He came to apologize and I told him that I would never forgive him for what he did to be and that I hated him. He left with no words and I went back in my room to pack my bags. I really didn’t tell anyone about what happen because I really liked him and I hate the fact that I felt this way. I knew it was rape and I could get him arrested but I was too connecting to him emotionally. I wanted to leave so badly but if I asked to leave my grandparents will ask why I wanted to leave, so I put a happy face on for the last 2 weeks.
“Wow, why didn’t you tell us, we’re your friends,” Jade said, looking disappointed about the story I just told. Jade is this funny girl that loves to laugh, uncontrollable. She’s not that short, with short hair but you wouldn’t know key word (weave) we all can’t leave without it. I think she just still my friend because we have history together from elementary. So she’s just here because she’s known me for a long time.
“Well, I didn’t know he will be here and it’s been 3 weeks I thought I wouldn’t remember,” I told her.
I really felt good talking telling my true friends about what happen. I just wouldn’t know how the will react when they see him. I already thought it was embarrassing and I was ashamed. Something that I learned from my father was that if your money gets sour don’t lean on other people, even if they’re your friends. I did not what to seem weak in people’s eyes.
“Aren’t you going to do something about it,” Evan said, “He can do it again”
“I don’t know, I don’t want to cause any confusion,” I replied
“What do you mean don’t tell me you still have feelings for that punk” Jayden asked
“No, maybe, sort of,” I said in failure. I didn’t know what to say, is it true, it can’t be. Do I still have feelings for him?
“Mel, remember he raped you,” Carter said.
“Melanie think about it, if you don’t do something, he’ll do it again” Katy said.
I had no evidence to show that he raped me, and you know I leaded him on. We had feelings for each other and he wanted to express it the way that I didn’t.
“I don’t know I’ll I need time to think about, thanks for everything” I told them as they all left to bed. I needed to make this decision on my own and fast if I wanted to be safe.
I got up feeling good because I didn’t have any of those bad dreams again, I felt glad that I finally told someone. I wasn’t very excited about chemistry since my partner for the semester was Devin but I had to suck it up and go along with it if I want a good grade. I got in class on time to pick the sit in the back; I didn’t want people to be in my business while Devin tried to explain himself. He walked in and sat next to me with a grin. I hated him so much, but then he smiled, I love his smile, I just don’t know if I love him.
“OK, now we have to put the blue acid with the red,” I said to him as I picked up the two tubes.
“Melanie, could we please talk, I want to make things right between us” he said
“Well, I don’t want to talk, and what gave you the right to choose me as a partner?” I asked in anger
“Please listen to me, and I’m sorry I just didn’t know how to get through to you” he replied moving closer, I moved away. I didn’t want to get distracted even though I hated chemistry, I hated Devin even more, I think.
“Look, I have nothing to say to you, the only reason why I’m still here is because I want to pass this stupid class, so if you don’t mind, we could not talk about this in class” I said. I really didn’t what to hear crap right now, especially if it came out of his mouth.
“And can you tell your friends to stop looking at me weird, I know what I did was bad I’m just sorry” he said, “You didn’t have to tell them about what happen,”
“I could have told the police, just remember never to touch me again” I told him, I got him good, now maybe he could shut up, I was hating this class more and more, just sitting next to him.
“Never say Never,” he said with a grin. He had something up his sleeve, and I wasn’t about to go for it again.
That class went by with us just talking about chemistry but in between that we both caught a smile from each other. I really didn’t understand why he was here, it didn’t seem like he wanted to hurt me again, it seemed like he wanted a fresh start. I don’t want him to talk to right now; I was just still heartbroken by what he did to me. I was in love with him and I knew he felt the same way to, I just didn’t know why he would do that to me.
“So what was going on between you and Devin” Marissa asked, she wore her new Dolce blouse that glimmered in the sun.
“Nothing at all, just a partner, in chemistry” I replied as we got ready to head back to our room. Marissa is tall, confident, and sometimes annoying, she real good friend but sometimes I think she’s my friend because I know a lot people. I want to still trust her, but I feel like she would judge me, or talk about me behind me back, it could happen. Also, she is so boy crazy, and the first person at of all of the girls who had sex. She had sex when she was 12, I still can’t believe she gave away something so precious, but look who’s talking, even though I was raped.
“OH ok, remember he’s here to hurt you again,” she said, as we walked through the door. But was he? Was he here to just hurt me? This school has many things to offer, he can’t just be here only for me.
“Yea, he is going to hurt me, wait right here” I told her, that’s all I wanted to believe, he’s going to hurt me, I said over in my mind, I went back in the classroom.
“Ms. Moore I was wondering if I could switch lab partners” I asked hoping that I get the answer I want
“Why what’s wrong” she asked
“Oh nothing, just personal things” I replied
“Well if it has nothing to do with my class then you’re stuck with him” she said walking away. I was pissed I wanted him away from me. I head back to Marissa and we caught up with Hayden and Hunter.
“Do you guys want to get something to eat first?” Hayden asked, “Because I’m starving”. Hayden is a good and one of my oldest friends, her, Allison, Jada and I knew each other since about 3rd grade, she was the first person I know to have a boyfriend. She’s kind of tall, with long dark hair. Sometimes I wonder why she’s still my friend, we just don’t have a real conversation together, if there isn’t anyone with us, and then we won’t speak, weird huh.
“Ok” everyone said agreeing for once we went to the cafeteria. Then I received a text, when I open it, it was from Devin, it read:
‘Mel, I need to explain to wat happen or I’ll neva 4give myself, plz come ova 2 my room, n I promised not 2 touch u if u dont want me 2.’
Should I go? I think so but what if he tries to rape me again, but he seemed so true. I was about to scream because I felt so much pressure.
“Hey, guys I’ll catch up with you later” I said to them
“Why is anything wrong,” Hunter asked
“No just remember I got to do something” I replied
“Ok later” they said as I waved goodbye. I don’t know if I was doing the right thing by going but I still love him and it hurts to say. I just got to hear his explanation and it better be a good one. I hope it’s not something I don’t want to hear, but what can I do, it’s the complications of first love that I’m trying to solve.
I had to walk to the back of the campus because that’s where the Britney and Betsey buildings where at, the boy’s side of the prep.
(Barron is a big school, it has about 4 buildings, all named after Thomas Barron Jacobson’s four daughters, Betsey, Britney, Bethany, Bailey. You see he founded the campus and invested all his money to an all-girls school, where his daughters and other girls wouldn’t be thinking about boys. Sad to say that Britney got pregnant at 15, Bethany married at 17, and Betsey dropped out and Bailey is now lesbians, I feel so sorry for Mr. Jacobson. From that lesson, you can never get what you want.)
I wasn’t scared because I knew I could be strong, and I had each one of my friends on speed dial. In my mind I just thought about the bad things he could do to me, he could lock me up in the closet and I could be his sex slave, or he would kidnapped me and we’ll go somewhere far away where, like Guatemala or Turkey, all he’ll do is rape me. One thing I was not about to do was have sex every minute of every day of my life; once or twice a day is good enough. I knock on the door, he opened with a smile, that smile was so deceiving; I gave him frown, letting him know I was not in the mood. Walking in his room I was so surprised, it was amazing, and there were candles, rose pedals and soft music. I wonder what was going on, it was nice but I didn’t get why.
“What’s going on, you got a date or something,” I asked while entering the room, I looked around to see if anything suspicious was there, but the only weird thing was how great his room looked.
“You’re my date, you want to dance?” Devin asked, he eyes there were calm, like he knew what was going to happen, like his plan is going perfectly.
“No, I came here for you to explain, if not then I’m leaving,” I said to him turning around, I wasn’t about to let him trick me into doing something I didn’t want to.
“Not go I’ll just explain, while we dance, please” he stuck his hand out
“OK, just one dance” I said as I took his hand. We dance to the middle of the room, I was glad that I dancing, I really wanted to relax, but then again it was with Devin Smith. While we were dancing he didn’t do anything sexual like reach for my bra, slip his hand down my pants or even try to kiss me. Now there was something really going on here that I didn’t get.
“When you were telling me about going away back to school, I was mad about because I really liked you. So when I invited you to the party and to my room, I thought we could have sex, but when you said no I got frustrated and with force I did it” he said as we danced, he didn’t have sex with me, he raped me, but looking in his eyes I knew he was sincere, he just seemed true, but why was I falling so quickly. But how will I know, I wasn’t in his head when he got on top of me, grasping my breast, I wasn’t listen to his thoughts as he pulled down my pants and heard me scream. I told myself I was going to be cool, and chill. There’s just something about him, that makes me smile, that makes me wonder about him, I don’t know why.
“I really wanted to apologize so my mom pulled some strings and now I’m here” he continued
“You could have just asked me, I felt comfortable with you and you hurt me a lot, I was in pain” I told him backing away, “It was just because we were at a house party, your party anyone could have walked in”
“Look, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t have let you go, that’s why I’m here, to give us a fresh start,” he said, we moved close together and kissed, even though I wanted him to stop, I just wanted him to keep on touching me. He held me tightly in his arms and pulled me closer and closer into him. I felt my body melt and my heart sank down into my toes.
“Wait, anyone can walk in,” I said pulling back
“Don’t worry about, these rooms have locks on them,” he said as he went over to the door and locked it. That’s so not fair, the boys get locks, and I need to bring that up with my dorm advisor.
He took my hand and walked me toward the bed. He pulled me down on his bed and my leg hooked over his. He slid his hands under my shirt and unstrapped my bra. I felt his heart beating against mind, he slowly unbutton my jeans and zipped it down.
“Tell me now if you want me to stop,” he asked
I looked deeply into his big brown eyes and I couldn’t resist. “No” I replied, I was excited and tingling in every place of my body. I wanted him to stop but I felt so connected to him. Right then and there I thought of a poem.
“When I see him my heart stops
And when he looks at me I want to drop
I want be true to you
But my friends might call me a fool
They know all about the things in our past
And say we’ll never last
But I see it in your eyes
So right know all we can do is try”
“I love you” he said as he kissed my neck, unbuttoning my shirt. My face lit up wondering what to say, but I knew the right words.
“I love you too,” I whispered to him. I felt gentle, warm and excited because this is how I wanted my first time to be like. Even though it really wasn’t, it felt like it. I pulled down my pants and he lay on top of me, kissing on my neck, I was already excited. I was glad I was with him, that I came, and that I love him. Then he said it,
“Forever and always,”
What can I say about ‘forever and always’, it started over the summer. I remember we went to the park and we were on the swings, looking up at the stars. We had just came back from the movies and he said how every couple had a love quote, and we should have one too. He turned to me and said our quote should be forever and always, because what we have is forever and will be there always. I think that was the night that we both felt love, like we knew that we were falling in love. The song I sang to sleep was I Could Fall in Love by Selena.
In the next morning, I woke up in his arms as the sun rose up in the sky; I had now felt like a lucky person. I felt like the happiest person alive as I looked at him. I touched his body as I felt my heart glow; I just knew that the words I said to him were true. That might have not been my first time but I just felt like a whole new person. Feeling like this I took out a piece of paper and pen and started to write a poem.
Is it when I walk through the grass?
Or when you walk pass
Is it when you give me that touch?
That I love so much
Is it when I cry all night?
Or when you hold me tight
Is it when you make me blush?
Or my first crush
Is it my heart that’s so cold?
But you made it into precious gold
One of my favorite things to do is to write poems, I haven’t been writing happy love poems since the summer, all because of Devin, I turn around and kissed his cheek, I love him so much. I picked up my phone and realized that my friends had called; I guess they were worried, but if I told them about Devin, they will be mad. I know that, they know I have feelings for him, but they think I wouldn’t have sex with and in fact be in love with him. I got up slowly making sure I didn’t wake Devin up. I picked up a shirt to wear from the floor; it was his, the smell of it made me happier. I’m the type of person that likes to plan ahead, and to make sure everything is going perfectly. But I didn’t do that, I just let everything flow, because I wanted it to happen. My grandfather always told me to follow my heart, and to stop planning, he’s the one that showed me how to let lose. I love Devin and I know he loves me, I just love saying that.
“Where you going, its only 7, classes start at 9” Devin yawn, “I wanted to walk you to breakfast,”
“I got to go, I think my roommate is worried,” I told him
“You don’t have to leave, you did have fun right?” he said getting up, “I thought this was how you wanted it, but we were not done sleeping,”
“Fun, you think of it as just having fun?” I asked
“No, Mel I love you, you’re special, and I just never really made love to someone before,”
I felt my heart glow even more, all those words that he was saying, was making my whole body float. “Well, I had a great time, but I got to go” I told him “Oh yea, can I take a shower?”
“Can I join?” he asked with a smile. That smile always get me, I nodded as we both head for the bathroom. Devin is everything a girl could want he’s kind, smart, loving, patient, and comes from a wealthy background. That really doesn’t mean anything to me but I love him and he loves me.
“Ok, I’m leaving now” I tell him after I finished getting dress
“I love you” he said searching into my eyes
“Umm Devin could you keep this between you and me, you know about us” I asked
“Why don’t you what anyone to know” he asked
Of course I didn’t want anyone to know. “I just got to tell my friends when the right time comes” I told him
“When is the right time?” he asked
“Just trust me, everything will be ok” I said, I gave him a kiss and went out the door. Forgetting something I came back
“And I love you too” I said to him. I knew he was mad but I felt like if I told my friends they will think he’s a bad person for me, but it’s not my fault that I’m in love with him. I smiled my way to my room, I couldn’t stop I was too happy.
As I walked to my room I tried to wrap my head around it. Tried to decide how I felt about it. Every time I thought about Devin’s smile, hands, kiss and scent I smiled and shivered and wished I was with him again. He was my first and my second and now I want him to be my forever.
“Where were you” Katy asked, as I entered the room
“Umm, well my mom picked me up for... To spend the night” I lied, I wasn’t about to tell her the truth, it wasn’t the right time.
“Oh ok, and why are you smiling so much, it looks like you just had sex” she said walking away to the bathroom. I didn’t know I was that obvious, I really just couldn’t control myself, and Devin is amazing.
“So what happen to you” Evan said,
“What you mean,” I asked him as we walked in math class, I was so tired from last night really didn’t get much sleep, but it was worth it. My body was still tingling, and my face was uncontrollably lit up.
“I mean where were you last night, you wasn’t in your room” he replied
“I was at, uh my mom’s house, she picked me up” I said
“Don’t lie I saw you going into Devin’s room”
“How do you know, I just came there for me and him to talk” I flushed thinking of Devin’s room. Of his body, skin, and heart beating against mine.
“Remember I live right next door to him, I heard you guys the whole time, he said your name” he said, “I guess that’s the reason why you’re so tired now”. Oh wow he heard us that is so embarrassing, oops!
“Oh no promise you won’t tell anyone” I asked
“Why are you keeping it a secret?”
“I just feel like they wouldn’t understand, you know because of the incident”
“Ok, but sooner or later you’re going to have to tell them”
“Yea when the right time comes”
“You really liked this guy, right”
“Like him, I’m in love with him”
“Mel, well good for you, I’m happy for you”
“Well, thanks” I told as we waited for the teacher to start the class. I felt like Evan was right about me keeping it a secret with hurt the relationship between my friends, but it’s for the good. I will tell them just not now. We finally got out of math and we met up with the gang.
“Mel, where were you yesterday” Hayden asked
“I was with my mom” I said looking over at Evan, lying is bad but I couldn’t tell them now, we walked in front of the gym.
“She was so happy when she came in the room” Katy said, “I bet she got some last night”
“Your right I did”
“With whom” they asked surprising
“A close boy back home” I had to say something for them to change the subject.
“I guess Devin is old news” Marissa said
“He was never news, and to be honest he’s a horrible kisser, and he’s small” I said. After I said that I really felt confident and I knew they wouldn’t be suspicious. With laughter we walked in the gym and there Devin was staring back at me. I knew he heard everything I said I can’t believe I said that, now I just felt horrible about it all. I love him how could I say that he wasn’t bad and small, why did I make it all up? I hope he could forgive me. To calm me down I had to think of a poem.
“Why did I say does things?
Would you forgive me?
I don’t know
But I hope you can see
That I love you and was trying to cover up
The feelings I have
But to say those things
You might not”
After gym I went over to his room, I thought maybe if I showed up at his door he would see me and forgive me, and then maybe will have sex again. I knock on the door no one answered so I went in. He was just lying down on the bed.
“Devin I’m so sorry, please forgive” I said as I walked toward him, he didn’t say anything so I went on, “Look I feel really bad, and I was hoping we could you know” I said as I moved closer to the bed.
“How could you, you humiliate me then apologize when no one is here” he said in anger. “Who do you think I am; now you want us to have sex?”
“I said I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you I thought-”
“You thought I wasn’t there” he said cutting me off, “Wow, Melanie I thought you weren’t like other girls, I guess I was wrong”
“No I’m not, Devin I love you”
“I thought I did too, I guess not, you could leave” he told me. I turned around and walked out the door with tears running down my eyes. I couldn’t stop, I love him so much, he hurt me again and this time it was my fault, if I had only told the truth. I needed some comfort, so I went and stole some beer from a near store. I felt like my whole world was coming to an end, I needed Devin in my life. All I think about is his smile, laugh, touch, body and smell. I got so wasted I didn’t know where I was going, strolling down the halls of the building and I recognized Evan.
“Hey, Evan how’s it going” I said, tipping over. I felt the world start to shake and wiggle.
“Are you drunk, what happen” Evan asked
“Devin broke up with me and it was my entire fault” I sobbed, “I lied, you were there why didn’t you stop me?”
“You could’ve told the truth, I couldn’t stop you,” he said as I cried, “Is he worth you crying and drinking”
“He’s worth everything because I’m in love with him” I said crying in his arms
“You want to go talk in my room” he asked
“Ok, can I stay over; I hope that won’t be a problem”
“Sure” he said as we walked into his room.
“I want to have sex, do you want to have sex,” I asked
“No were going to talk,” he told me. It might have been wrong to go there and stay over but I really needed to talk to someone, and I was drunk. We spent the whole night talking about my situation, even though I didn’t know want I was talking about. I really felt like he understand, and I felt like we connected in a way that was special. I slept on bed and he slept on the floor.
“I have a headache, Evan” I said looking around; I couldn’t remember anything from the past night but me stealing beer. The sun even made it worse, I felt like my head was going to pop open.
“Here some water and aspirin, you had a rough day yesterday” he said giving me the water
“Don’t remind me, please”
“I thought you were smart enough, getting drunk c’mon”
“I don’t know, I got confused in love” I said, “Did we have sex by any chance?”
“No, but you did ask”
“Oh ok, I better get to my room”
“And thank you, for everything” I said, leaving the room to my room. I felt great that he cared and I was hung-over but I was still deeply hurt.
“Mel, are you ok, I got a call from Evan saying that you were over their” Katy asked as I entered the door.
“Yea, I have a hangover” I said sitting down
“But why, the last time you got drunk was when your dad died” she asked
“I don’t know, just having a rough semester “
“Is it about Devin because if he hurt you, you have to tell me?”
“No it’s nothing, I need to get ready for chemistry” I said going straight to the bathroom.
“Ok “she said looking worried.
I really wanted to get to chemistry fast so I could apologize to Devin again. I went in and sat down. Then he walked in looking angry.
“Devin please I’m sorry “I told him
“No discussion, let’s get back to work”
“Why, are you doing this to me?”
“No” he said turning around. Katy walked in and saw Devin and me arguing.
“There’s no need for you to be talking to her” Katy said to him
“Don’t worry Katy, it’s nothing” I told her.
“No, Katy he’s the bad guy” she said back
“Oh so now I’m the bad guy” Devin said, “I guess she didn’t tell you”
“Don’t” I told Devin
“I guess not, well she accepted my apology and we were together” he said to Katy,
“You’re lying” Katy said to him, and then looked at me.
“Did you ask her where she was at last week,” he said “Sad, I guess she lied, I thought you were best friends, excuse me” he walked out.
“You really did, wow I thought you will be able to tell me anything” she said.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you” I said to her in tears,
“No, don’t talk to me again” she turned around and left. I felt so stupid standing there; I just couldn’t take it anymore as I walked out the class. I spent in my car and drove to my parent’s house, it wasn’t a very long drive but I needed the air. I cried the whole way drive there, the only reason why I didn’t drink was because I promised Evan I wouldn’t drink. I walked in the house and went straight upstairs.
“Mel, you didn’t tell me you where coming home, I would of made a special supper” my mom said to me as she walked in my room.
“No thank you” I sobbed
“Sweetie, are you ok” she asked
“No, I lied to the people I love and I regret it all” I told her as I cried
“That’s why you’re here, to hide away from your problems”
“Yes and cause I thought a long drive would help too”
“Well, Melanie Angela Davis you cut school because of a lie” my mom said, “First of all your going back to school, and second I don’t want you to lie again”
“Mom, I thought you could help me, not kick me out”
“Melanie, that’s not how it is”
“Then how mom, I love him so much and it was my fault that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore” I said to her in anger as I cried. “He was everything I wanted, everything any girl would want and now he’s gone”
“Melanie, calm down”
“Mom, I can’t because he’s gone forever he will never forgive me” I told her as I went for a hug. All I felt were tears riding down my cheeks. After that, I knew I had to face the truth and go back to school. I made in time for lunch, I picked up my tray and looked around to see my friends but walking closer to them I knew they didn’t want me there.
“Look who’s here” Carter said I stood at the table
“You here to lie again” the twins said
“I said I was sorry” I said
“Shut up, you know what, we’re tired of you” Katy said
“Yo, c’mon it was just confusion” Evan said standing up for me. We both turned around and left.
“Thank you, but they are right” I said to Evan
“No, they just don’t understand,” he said
“It’s ok, bye”
“If anything you know where my room is” he said as I walked to chemistry
“Hi, Ms. Moore the homework” I asked her as I walked in her classroom.
“What happen Melanie, you just walked out my classroom” she said
“I know there was a family problem, which was urgent”
“Ok next time, notify me, here’s the homework” she handed me the homework, “And your new chemistry partner is Taylor, Devin has brought this to my attention that you are distractive so I changed partners”
“Ok” I told her walking out. I knew Devin paid her again to get rid of me. But how could he, he has to forgive; we can’t be like this for long. I love him, and I know he loves me too. But this feeling seems like it won’t go away. I strolled down the hallway to my room.
I strolled to my room, hoping a good night sleep with make it all better. I opened my door and all my things were packed and in front of my bed.
“What’s going on” I ask Katy
“You’re moving, I don’t leave with liars” she said
“Where am I supposed to stay” I ask
“I don’t know and I don’t care maybe over at Devin’s” she said
“Alright, I’ll leave”
“Ok leave, what’s holding you up”
“You’re sitting on one of my bags”
“Ok” she got off and I went out the door. I went to the one place that would warming accept me.
“What happen?” Evan said as he open the door
“I got kick out can I stay here for a couple of days please” I asked
“Sure, come in, you’re not drunk right” he said.
“No, just still brokenhearted,” I said, entering the room.
“Ok, you can stay as long as you can’t, just for 2 weeks,”
“Thank you, you know you could sleep on the bed too,”
“Ok, if you’re ok with it,”
“Yea, sure” I said, we both slipped into the bed. It would’ve been wrong if I just kept the bed to myself, it wasn’t my room. Sleeping in Evan’s room I did feel uncomfortable but where was I going to stay. I woke up early so I could take a nice long shower, it helps me deal. After I finished taking a shower I heard voices so I thought it might just be one of his friends but, it sound familiar. Stepping out of the bathroom, I was standing face to with Devin.
“Wow, Mel you move on so quickly”, Devin said to me. I felt so ashamed because all I was wearing was a towel in a boy’s room. ‘Move on quickly’ he doesn’t know what I’ve been through because of him.
“This is not how it looks,” I said, “I got kick out of my room and had nowhere to go”
“And I said she could stay here for a while” Evan said
“I thought we were cool, now you trying to get with my girl” Devin said. Wait a minute, they were cool, like talking, what the hell.
“Wait, wait your girl remember you broke up with me” I said to him with anger, “I’m tired of apologizing to you, remember Devin when you raped me I took you back, I gave you another chance” I went on to say. “And if you think you don’t need me anymore then leave,” I demanded as I took of my towel in front of them. Both of them looked at each other in confusion and shock. That’s every boys look when they see my body, well even though they were the only one to see my naked, I do have compliments on my curves, and I mean have you seen me.
“If you don’t want me, plenty of people would, you could leave now,” I said. He left in silence I know what I did was kind of out there, being naked and all, but I don’t care anymore.
“Melanie, want was that” Evan said covering his eyes. Why was he covering his eyes aren’t I attractive, wait I am attractive; there is absolutely nothing to hide.
“Something I had to do,” I said with a smile, I had on a playful smile, kind of saying you know you want me, a cute grind.
“Ok, since you’re done, could you put the towel back on?” he went over to pick up the towel.
“Why, don’t you like me naked?” I said moving towards him
“Umm, I don’t know,”
“C’mon, Evan I know you want me, now you do” I said as I planted a kiss on his cheek. We started kissing it was fine but then I started to have flashes of Devin. I dragged him onto the bed and kissed him urgently, trying not to think about the one person I wanted the most.
“Melanie, are you sure about this,” he asked
“Yea, why you don’t want to,” I asked
“Alright, ok” he said with a kiss
I really didn’t care if it was wrong I was mad and I had fun. It was fun at first but then I started feeling uncomfortable because he’s my best friend.
“Ok, I’m going to take a shower again,” I said getting of the bed
“Why, you didn’t like it,” Evan said,
I hated when boys asked that if they were really curious about their performance they should video tape it, not that they should video tape it with me, I'm just saying in general. “Well, it was good, Ok” I told him entering the bathroom
“Are you ok?” he had that look, sad, but yet cute look, something had to be wrong
“I don’t know, I just feel weird”
“If I caused it, then I’m sorry,”
“No you didn’t, I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship”
“No, it wouldn’t” he said to me.
I felt horrible and tired, I felt like a slut, having sex with one of my best friends to make me feel better. I couldn’t take the pain that I was in, my feelings collide and I just broke down. So instead of going to class I went to the only person who I could talk to, my sister Jenna. She lived far from the school, but I really needed her. I pulled up in her driveway and her and her husband already looked confused.
“Hey Mel, um aren’t you supposed to be in school,” she said looking at her watch
“Yes, but I really need to talk to,” I said to her as I entered the house, “Hey, Jeff and where’s my niece and nephew”. Hailey and Bailey were 6 years old; it was like they were growing at the speed of light.
“There over at mom’s house”
“Ok, I have to talk to both of you,” I said as we went into the kitchen.
“I had sex with Evan, because I thought it would make me feel better,”
“What,” they both said, “Why, you two are best friends”
“You remember Devin Smith,”
“Yea, aren’t they the new neighbors next to grand’s,” Jenna said, “You guys were one cute couple,”
“Well, first I have to tell you about what happen between us,” I sat down, “While I was there, I he invited me to a party and he raped me”
“What, how could you let this happen and not tell me” she said in shock
“I know, I know but that’s it,” I said, “he’s now in my school,”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone” Jeff asked
“I don’t know,” I said
“Melanie its rape,” she said in anger, “don’t you know, you could press charges”
“Then why won’t you,”
“Because I love him” I said in tears. That’s what was pulling me back- love
“Oh Melanie, I’m sorry”
“Well that’s not it,”
“There’s more,” Jeff said, “And I thought my life was filled with problems”
“And that what those that supposed to mean” Jenna asked him
“Nothing, sweetie” he said politely, “Go on Melanie”
“Well, he came back to apologize and to have another chance”
“And you didn’t take him back, tell me you didn’t take him back,” Jenna asked
“I took him back, and we had sex, really good sex, like making love,”
“Melanie, is there more that I need to know about,” she asked
“Yes, I told the gang only about rape and not that me and him getting back together,” I said, “So they really hate him, and he heard me talking bad about him, and dumped me. Suddenly all my friends knew about it and then I got kick out my room and the only person who helped me was Evan and I had sex with him to make me feel better,”
“Melanie, to be honest you deserve that,” Jenna said
“I thought you were on MY side, you’re MY sister,” I said starting to cry
“Melanie, I don’t know what else to say,”
“Just tell me want to do, so I could fix things”
“Mel, if you love him, and your friends you’ll know the right thing to do” Jenna said
“Thank you,” I said in anger
“I got a question, you’re now sexually active,” Jeff asked, “you’re going to have to come to my office, to make sure everything is ok once every 2 weeks,” Jeff is a gynecologist and obstetrician, he actually delivered Hailey and Bailey himself.
“My first time was rape, the second was love and the third was just for fun,” I said smiling I knew Jeff was trying to cheer me up.
“And she has a doctor,” Jenna said, “Ok, Mel it’s about to be 11:00 you can’t miss any more school time, I don’t want a call from mom, if she calls one more time talking about the ball I'm going to smack her,”
“Alright, you guys do help me all the time,” I said
“And make sure that the next time you come here with a problem is not that your pregnant,” Jeff said, “I deal with that every day in my office”
“Ok, next time I’ll use a condom,” I said
“Melanie” they said together
“Just kidding I used protection, maybe I should start them birth controls” I laughed as I drove off. I finally know what to do and I know to fix everything I’m going to need help.
I went to apologize to Evan, want I did was selfish.
“Sorry, it was really selfish of me to do that,” I said to him, I went over and sat on the bed with him, I was really trying to get this weight of my chest and mind.
“It’s ok, I was kind of recovering from a love problem too,” he said, I looked at him confused. I hoped his love problem wasn’t as worst as mine.
“For real, with who” I wondered
“Just someone, forget about it,”
“No I want to know, do I know her,”
“Actually, it’s not a girl,”
“Oh wow, it’s a boy, Evan your gay,” I said in shock. That might have been all out there but it was weird, I mean Evan was young, handsome; he really didn’t have a problem with girls. He really fell for this girl name Karen, they were in love but she had to transfer to another school.
“If you want to put it like that, than yes,” he actually looked calm talking to me, like this was something he had already been through, like he told someone before.
“When did this start,” I asked as I sat next to him
“Over the summer, like you,”
“You didn’t get raped over the summer,”
“Well, both of our love stories did end up bad,”
“Wow, what happen”
“When I went back home in Virginia, we met at a barbecue party, I had mix feelings about him and he told me he was gay,”
“So what happen?”
“I felt the same feelings as he did for me, so we dated; we had to break up because of the long distance,” After saying that comment, my mind started to daydream, it started to write.
“We all have problems we have to face,
All of those troubles aren’t in their place,
Your mistakes stay
Even if you fix it
It won’t go away
How are supposed to handle it
Like your favorite jeans that just won’t fit,
Struggle, struggle, and try
Or quit, fail, then cry,”
I returned back to reality trying to look like I was listening, one thing my father said to be growing up, was that poetry can be another world, where you can be yourself, or someone else. “Does anyone else know?” I asked,
“No, and I want to keep it like that,”
“Do you still love him?”
“I don’t know, just not dealing with it that well,”
“But I did take advantage of you,”
“It’s ok, I did too,”
“Evan your family doesn’t believe in homosexuality, how are supposed to handle it,”
“I don’t know, this it’s my fault, is just who I am,” he said, “I’ve dated girls but it’s not helping,”
“Well, I hope things go right with your family,” want more could I have said, I didn’t either, but Evan is my friend, these are the times when I need my father’s words, to help me. As a friend what should I say, ‘don’t be gay’, or ‘god don’t like gay’, I don’t know.
“Could you help me with my stuff, I moving back in my room?”
“You want to go back,”
“Yes, I feel like that’s the good to do,”
“Ok, let’s get started,”
Evan and I walked in the room with my bags. And on the bed Hayden was crying, I really wanted to comfort too, so I went up to her.
“Hayden, you ok” I asked
“No, Evan could you leave please,”
“Sure,” Evan said
“So what’s going on,” I asked, and then walking in from the bathroom was Katy, Jada and Marissa.
“What are you doing here,” Katy said
“Look I’m sorry, and this is my room too,”
“So why should I forgive you,”
“Because you’re my best friend and we all tend to make mistakes,” I moved closer praying that she would forgive me. She looked at the girls and started to calm down, all her tension started to release.
“Well, ok I’m sorry too,”
“We all are,” Marissa said
“So what’s wrong with her?”
“Carter and I were having sex, and he told me that the condom popped,” Hayden said in tears. Carter and Hayden have been going out for about 3 years. At first it was kind of rusty because Hayden was Jayden’s sister and Carter and Jayden are best friends, it was very complicated. They are serious and she was the second out of us to lose her virginity (Marissa being the first). I remember it like it was yesterday, Hayden storm into our room with a big, glowing smile and shouted out ‘GUESS WHO’S NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE, THIS GIRL’. We were all supportive and happy; at least her first time was meaningful.
“Oh no, and you think you might be pregnant,” I told her bending down next to her
“Yes, what I’m I going to do, I’m only 16,” she wept. “I feel like I’m on those 16 and pregnant episodes.
“You know there’s large percentage of teenage pregnancy in Connecticut,” Marissa informs us.
“That doesn’t help, and you’re not really sure if you’re pregnant,” Jada said as Hayden started to cry louder.
I felt so bad, there was at least someone going through pain, like me. Not that, that matters I just couldn’t stop thinking about Devin, how he met to me. I started to cry just thinking about him, how I love him. Poetry time,
“It seems like everyone has problems
That they can’t figure out
Like me, I’m confused
I really don’t now want loves about
Everyone goes through it
But no ones the same
We all are different
So no one’s to be blame”
“Mel, why are you crying,” Jade asked, “Is there something wrong,”
“Nothing, I’m …. Fine,” I said standing up
“Look, I’m tired of lies, so what’s going on,”
“It’s about Devin,”
“Did he do anything stupid again,” Jada asked
“No, it was me, it’s always me, he dumped me, and do you know how I feel about him?” I asked, they shook they’re heads. “I love him, and I know he stills love me, but I think I might have mess that up,” I continued.
“How, all you did was said some bad things about him,” Hayden said
“That wasn’t it,” I felt my heart in my stomach, this was really hard to say. “When you kicked me out, Evan said I could stay with him, it so happens that he lives next door to Devin, then Devin walk in and saw me in a robe and assumed something had happen, I got mad and told him of, he storm of and I had sex with Evan because I was mad,” I finished. That was a large mouthful of things that happened, they looked so disappointed me. I felt mad knowing that they might judge me some type of way.
“Wow, so how you feel,” Jade said
“Horrible, I want Devin back” I said feeling unsure, “But now I just don’t think he’s worth it,”
“Want do you mean,” Marissa asked. To be honest I didn’t even know if why, I just felt like he made go through so much, if he didn’t want me back, I had to move on.
“I don’t know, it just seems wrong,” I turned around and headed for the door, I had to think some more about this. “I’m going for a walk,”
“Want us to come,” Jade asked
“No, right now Hayden needs you guys,” I said, “I’ll be back soon,”
“You ok,” Hayden said,
“Don’t worry about it, my problem is nothing compared to yours,” I said, I didn’t know if I was comforting her or me, the look in her eyes were confused.
“One more thing, aren’t your grandparents, having their annual ball on Saturday,” Marissa asked, trying to change the subject.
“Yes of course, you guys are coming right,”
They all nodded, just remembering about the ball changed my mind completely, I was thinking about what to wear, shoes, hair, and color, I guess the decision about Devin would have to wait.
Walking to lunch had me thinking, thinking about what to say to Devin, I really didn’t want him anymore because of all the pain he put me through. We met, he raped me, broke my heart, we fall in love, and I brake his heart, that was all just way too much. What if we get back together and we go through another pain? What would I do then? Maybe we just aren’t right for each other. I’m just too young to be figuring out the rest of my love life right now I'm only 16. You know what I can’t take it anymore, if he really wanted me he would have came back, but he didn’t and know I don’t need him. I entered the cafeteria and my eyes locked to Devin’s, I immediately turned around and ran away. I went straight up to my room and laid in my bed, thinking about Devin. I soon took out a paper and pen and wrote down a poem.
“I’m I dreaming
This is confusing
What I’m I doing?
Where am I going?
Is this how life really is?
Or maybe we all go through this
We laugh and clown
Cry and sometimes down
I lost him, how, why
Thought I could make it but I can’t try
I know I got to be strong
Cause life will still goes on.”
I thought about his smile, hair, kiss, touch and the when he told me he loved me, was he lying? Or was that something he told girls after he raped them? All of this was wrong, I’m supposed to be happy and in love, all of this is just upside down. I felt the room laughing at me, the shelves, closets, windows; I’m a fool how could I let myself fall into that trap. The girls all walked in with laughter, and then they paused and stared at me.
“Melanie, was wrong, you didn’t come back to the café,” Jade asked
“Nothing just didn’t feel like eating,” I said turning away, I didn’t feel like explaining.
“If it’s about Devin, you need to think about something else, for away,” Marissa said
“How can I do that?”
“Like I was telling Hayden, the cure of any boy problems is,” all the girls looked at each other
“SHOPPING!” they screamed
“C’mon we do need gowns for the ball,” Jade looked like I wasn’t about to say no. my grandparents annual ball was a big thing around town. Every year we will get dress up, and appreciate the good and the bad, in life. I remember how my father took me shopping, and I’ll get anything I want as long as it was age appropriate. But after his death, I just go with my sister, mom, or grandmother.
“Yea, but I always go with Jenna,” I said trying to make up an accused to skip out. I wasn’t really in the mood, to go shopping even though my problem isn’t a big of a deal compared to Hayden who may be pregnant. I wonder if Devin feels the same way I feel, mad, sad, and lonely. Probably he’s okay, he might even have some slut in his room right know, and doing things he should be doing to me. The thought of her on top of him makes me want to puke, it’s probably Olivia, or Gina, or even the twins Brianna, and Alice. I should be there right now, I’ll first give him a back rub, and then he would turn me over and kiss on me, afterward we would roll over on the floor and laugh until our stomach hurt, then we’ll get back on the bed.
“Ok, we’ll go get her, Jenna never says no to shopping,” Hayden said pulling me from the bed.
“Well, ok but, I'm driving I need to concentrate on something else than Devin” I said getting my keys
“Whatever, we like your car, unlike some else’s,” Jade said looking at Marissa
“Hey, that car has history in it, it’s really special,” Marissa said
“Yea, that’s where her, her mother and grandmother lost their virginity,” Jade replied
“Ewe,” we all said in laughter, as we walked out the door, for a second there I completely forgot about Devin, having friends who care so much, means a lot. I felt a poem forming in my mind.
“Always on your side
Never say bye-bye
Laugh and clown with you
Get in trouble that’s true
Play around day and nights
Push each other’s hopes up that’s right
Sometimes let each down
But the next day it’s always turned around
Going shopping that’s what we do
But when it comes to working, we always get it through
My friends are the best
We fight but were better than the rest”
Driving up to my sister’s house I was quiet, I just didn’t want to talk. All my friends were giggling and talking, but I just still felt alone. I just couldn’t stop thinking about Devin; does true love make you crazy because I started talking to myself.
“Mel, you all right,” Hayden asked, all three of the girls looked over at me.
“I’m fine,” I lied; of course something is wrong with me. I'm going crazy over here.
“Well, ok,” They said as they continued their conversations. Were they worried about me because I was maybe a little confused, but still normal? My heart fell into my stomach as I saw Devin’s mom, what was she doing here?
“Who’s that Mel,” Jade asked.
“Devin’s mom,” I starred, this can’t be happening, I hope she doesn’t ask me about Devin, which would really sicken me in my stomach. We got out of the car, and my mom walked out.
“Hey Melanie, hey girls, are we all on for a shopping spree,” she said to all of us. I quickly hurried inside to look for Jenna; she had better have a good explanation for this. I saw her and her twins in the kitchen, she looked at me in shock, and she knew I was angry.
“Hey Auntie Mel,” the twins said as they rushed upstairs.
“What’s up, Melanie” Jeff said as he walked downstairs.
“Jeff, you want to know what’s up, why is Devin’s mother here,” I said looking at Jenna.
“What’s wrong with her, I thought you were in love with Devin,” he said
“No I’m don’t” I screamed,
“Sorry, it’s just been hard, and I wanted to relax and shop, but how can I relax if his mom is here,”
“Sorry, but mom called and wanted to join us and this morning when I was picking up mom, Susan said she wanted to go,” Jen said, “Just don’t worry about it, I’ll make sure everything is alright, there will be no mention of Devin,”.
I looked at her and had to trust her, I didn’t want anything to go bad, so I put on a fake smile and went back outside.
“I hope you don’t mine Melanie that I'm tagging along,” Mrs. Smith said,
“No, it’s find, it is an all-girl shopping spree,” I said, I had to put on a fake smile, in this decade lying is everything, but you’ve got to lie properly.
“Ok, everyone, let’s get in our cars,” Jen said, thank goodness, I thought I was going to pie on myself with everybody staring at me. I gave my keys to Hayden, I just couldn’t drive.
“Why, what’s wrong,” she said as I entered the backseat of my car,
“Sorry, but I can’t drive,” I said, I was just shivering, through my hands, and my feet and toes; I might not be able to walk. We drove to New York City, one of the fashion capitals of the world, we would have flown to Spain, but it was too late for plane tickets. After, we parked the cars we went to a near boutique, everything inside was beautiful. I wondered of as ran to get a gown, I went towards the corner, and hanging in front of me was the gown of my dreams. It was perfect, a strapless, ivory color, with shiny diamonds, the most beautiful Marc Jacobs dress; it was like I was already in it.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it,” someone said behind me, turning around it was Susan; I was really trying to avoid her.
“Yea, it’s perfect,” I smiled as I went over to the mirror,
“You know who would love to see you in that dress?” she looked at me through the mirror, I knew who she was talking about but I still shrugged.
“Devin, you know he really talks fondly about you, he even tells me that he’s falling in love,” she looked at me as If she knew what was going on, I felt my heart pounding against my chest. I stood there as tears started to fall from my eyes I turned away from the mirror, and looked at her.
“What else does he say about me,” I wanted to hear it all, even if I couldn’t bear to hear it.
“He wanted to go to Barton prep because he says that you’re the one,” as she spoke tears slowly ran down my cheek, and then I looked over at Jenna, she quickly came over knowing that I needed to get away.
“Sorry, Mrs. Smith but my mom needs Melanie,” Jenna did have my back but it was already too late, I heard it all, and I had a chance I wish I could go back and fix everything, I would have been happy. As we walked away, I just knew that even shopping wouldn’t cure my broken heart, I need to go, and I turned around to Jenna.
“Sis, I can’t stay here anymore,” I said to her, she say tears running down my eyes, she knew how broken hearted I was.
“Don’t worry; we’ll be leaving to the next store soon,”
“No, Jen I can’t stay any longer, can I just call Jeff, to come get me,” I knew that girls shopping spree was supposed to be fun but I need to go home and think. One person that I could talk to is Jeff, I knew he would understand.
“Melanie, I hate to see you like this, are you going to be ok,” she looked worry but there was nothing to worry about.
“I really don’t know if I'm going to be ok,” I wanted to tell the truth for once. She turned around got her phone out and called Jeff.
“Hey, Melanie” Jeff said as I entered the car. My heart was unstable, and it ache I really didn’t want to talk.
“Hi,” I wrestled with the seat belt as I started to cry. I couldn't hold my tears any longer, my eyes started to swim in my tears.
“Mel, what’s going on, are you ok?” he stopped the engine and looked at me.
“Nothing, just please drive, I want to get out of here,” I turned and stared at the window, and he started to drive. I really just needed to calm down, my eyes were blurry and my heart was pounded against my chest. In awhile I started to relax, and Jeff saw that, and he relaxed too.
“Now, do you want to tell me, why I had to drive all the way to the city, to come get you,” he looked at me, but I couldn’t force myself to speak. “Ok, is it about Susan, did she say or do something to you,”
“Of course she did, she was telling me how Devin talks about me, and how she knows that were in love with each other,” I then started to cry. “But what she doesn’t know is that Devin doesn’t love me anymore,” I looked for a tissue, to wipe my face. I felt so bad even thinking about it, I haven’t spoken to him since that day, which I told him of naked in Evan’s room.
“So, how does that make you feel,” Jeff really didn’t have anything else to say about my problem. How it makes me feel, I feel like an ass, how could I just fall for someone so hard, just for me to screw it all up.
“I feel heartbroken, I can’t stop thinking about him,” I watched all the signs outside and all it read was Devin’s name, or his face, or smile, hair, lips, I just might be going insane.
“Well, guess what?” I looked at him thinking he might have a solution to my problem, “Jenna’s pregnant,”
I was shocked as ever, this was good news, she’s pregnant. “Wow, congratulations, this is unbelievable, what is she having, a girl, boy, twins,” I was excited.
“Oh no, not twins, but we don’t know,” he smiled,
“Maybe if you’ll me lucky enough to get a baby boy,” I said to him,
“Yea, maybe because when the twins grow up, I’ll have to deal with problems like yours, and that means double trouble,”
“Don’t worry; I’ll make sure they don’t make the same mistakes as me,” we both laugh and I noticed that we were at the school, I spent about 5 minutes not thinking about Devin, Jeff was great. I got of the car waved goodbye and headed up to my room. I spent almost the whole day just doing my homework, reading or studying. When it was about 10:00 I heard my friends giggling and laughing from down the hall, I guess they had fun. They stormed in the room and they were all quiet, I wasn’t sick or tried, just heartbroken, that’s not a disease.
“Melanie, why did you leave early,” Jade said moving her bags to the closet; they all had about 5 bags, all from different stores and designers. All of a sudden I started to regret the fact that I left.
“Well, I just didn’t want to be around Susan,” I said turning back to my computer.
“Mel, she’s not that bad, she bought us these beautiful earrings,” Marissa said showing me her ears; they were beautiful, it was a heart-shaped sliver earring.
“She isn’t bad, she just thinks that Devin and I am still a big happy couple,” I told them standing up, the thing was Devin didn’t mention to his mother that we were no longer a couple.
“Oh, well if you’re wondering, we got you the most perfect dress; you’ll die when you see it, it’s gorgeous, and matching shoes and everything,” Hayden said sitting down; I could tell she was tired.
“You guys really didn’t have to, I could have just went to the city tomorrow,” I really didn’t care how amazing my dress was; my mom was the one forcing me to go.
“We had to, because you’re of your mom and because Susan said Devin was coming,” Marissa knew I wouldn’t like the sound of that, but surprisingly I was happy he was going to be there, maybe I could tell him how much I love him, he might take me back.
“Wow, ok, so where is it,” I really didn’t want to look happy or mad, so I kept a straight face.
“It’s a surprise so we gave them to your mother,” she said, I nodded; I looked at everyone then looked at the time 11:47 and what were they still doing here. “Is everyone sleeping over?”
“Yea, it’s late and we have to get up early to go to your grandparents house,” Jade said, she looked in her bag and took 3 nightgowns and passed it to the girls. I was actually happy they stayed since Katy went over to her boyfriend’s house; I was going to be alone, not anymore.
I got up and saw everyone sleeping around me, and I felt happy and loved. I just really regret not telling them about Devin in the first place. Me going to the ball and seeing he might not make a difference, he might not take me back. I got up from my bed an went straight into the bathroom, after I came out, everyone was all awake.
“Melanie, you ok,” Jade said, she looked confused that I actually was the first person to wake up, I looked at her.
“Oh, nothing, ready to go,” I asked as I packed a bag, and picked up my keys.
“Shouldn’t we brush our teeth,” Marissa asked, walking towards the bathroom, I was not about to waste any time.
“No, we’ll get toothbrushes on the road,” I grab her hand and looked at everyone else, “Well, let’s go”
We headed out the door and towards my car, when I felt something, a hand on my shoulder, I turned around and got my hopes up for nothing, it was just the guys.
“What are guys doing here,” I asked catching my breath
“Jeff, said we should all meet up with the guys at the Smith’s house,” Carter said, he looked at the girls then looked at me, I guess he knew I was burning inside; I didn’t know what to say. I looked over at Evan, he knew too, what was going on.
“So Devin is going to be there,” I asked Evan,
“Yea, it is his house and his father is paying for our tuxedo,” Jayden said, “Why, I thought you two were over,”
“Yes, but you guys usually, go over to Jeff’s house, but it’s whatever lets go,” I turned around and headed in my car, I don’t know why, but I felt myself start to cry. The girls were in my car and the boys were in Jayden’s car, we all drove off.
“So, Melanie are you ok,” Jade asked again, I didn’t know why she even asked again, if I didn’t look ok, then I’m not ok,”
“I’m fine, why do you keep asking,” I had to lie for her to get off my back.
“Well, because you say your over Devin but you’re not,” she said,
“Yes, I am right now he’s nothing to me,”
“Melanie, you didn’t sleep last night, and when you finally did, you said ‘I love you Devin’,” She said, I looked at her through mirror, and she saw it that look, of sadness and pain, I drove over and parked at the corner, the boys just kept going and I was glad.
“Yes, it’s true, I sobbed, “I love him, and miss him so much, I can’t think clearly, anymore,” I cried even more. The girls took my hand and comfort me. I got out of the car, gave my keys to Hayden and sat in the back. For the whole ride over I slept, I couldn’t stand to be awake and to feel the way my heart was feeling. I dreamt of a place where, Devin and I were together and I was in his arms, and he kissed my forehead and whispered I love you to me. I was woken by my mother’s laughter, we were there; I saw Jayden and Devin’s car so everyone was just one house from each other.
“Hey baby, let’s go inside,” my mom said from the window, I got up and open the door.
“Hi mom, so where’s my gown?” I asked trying to sound exciting and erasing what had happen during the drive.
“It’s up in your room,” my grandmother said, pointing to my room, “You girls have to get ready, were leaving in 5 hours,” she told us. We all started to walk towards the door, my mother grabbed me.
“Melanie, sweetie I need you to go next door and tell the boys they should leave before us,” my mother said, I think she knew about Devin and I, but I don’t know if Jenna told my mother. I walked over to the smith’s house and prayed that Devin wasn’t the one to open the door. I walked up to the door and rang the door bell, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans.
“Hi,” I said, out of everyone at the house Devin open the door,
“Hey, what’s up,” he said, I felt so numb and levelheaded.
“My mother says you guys should go to the ball before us,” I tried not to look into his eyes but I felt him searching for them, and my heart. “So, bye” I quickly turned around and headed next door.
“Mel, wait,” I heard him say, why should I wait, why should I go back, I’ve spent the last 2 weeks crying over him and I’m tired.
“No, I got to go get ready,” I turned back around, feeling like the trees around me were laughing, I went straight upstairs; I stared out the window and watched him stand there. I felt disappointed and terrible inside, I just went straight into the shower, ignoring the laughter I heard downstairs by the girls.
I took a shower, sat down and looked in the mirror. I was going to be alright, I didn’t need him, and he’s nothing to me now. But all that we’ve been through, I mean he came to Connecticut, to start over with me and apologize. I love him, he loves me, well I thought he did, I couldn’t stop feeling like this. It was like my mind and heart were debating about my love for him. I looked in the closet, and found, a big box right beside the wall, I picked it up feeling excited to see what was inside. Opening it I felt a rush a fresh air, it was a beautiful, Vera Wang, white but a pearl/ivory color, a dust of shimmering sparkles, big, puffy, and layered. It was my dream dress, the one from New York. It just took my breath away; I picked up the dress and inside was the most gorgeous pair of Michael Kors. These pair of shoes just made my day, it really didn’t matter anymore because this night was my night, I don’t care want happens. In a rush I got myself ready, first lotion, then undergarments my new Victoria secret PINK bra and underwear. Then the gown, I just felt like a princess, no an angel, flying above in a beautiful gown. I would have said I felt like I was Cinderella but that’s so cliché.
“Wow, Melanie you look….. Beautiful,” I heard a voice say, I turned around in shock, it was Devon's mom, wow, my day just got rotten. I had to say, she looked beautiful, but wasn’t better than me, I still didn’t like her.
“Hey, I was just finishing up,” I quickly went over to the dresser and picked up my purse. “Ooo, look at the time,”
“Melanie, calm down, we have time,” she walked over and reached into her purse and took out a box. “This for you, just a gift,” Gift, I like gifts and couldn’t help but smile; I wondered what was in the box, so curious. I opened the box and surprisingly it was a heart-shaped necklace, it was beautiful, diamonds and sparklers everywhere.
“Thank you, it’s beautiful” I said, I sat down in front of the mirror and she put it on.
“You know, I'm sorry if I said something to offend you, when we went shopping,” she looks at me through the mirror.
“No, don’t be sorry it had nothing to do with you,” I stood up and she took my hand, she was really sorry, but it’s not her fault, not at all.
“Melanie, I want you to be happy, that’s why I’m telling you this,” she paused; oh no it’s something about Devin.
“Sweetie, Devin is in love with you, even if things are rocky; you guys have what true love is?” she looked straight into my eyes, I wasn’t about to cry, if she wanted that. I already thought about it, and it’s impossible for him to still be in love with me. I’m moving on, so she can say all of that, but she doesn’t know how he really feels about me.
“Melanie, did you hear me, I said…” I couldn’t hear that again, please somebody help me. At the moment my mom walked in, “We’re leaving now,” she turned back around and closed the door. Saved by the mom, I quickly followed out the door; I quickly turned around, “Thanks again for the necklace, it’s beautiful,”
While in the limo, I thought about what I would’ve said if my mom didn’t come in the room. I'm I still in love with him? Do I even care about him? My mind was filled with possibly answer. My heart and soul was bleeding, but I didn’t show it in my face as I looked out the window at the full moon. Full moons to me meant a new path, something new and refreshing, that I can just start all over again. I was hiding behind a smile, a smile so deceiving and wrong just like Mona Lisa’s. I wasn’t about to let him ruin my grandparents night, or my parents, and especially not mine. We arrived at the ball, walking in there I felt like I was in a whole different place. It just catches my breath and assures me the best of it all. I remember when I was younger and I came here with my father, he held my hand and told me that this was the place where he first met my mom. He said that place was filled with love that when you’re sad, and feeling like you’re alone, that dance floor would pick you up and erase all your pain. Thinking about him, my father, I to felt angry and mad because one thing he told me in the hospital before he died was that I should be happy, and not ever feel so heartbroken like how he was feeling. For me when he said not to be heartbroken, it was figuratively, but for him it was literally. My father’s disease fractured his heart, mentally, and physically. I really miss him, I love him so much, I started to feel tears come down my eyes and I rushed to a room nearby, to hide away from everyone.
I stared out the window and cried, and cried till I couldn’t fell anything, I felt numb. I then heard a knock on the door, I wasn’t about to let someone see me like this.
“Occupied,” I screamed at the door, I just stared at the moon waiting for something magical to happen. The door open, I turned around with anger, “You don’t know what occupied mean,” To my surprise it was Devin, I didn’t know if I should happy, sad, mad, or angry.
“What do you want?” I said I felt so disgusted, I felt like the first day he came to my room,
“I want to... to talk to you,” he said, he stood there, was I suppose to say something, I’m just so tired of him, but I love him so much. I’m so stupid for falling in love with him.
“You know what,” I looked up at the moon, “No,” I started to walk towards the door, he grab my hand, and looked at me, he tried to look into my eyes but I looked away.
“Don’t go,” he caught my eyes, and I pushed away towards the table. “Tell me why, why should I stay, Devin you don’t know how much pain and hurt you caused me these past weeks, and now you expect me to stay and hear what you have to say to me,” I looked at him, I wanted him to pay, and be hurt just like me. “Devin, who do you think you are, I took you back like an ass, like a fool, when you took away the one thing that meant the most to me, so why?” We both were silent; I could hear our heart beat. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door again, and once again he took my hand, and looked right into my eyes.
“You should stay… because I love you,” he said it; he said those words that might make me think twice about leaving, about forgetting him, about moving on. I really didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, speechless. I walked over and sat down, I was dizzy and unstable. He sat down next to be and looked at me.
“I love you, and I promise you I'm not lying to you,” he stood up and continued. “The reason why I said I didn’t was because being disrespected like that, I was mad, and angry. I’m really sorry, and then when I saw you with Evan I got even angrier, and I… I’m just sorry, I love you,” He finished. I was still shocked, from those three words and now that he said about 3 more times, I was frozen. We were both quiet again, I digested everything that he said but still was confused.
“But why should I take you back, because you love me, because you’re sorry, Devin I don’t get you, I was sorry too, but you didn’t take me back, why should I,” I stood up and started to pace back and forth, he grabbed me by the waist, and looked in my eyes.
“Because I love you and you love me, and..,” he stood in ran his fingers through my hair, and searched through my eyes, I felt something I didn’t know what.
“And remember Melanie, we’re …. Forever and always,” I felt him trying hard to get to me, get closer. My heart stop and then I knew he truly loved me, I saw it, I felt it, somewhere but I knew it was there. I bit my lip and I saw him waiting patiently for a response. I closed my eyes and felt tears running down my eyes.
“Melanie, I don’t want you to cry, please don’t,” he wiped my tears, I looked at him and saw that his eyes were watering just like mine, now if that wasn’t true love what was.
“You hurt me, a lot even more than you can even imagine,” I took his hands away from my neck and held them between mine. “But Devin I’m in love with you,” we both smiled and chuckled; we looked deeply into each other and kissed. Everything came back to me, he came back to me, and I felt everything again. Passion became alive again as we slowly kissed, didn’t care about it anymore, all I knew that my love for him was something that won’t go away. He kissed me and then looked up at me, “Forever and Always,” I said to him, “Forever and always,” he said back to me. I felt the room now smiling, and everything started to cheer for me, my heart was finally glowing, and everything was how I wanted to be. I knew my father was now proud of me, for making the right decision. My mind when somewhere else, and I saw words forming into a poem, something told me it was a good poem, a happy one.
“I love you is what he says
But why should I stay
He turns and looks deeply into my eyes
And say because we’re forever and always,”